Beautifully Unique

It's evil and I hate it!!

2011-02-07T16:24:00.003-06:00

Cancer sucks! It's taken so many of my loved ones already. Now that the MIL has it, it threatens to take her too. Without a miraculous healing from God, cancer will win again. We had special prayer at church last night and there were about 6-8 people in our small community that were named to have cancer. It's killing us all and there is nothing that we can do to stop it. It sneaks up on you and BAM, it's too late! There are a few people here and there that beat it. You hear praise reports every now and then of someone that had it and now it's gone. Those people are few and far between and for every one that beats it, there are hundreds that don't. It just isn't fair!! I know that God didn't promise us that life would be fair but it sure would be nice if it was.

We brought MIL home a few days ago. We've enjoyed her being home and loved spending time with her but it's hard seeing her wither away so quickly. She's always been the go getter. The one that could run circles around the rest of us. The one that was up at the crack of dawn and staying up after the rest of us had long gone to bed. There's not a lazy bone in her body and all she's every known is to work. To see her so weak and so sick just hurts my heart.

She keeps talking about Sisters recital. She's looked forward to that recital since the day Sister started dance class back in August. She has asked me 100 times in the past few weeks when the recital is. She knows that it's in May and she knows that her time here on earth is short. She wants more than anything to make it to that dance recital and I pray, Oh God I pray, that she makes it!

Cancer SUCKS!!!

Therapy

2011-01-26T23:30:00.002-06:00

It's been over a year since I've typed words on this poor old blog. Writing is kind of my therapy and there's a lot going on now so I need to get some things off of my mind.

My dear sweet mother in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a couple of weeks ago. The moment I heard the words "pancreatic cancer" I knew that the prognosis would not be good. Hubs and the in laws all hung on to hope and faith that God would take care of her and that she would be alright. I wanted to have that faith but my experience with cancer hasn't been good. The median survival rate for patients diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is 3-6 months. I can't even begin to imagine loosing her that quickly. I lost my own mother 11 years ago to cancer and going through this is like deja vu. I hate cancer!!!!

It isn't fair and I'm angry. Not angry at God, just angry at the entire situation. Hubs, well he's angry at God. His faith has been rocked and he's in a dark place right now. I've been where he's at and it's not a good place. It's something that he will have to work through on his own. I understand and I am going to try and be patient with him and support him as best I can. I don't know why God allows this to happen or that to happen, why he heals this one or that one and not the others. I don't know why he allows bad things to happen to good people and good things to happen to bad people. It makes me angry and I just don't understand. I want to shout and I want to hit something really hard. I just want to scream and tell God that it isn't fair. Nell is a sweet sweet person with the biggest heart in the world. She's lived a good Christian life and would do anything for anybody. We NEED her here!!! Why oh why won't He heal her? There is an army of people praying for her and I bet you can't find one person on the face of this earth that has anything bad to say about her. The world would be a much better place if there were more people here like her. So, why won't he let her stay?

As much as I'm going to miss her and as bad as it hurts to think of my life without her in it, it hurts even more to think of how it will affect my children. They all love her so much!! They need her!! She absolutely adores them and they aren't going to understand why she's gone. I love that woman, and I wish that I could be half the woman that she is!

I'm still here

2009-08-07T16:48:00.003-05:00

I seem to have abandoned my poor blog lately. A lot has happened in the last month. My family of 4 is now a family of 5. I now have two beautiful girls to love and a handsome boy. Bubba and his team won the State Championship!! Dr. visits and dentist appointments. Getting ready for back to school. My list goes on and on. I think I am finally adjusting to having two "babies." Yes, Sister is now a toddler but she's still a baby too. She's doing well but the terrible two's are upon us. Thumper is amazing! She's my mini-me. I'm having a little, okay a lot, of trouble getting her to take a bottle. I have tried four different kinds so far and she won't have any of them. I NEED her to take one every now and then. I love nursing her but momma needs a break from time to time. At this point I don't know if she will ever take a bottle. I am going to meet with a consultant next week and maybe, just maybe she'll have a pointer or two. Bubba has another tournament this weekend so I have lots to do but I promise to try and do better with the blog. Gotta go for now, there's a beautiful blue eyed baby waiting for momma to feed her! :-)

I'm ready

2009-06-23T09:25:00.002-05:00

Well, as ready as I'm gonna get anyway. I made it! It's bittersweet! It went by so fast and I wish that I had more time but I don't, therefore I'm ready. The heat is getting to me. My body is swelling and I'm miserable. Fingers and toes feel like sausages and it's getting hard to walk without a serious waddle.
The never ending comments, they are old. I take Bubba to baseball practice 4 days a week and every single time we go someone has to ask, "Haven't had that baby yet?" I'd really like to come back with something snarky and mean but I just smile and go on. People really don't mean anything by it, they just don't think before they speak.

The next few weeks are going to be really hard. Hard on all of us. Bubba is right in the middle of All-Stars. His District tournament starts this Friday. If they play well then they should make it all the way to the championship game. Well, that game, it's on Tuesday, the day I'm scheduled for my c-section. It really makes me sad that I'll have to miss Bubba's big day. I've only missed about 3 baseball games in his entire life and to have to miss the District Championship is heartbreaking. I'm ready for Thumper to arrive but the timing in all of it stinks. Then if/when they win the District Championship they will go on to state in a couple of weeks. It's a little further away in a bigger town. I'll get broke in good doing my travels for the first time with three kiddos. By the end of July it will all be over. Thumper will be here, All-Stars will be over, and maybe, just maybe, I can settle down and breath a bit before it's time for Bubba to go back to school.

I need a vacation!!!

The Final Countdown

2009-06-17T15:08:00.002-05:00

It looks like we've made it, look how far we've come my baby! I'm just full of lyrics today, lol. It's a great feeling to know that we've made it!!! My baby girl is FULL TERM! I've tried really hard to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy and the end will be very bittersweet because I know this is the last baby for me. I'm getting a little tired now, feet and hands are staying swollen and the overall miserable feeling has taken over. I know I just have a few more days to enjoy those flips and kicks in my belly though. It's an amazing feeling to have a little one inside of you moving around, knowing that you are giving her life. I'll miss that soon! I can't wait to meet her and love and cuddle her. I have so many mixed emotions going on right now. It's crazy! I must admit, I am kinda ready for that hospital stay, I'm ready to rest. I'm constantly on the go and haven't slowed down enough to catch my breath. I'm ready for to breath a minute. I'm worried about Sister and Hubs though. I know they will do fine without me but it's gonna be hard for me not to worry about them. I never did get those maternity shots that I wanted but I've got plenty of photos this time around. Bubba has taken my pic for me every few weeks and done a pretty amazing job. That's good enough for me! It won't be long now, I'll be a mommy of three!!!

My poor blog

2009-06-10T11:27:00.002-05:00

It has been abandoned lately thanks to too much Farm Town, swollen feet, and just down right laziness. Thumper will be here soon!! I'm not exactly sure how soon but we know it's soon. The original plan was to go to the 30th of June. Now, I'll just be happy to make it past Sunday. I never thought that I'd make it to 37 weeks but I am ever so close. A lot of my fears and anxiety are over now. I made it! If my baby girl decides to come a little early at this point, she will be okay. There should be no extended stays in the NICU. No emergency C-secs where they knock me out and take my baby. I'm so proud of myself for making it this far. No one thought that I would. The only anxiety that I am having now is what about Sister? She's never been away from me at night, nor I without her. No one has ever put her to bed but her mommy. She loves her daddy and I know he will do the best that he can but..... I'm sure they will be fine, it will be me that misses her the most I am sure. I've never been away from her for more than a couple of hours and that was only while she was with her daddy. Will she think that I have abandoned her? Will she cry for me? I just don't know. I know that we will make it and everything will be okay but me being the control freak that I am, I can't help but worry about it. Bubba, he will be fine. He is big enough to take care of himself. The only thing I worry about him is what he is eating and if he is getting enough sleep. He's a good boy and I couldn't do it without him.

Hang in there Thumper, we are almost there baby girl!

The end is near

2009-05-26T16:30:00.002-05:00

The end of school that is. I know a lot of parents dread the end of school and having their kids home all summer. Me, I love it! I like having my kids at home with me. Sure, there are times that I need to be alone or wish that Hubs would take them out for awhile but for the most part, I enjoy being with my kids as much as possible. I can't wait for Bubba to be home everyday with Sister and I. Once Baby Girl gets here, Bubba will be a big help to me. I remember how much help he was when Sister was born. He's a great big brother and I couldn't ask for more.

I guess losing my mom at such a young age really taught me to cherish every moment you have with your kids. My mom was taken from me way too soon! I took too many things for granted and there are so many things that I didn't get to say or do while she was still here. I guess that makes me realize, life is short. Our kids, they aren't kids for long. They grow up way too fast! I want to enjoy every moment of them that I can. I want to create memories that we all cherish. If something were to happen to me and God took me away, I want my kids to remember the time that I spent with them. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I tried to be the best mom that I could be and my kids always come first. God was good enough to give them to me so I'm going to do my best to take care of them.

All too often I see parents pushing their kids away. Not realizing what they are missing. Not realizing how quickly they grow up. Bubba will be 11 in a couple of weeks and it just makes me sad. While I enjoy every new stage of his life and seeing him grow up, I also hate it. Time goes by so quickly and if we aren't careful we could miss out on a lot. I don't want to miss a thing!

Happy Birthday

2009-05-12T08:52:00.002-05:00

Happy 52nd Birthday Mom!!! I love you, I miss you, and can't wait to see you on the other side!!!

Will it ever get easier?

2009-05-11T00:41:00.002-05:00

I miss my mom so much! October 18th will be 10 years since she's been gone and I still miss her as much today as I did 10 years ago. I miss her smile, her laughter, even her yelling at me. What I wouldn't give for just one more day! It's so not fair that my kids will never know her. I can tell them about her and show them pictures of her but they will never know her.

She will never attend a birthday party or a baseball game. She'll never get to hear me say, "Mom, you were right!" My kids will never get to know her for the caring and loving person that she was. It wasn't until she was gone that I realized just how much she meant to me and just how much she sacrificed for her kids.

Life just isn't fair and it's so hard to understand sometimes. Some people live like the devil and live long lives and grow old. Others spend their lives taking care of others and making sacrifices just to die young and leave their loved ones behind. Was her job here done and He was ready for her to come home? Even that is hard for me to grasp. Her job here couldn't have been done because I need her. How it be her time to go when I need her so badly? I just don't understand.

The next couple of days will be tough for me. Today was Mother's Day and I had a really bad day. Tuesday will be her birthday. All I can think about is what I didn't do while she was still here. I never showed her just how important that she was to me. She doesn't know how much I truly appreciate her. I never got to tell her the things I feel in my heart. Oh what I wouldn't give for just one more day!

Closer and closer

2009-05-04T23:40:00.002-05:00

I'm getting closer every day to being the mommy of three. Growing up I had always said that I wanted three children. Then after Hubs and I tried for so many years to have another child I came to grips with the fact that God was only going to bless me with one. After years of trying and years of disappointment I was really finally okay with that. Bubba was big enough to not need a car seat anymore. When we got ready to go somewhere I could tell him to load up and let's go. No diaper bags, no snack packs, no sippy cups. He and I could just hop in the truck and go wherever we wanted to go.

My how life has changed in the last two years. Two years ago it was just Bubba and I. Now we have a sweet girly that is about to be two and another one on the way. It's still hard to believe sometimes that I am going to be the mother of three. God granted my wish, but He granted it in His time, not mine. For whatever reason, God chose to bless us with two babies. Just when I had given up, He knew when the timing was right. I feel so blessed!

Time is ticking and it's only a matter of weeks until Thumper arrives. In a way I am so ready for her to be here. Then reality strikes and I think, "What in the world am I going to do?" Am I going to be able to balance my time with three children? All of my life all I ever wanted to be was a good wife and a good mommy. I hope I can handle it and do the job right. It's going to be an amazing trip!

Where did my toddler go?

2009-04-30T09:16:00.004-05:00

My boy, he's growing up before my very eyes. Part of me can't stand it. I want my baby back! He was my one and only for 9 years. He and I are so close and I cherish that. My little boy isn't a baby anymore. He's not that chunky little blond haired toddler that used to make me laugh. Now he's a preteen, in junior high, and showing interest in girls. Time goes by so fast!!!

I watched him and his daddy seine fish last night and he is such a great helper. He's really stepped up and helped his daddy out since I can't do it now. I'm so glad that he enjoys helping his daddy and we don't have to force him. Seeing him grow and blossom is amazing. But....what happened to my toddler? In the back of my mind I can still see that little boy with blond hair and baby fat. It seems like only yesterday that I was laying beside him in bed every night until he fell asleep. Like only yesterday I was packing his lunch in his Power Rangers lunch box. I love the boy that he has become but I also miss the baby that he was. Life is short and it goes by so quickly.

He and I are still very close and I pray that we stay that way. I know that sometimes I am too hard on him and I have to watch what I say and do. I just want him to grow up to be a good person, a respecter of women, a man that others look up to. I want so many things for him but I know that he has to blossom and grow on his own. Gah, I love that kid! I just want the best for him!

Love your babies and cherish every moment you have with them because one day, you'll look around and they'll be all grown up. It happens that fast! I am so thankful for every moment that I have gotten to spend with my children. They are my greatest gift!!

I'm pregnant dang it!

2009-04-25T00:58:00.004-05:00

The kids and I had to make a quick run to the grocery store tonight after Bubba's baseball game. While we were there we ran into some old friends of ours. She commented that they had seen us at the ballpark. She said, "We recognized you half way across the ballpark. Mother said that you looked like you were having twins." Who the crap says that? How do I respond to that?

While we were at the ballpark tonight I ran into some friends that we hadn't seen in about a year. When he saw me he said, "So the rumor is true, you are having another baby. When are you due, you look like you are about to pop."

In the last week I have heard, "Are you going to make it to July?" "You're really poking out there aren't you?" "Are you going to have that baby today?" "My gosh you look miserable." "I think you've got twins in there." The list goes on. Only ONCE, just ONCE have I heard a nice comment. It was tonight at the ballpark. Another mom told me that I looked "cute and glowing." I almost cried when she said it. I am so used to people and their negative remarks that I didn't know how to react to someone saying something nice.

What is it with people? They don't think before they speak. Why is it so hard to say something nice to someone? I'm proud of my pregnant belly. God planted a miracle in my stomach and I want the world to see. I admit that I've gained a little more weight than I would have like to. I've still got more gaining to do. But....I am not ashamed of the way I look. I am carrying God's miracle! It would just be nice if more people recognized that instead of focusing on the negative. Why do people always focus on the negative?

Wow what a week and it isn't over yet!

2009-04-24T00:15:00.002-05:00

The trip to the dentist, it wasn't what I was hoping it would be. Bubba had to have 4 teeth pulled. They were baby teeth that had permanent teeth trying to push them out. He also had 2 cavities. Ugh! Sister, she didn't want them looking at her teeth. She kept saying, no mommy, my teeth. We finally had to just hold her down. It didn't take but a minute and she was fine afterwards but it still wasn't fun. We ended up spending about 3 hours at the dentist office and have an appointment to go back in a month.

I have an appointment with the OBGYN today. It went well! I actually don't have to go back for 2 more weeks. I'm really glad because originally she said every week but is going to let me slide this time. When I go back in 2 weeks I will have an u/s to see how everything is looking. We are taking precautions and trying everything we can to keep Thumper in there as long as possible.

Tomorrow is girls day out. Sister and I, mil, sil, and sil's friend, will go for a girls day out. It should be fun!

Catching up

2009-04-20T22:42:00.003-05:00

Gah, I've abandoned my poor blog lately. I've been super busy! I did the March for Babies walk and am so glad that I did. We got rained on and it was a little tough the second half of the walk but I'm happy that we did it. Bubba is proud of himself too! He has all kinds of plans for next year and we will get a bigger head start on the fundraising for sure.

Tomorrow the kids both have dentist appointments. There are no pediatric dentists in the area so I have to drive an hour to the closest one. I could take them to a regular dentist here but I would rather drive the extra miles and see that they have a good experience. I hate going to the dentist and I don't want them feeling that way.

Thursday I'll drive an hour to see my OBGYN. After this visit I have to start going on a weekly basis. She wants to take every precaution necessary to see to it that I don't have this baby early. I must admit, the closer I get to 33 wks. the more scared I get. I'm trying really hard not to stress over it because I know that stress isn't good for me nor the baby but it's hard not to think about. Having Sister the way I did was the scariest thing I have ever been through in my life and I don't want to go through that again, ever. Bake baby bake!

Friday, Bubba has another baseball game. He's been doing VERY well and I am so proud of him. His pitching has been excellent and he's crushing the ball. So far he's 6 for 8 at the plate. Couldn't ask for any better!

Hubs has plans for planting peas, corn, and tomatoes this weekend. The forecast is sunny and beautiful so I am kinda looking forward to it. I'm not sure how much planting I will do but I intend on spending some quality time outdoors with my family none the less.

Easter Reunion

2009-04-12T11:44:00.003-05:00

Every year, the Saturday before Easter, we have a big family get together. My dad's side of the family all gathers at the park and cooks burgers and hot dogs. We have way too many sweets, the kids have a great time on the playground, the men talk about hunting and work while the women catch up on all of the happenings in our daily lives. We always have a great time!

This year, was the best! I saw faces this year that I haven't seen in years. Cousins that I used to be extremely close to but hadn't been in contact with since high school showed up yesterday. It was really nice seeing them and their families. It's amazing to see how we've all grown up. I can remember going to these big Easter get togethers and being the kiddo. Now, I have kiddo's of my own. It's sad to see the elders disappearing though. So many of them have gone on to the other side. The ones that are left aren't in the greatest of health. Kinda makes me sad and makes me feel old too. It really makes me realize just how short life really is. Our kids grow up too fast and if we aren't careful, we'll miss out on important things.

Seeing so many of my relatives this weekend made me stop and think, what do you have if you don't have family? Whether that family be big or small, we NEED them in our lives. How blessed we are to have family! There was not one person there yesterday that shared the same blood as I. Not one person that shared my genes. (Other than my children) But EVERYONE there was my family. Aunts, Uncles, cousins, they don't have to share your blood to be your family. My daddy, we don't share the same blood but he is my daddy in every since of the word. I've been a part of his family since I was 2 years old. Love, loyalty, compassion, that makes a family, not blood. There was not one person at that reunion yesterday that I couldn't call at any time of the day or night if I needed them. They would be there and I would be there for them. Family, we need to cherish our families and be thankful for what we've got. I couldn't imagine my life without them!!

Income Tax

2009-03-31T11:02:00.002-05:00

Woo Hoo!!! The accountant just called, a fax is on the way, and our return will be deposited in 3 days!! God is good! This money couldn't have come at a better time! Thank you Jesus!!!!!

A new look

2009-03-28T23:51:00.002-05:00

I started out just looking for a new look to my boring blog. Because I'm an idiot and didn't back up everything I have to basically start all over. Oh well, it was time for a change. It will take me a couple of days but I'll get it all lined out. I finally have music, that makes me happy!

A Stranger's Heart

2009-03-23T22:44:00.003-05:00

You never know what someone else is going through. The daily struggles that they live with, the hurt that is in their heart, you can't see it on the outside. Unless you are told, you have no clue what's in someone else's mind. I try to remember that and live by that rule as much as possible. Bubba and I have discussed it many times. If you are in the check out line and the lady checking out your groceries is a little rude or unsociable, take into account that you don't know what she may be going through.

I had to have blood drawn for my diabetes test. The lady that was drawing my blood was very short, a bit bitter, and even somewhat rude. She's an elderly lady and I've seen her in the halls of the Dr.'s office many times. She's never really worn a smile and doesn't have much to say to anyone. I've often thought to myself, "what a rude old hag," but I've never said anything. Then I slipped up, I made a comment to the girl taking my blood pressure that the old lady was in bad mood all of the time. She said, "Yeah, she just lost her husband 3 weeks ago to cancer, they had been married almost 50 years." Okay, now I feel like a complete jerk! Instead of judging her, I should have taken my own advice and considered what she may be going through. It doesn't excuse the fact that she's a bit rude and very cold but it does help me to understand why she is. How would I feel if I had lost my husband of almost 50 years to cancer? Just goes to show that you never know what another person is going through. You never know what weighs on someone else's heart. I'm going to try a little harder to take my own advice and not be so quick to judge. Now, instead of grumbling to myself about how rude she is, I'll be praying for God to give her peace.

Where did it go?

2009-03-19T23:21:00.003-05:00

This week has gone by so fast. The weather has been absolutely beautiful and we have pretty much had something to do everyday. It's like I have blinked and it's almost over. I love Bubba being home! He's a great helper for one thing. He can take Sister outside to play and give me a few minutes to do chores that are otherwise hard when she's "helping." He's just a great kid and I love having him around. I'm so lucky that Thumper is due during the summer when I'll have Bubba home to help me. I don't know what I'd do without that kid. He's amazing!

Yesterday I did my dil duty and took my mil to the Dr. Actually, I dropped her off at the office and the kids and I went to the Disney Science Museum. It was a lot of fun! The kids had a blast and I ran my legs off chasing Sister but it was a fun day. The only thing I regret is that I took my camera but had no freaking memory card. I've done that a time or two lately and I think I may have to buy an extra to keep in the bag for just such occasions. I really really need to invest in a decent camera bag. The one I use now, it's actually a lunch box, lol. Yup, I'm cheap and lame.

The day out with mil wasn't too bad. We had a little talk a few days ago and I got some things straight. She's been on her best behavior and I think, at least for now, she knows where her boundaries are. She's really a good person and she means well but she needed to be put in her place a long time ago. It's really my fault for letting it go on as long as it did. I think now that things are out in the open, we will all feel much better. I'm still going to be careful what I say and keep my distance so to speak. I still don't trust her and probably never will again. Trust is something you've got to earn and once you've broken it, it's hard to ever fix it.

We've got the weekend left and then Bubba is back to school. No baseball practice and no ballgames this weekend so I'm not sure what we'll do. Maybe a day at the movies, just my boy and I. I'll have to check the listings and see what's showing. We haven't had a day out just he and I in a very long time. Yep, I think it's a plan!

My heart hurts

2009-03-16T09:10:00.002-05:00

The room was full of family and friends. Everyone talking about M and how she would be missed and how horrible it was that she had been taken too soon. Discussions of her murder and when her killer would be brought to justice. Conversations were all over the room, remembering M. as a beautiful, loving mother. Then, the room got silent for a moment. You could have heard a pin drop. I turned and looked and there they were, her beautiful girls. The room was quiet and still as those two beautiful girls walked down to the front where the body of their mother layed. The oldest had a tight grip on the little one's hand as they both sobbed all the way down the isle. The oldest one, a spitting image of her mother, and the little one, the total face of innocence. There was not a dry eye in the room. Those two beautiful children's lives have been turned upside down. Anyone with half a heart ached for those two children as they made their way to view their mother in the coffin.

As they made it down to the front, my grandfather (and theirs) wrapped his arms around them and the three of them proceeded to the casket. He, just as heartbroken as the girls, had a hard time standing up. He had already layed one daughter to rest and now his other. The pain he must feel. He's lost not only one child, but now two, his only two daughters. Both, gone too soon! How heartbreaking for a father to lose both of his little girls.

The plans for the girls futures is still undecided. Right now, they are staying with a close family friend. They requested to stay there so right now, whatever the girls want, that's what they will get. They are top priority right now. Today will be extremely hard for them. It will be the last time that they see their mother. They will watch as she is placed into the ground and her body forever leaves this world. The one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that M. taught both of those girls about the love of Jesus. They know that He is there to comfort them and they know that their mother is in His hands. His love is what will get them through!

Gone Too Soon!

2009-03-14T21:51:00.002-05:00

A beautiful woman, loving mother, devoted Christian. Caring, outgoing, lover of life! Gone too soon! I never really called her aunt because she was only 4 years older than me but in relation, that's exactly what she was, my aunt. My mom's only sister. The "baby" of the family. She was a good person and left this world way too soon. She leaves behind two beautiful girls. My heart aches so badly for them. It is so not fair that they have to go on without her. I just pray that God wraps his arms around them and delivers them from the horrible pain that I know they must be going through. I pray that the memory of watching their mother die in their arms from a gunshot wound does not haunt them for the rest of their lives.

The man that did this is a coward. How could anyone take a mother from her children? Leave their children without a mother? Now, they will also be without a father. He did it! He hasn't been arrested yet, for lack of evidence, but it is only a matter of time. He's guilty! Even more pain and suffering for those two beautiful girls. How will they go on knowing that their father killed their mother? I am just so sad for them! I hope they catch him soon and he spends the rest of his natural born life in prison. Once he gets there, I hope he becomes some body's bitch. Even that, that's too easy for him. For what he's done to this family and to his own children, he deserves to suffer.

Visitation is tomorrow and the funeral the next day. Hubs, the kids, and I will go to visitation. I have a really hard time with funerals and I'm not certain if I will make it to hers or not. I will have to do a lot of praying and make up my mind later. I've been to too many funerals in my lifetime. Mamaw, Nanny, Mom, brother, father in law, Uncle, Great granny, Papaw, Popa, and several friends and that's all in the last 10 years. I just don't know if I can do it again. I could go to a complete strangers funeral and bawl like a baby. It's not for the one in the casket that I weep for, it's for the ones that are left behind. I know that my "aunt" loved the Lord and I know where her heart was. She'll be okay! It's her girls, her father, her brother, her family that are left behind to grieve that I weep for. Her funeral is also in the exact funeral home where I last saw my mother, my brother, and my nanny. Their services were all there and every time I walk into that place the memories come flooding back. I'm just not sure it's what's best for me, Thumper and Sister. I'll just pray!

When you say your prayers, if you don't mind, please say a little prayer for the girls. The oldest is 10 and the baby is just 3. They are really going to miss their mommy!!!!!

Passive Aggressive Much?

2009-03-10T23:46:00.002-05:00

She was gone an entire week and I must admit that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Only one phone call the entire time that she was gone and I actually let it go to voice mail. Then today, she came back. Same old passive aggressive bull crap. Hubs and I have had a talk and I explained to her today that we all three need to have a talk. Her response, "Well, I'll let ya'll talk to me because I know I'm the wrong one and whatever ya'll want to say is going to be right." OMG, she's killing me! She's completely and totally obsessed with my child and it is sickening. Will she ever realize that she is NOT the mother? I know she's old and all but she's got a brain right?
She has seriously worn out her welcome with me and I can never feel the way I used to feel about her again. I honestly can't stand to be around her anymore. The sight of her makes me cringe. I really do hate feeling that way but she's brought it all on herself. I hope that Hubs and I can have a long talk with her and make her understand what she's doing. Heck, Hubs doesn't even know the half of it. I've kept my mouth shut for so long until I finally go to the boiling point. I was worried that it would cause trouble between Hubs and I but as it turns out, he's on my side. I'm ready to get some things off of my chest and tell her exactly how I feel and lay down the law so to speak. Things have got to change before Thumper gets here, that's for sure.

Why would you stay?

2009-03-09T22:34:00.003-05:00

If you knew that you weren't wanted somewhere, that you weren't welcome, would you stay? Would you feel awkward knowing that you were in a place where your input was no longer valued? No matter if you told the truth or if you didn't, no one believed it anyway. Would you stay just out of spite or would you leave with what little bit of dignity you had left?
I'd like to think that I'd have enough couth about me to pack up and go. As an immature teenager, I may have stayed but now that I'm an adult and I've matured I think I'd go. No need in staying where you know you aren't wanted. There's just too many other places to go.
I've never really understood that about some people. I hope that I'm mature enough and self confident enough to know that my input could be valued someplace else. Just something to think about I guess.

He's passionate about it

2009-03-03T08:51:00.003-06:00

Bubba is jumping in with both feet and really trying to make a go of this March for Babies walk. He's so excited about it and wanting to do so many things to raise money in his sisters name. We started out with a small goal because I didn't want him to get disappointed if he didn't reach his goal. Our team goal is $250.00 but his personal goal is $100.00. He's already made $50.00 so he's proud. The walk isn't until April 18th so he still has awhile. Last night he printed information to take to school today, he sent out about 30 emails, and he's going to talk to his principal this afternoon. He wants to talk to the principal about doing a penny drive or something for the Junior High. I'm really glad that he's getting so involved. He knows how lucky we were when Sister was born and he wants to show his appreciation by raising money to help others. I think it's great! He's a 10 year old boy with a HUGE heart!

He's already talking about how he wants to design our t-shirts and who all he wants to recruit to walk with us. I'm hoping that him being so aggressive and involved in this cause that it will encourage him to get involved in other charities later on. He's a good kid and I couldn't be more proud of him.

Procrastinate much?

2009-02-27T20:40:00.002-06:00

It's been several week since I ran across that great deal on fabric. Wal-Mart is no longer going to sell fabric and they had it all on sale for 50% off. It was pretty picked over by the time I found out about it but I still walked away with some goodies. I got some really cute Bugs Bunny fabric to make Sister a pair of scrubs for when Thumper is born. He's wearing a Dr.'s coat, eating a carrot, and saying What's Up Doc! They had some cute Elmo material that I plan on making her some p.j.'s out of. A pretty pink fabric with hearts and skulls that I may make a jumper with. Two or three other styles that I plan on using for jammies and such. I even purchased a new sewing machine that day.

The problem.....the sewing machine is still in the box and I haven't touched any of it since I brought it home. It is in my office and I look at it several times a day but have yet to get started on anything. What is it that has made me so flippin lazy? I have big plans but get nothing done. I used to not be this way. I used to be a go getter. Always going, always doing, never stopping. Now, I sit on my butt in front of this computer screen. I've gotta get motivated! The weather has been nice the last couple of days and Sister and I have spent much of the day outside. It's been so nice to be able to go outside and play and not have to bundle up. But, tomorrow, a cold front is coming. Supposed to be a really cold weekend. Ugh! I'm hoping that once spring gets here that I can get off of my butt and get motivated to do something besides stare at this monitor. Besides, I don't have much longer before Thumper gets here, I gotta get to sewing.

It's a new season

2009-02-25T10:57:00.002-06:00

Last weekend was our very last Little Dribblers basketball game ever. It was the last time that I will ever coach him and the last time that he will ever play. This week started a new season. The spring season baseball draft was held on Sunday. I was so worried about him getting on a good team and where he'd go in the draft. Once it was all over and we got a phone call I couldn't have been more relieved. There were 117 kids that tried out for teams. Bubba went #5 in the draft. That's freaking awesome! I'm so proud of him! I know he's good but you know when you are a parent it's hard not to be a little biased. It was so awesome to find out that other coaches thinks he's that awesome too. He got a great coach too! I was so worried about that. His coach is a good Christian guy and will definitely teach him something. There are so many coaches out there that aren't good mentors and I didn't want him to get stuck with some smuck. God was looking out for us and we are both pleased with the outcome. He can't wait to get started and meet new teammates and friends.

Tomorrow is his first tournament game. He's on a Select Tournament team too. They are the best of the best in the league and they travel and play weekend tournaments. It's very competitive but fun too. Bubba loves it! Thank goodness they don't play that often because it can get a little heavy on the pocket book. Their team has good sponsors though and they usually take care of supplying their uniforms and such. Which reminds me, I better go hunt up all of Bubba's uniform, it's been a couple of months since he's worn it.

Other news: Still no name for our little Thumper. It really bothers me that she doesn't have a name yet. I just haven't come across THAT name and until I do she'll just be our little Thumper.
Sissy girl has been peeing on the potty!!!! Yay Sissy! We are no where near potty trained yet but we have sure made good progress this week.
If we can get her out of diapers before Thumper gets here I'll be tickled pink.
It's less than three months before her second birthday and I must admit, it makes me a little sad. Where has time gone?
I'm over half way with this pregnancy and I want it to slow down. I know this is the last one and I want to cherish every moment of it.

Chapter Over

2009-02-21T22:57:00.004-06:00

I did it today. I coached Bubba for the very last time. It just dawned on me and I am very sad. I started out making a totally different post and it hit me. It's over! I'll never coach him again. I can't believe that chapter of our life is over. My boy is growing up and I hate it. I know he has to but it makes me very very sad. He's my baby! I knew that it was going to be hard but I didn't know it was going to hit me like this. I'm a blubbering mess!

I have coached that sweet boy since he very first started. Basketball, spring baseball, fall ball, we've done it all. He and I, we've been a great team over the years. There have been times that I have wanted to quit but when those big beautiful eyes of his would beg me to continue I just couldn't say no. It's been hard. Not an easy road at all. Kids sports get very competitive and there's lots of drama. Men make it hard too. Most of them don't like the competition of a woman coach. They just made me that much more determined. They made me strive to be a better coach, a better mom.

We've had good times and bad times. Winning seasons and losing seasons. Sometimes it was fun and sometimes it wasn't fun at all. No matter what, we were a team, he and I. He's an extremely awesome kid and he has taught me so much. We have learned things together. We have created memories that will last a lifetime. Memories that not all parents get to share with their kids. All-star tournaments and Championship games, it's been so much fun! I am so proud of my boy and I am really going to miss coaching him. It may seem silly to some, but to me, it was something really special. Bubba and I have a really special bond and sports has been a big part of our lives. I'm going to miss so much about it but most of all, I'll miss the time we spend together. Now he'll spend that time with another coach, another mentor. I know he has to grow up and he has to learn from others but I'm not ready. I thought I was but I'm not. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Damn this parenting stuff is HARD. It really tears at your heartstrings.

He's a big boy now and tomorrow he will get his first phone call from his new coach. He'll be on a team with a new group of boys, a new group of coaches, and a new set of rules. I know he'll be fine but it's hard knowing that I have no control. I just pray that he gets a good coach that will teach him something and be fair. It's all I can ask for. He's a great ball player and I know he'll do fine! I'll start this season in the stands, a place I've never been before. It's going to be a different ride that's for sure.

I'm gonna walk!

2009-02-19T09:45:00.003-06:00

I've been interested in March of Dimes ever since I had Sister. She was 7 wks early and defied all odds. The Dr.'s were preparing us for all kinds of problems. They expected oxygen and feeding tubes, a long stay in the hospital, even possible developmental delays. My sweet precious girl entered this world a healthy 4 lbs. 13 oz. and breathing on her own. She never had to have oxygen, be in an incubator, or even have feeding tubes. She was a trooper. a real fighter from the very beginning. We were soooo blessed! She and I were in the hospital for 7 days. During those 7 days I saw a lot of babies and a lot of families that were not nearly as blessed. Tiny little frail babies with all sorts of tubes in their little bodies. Mommies having to touch their babies through incubator walls. It was really sad and really hard to see. I was going to that NICU every 3 hours to see and feed my precious baby girl and it was hard. I admit, I had times that I really felt sorry for myself, then I would look around and see how fortunate we were. How much worse it could be.

I got to know one lady there fairly well. Her baby, Olivia was born at 33 wks, just like Sister. But little Olivia only weighed 3.8 lbs. She had the tubes and monitors and was confined to an incubator. Her mother was staying in a Ronald McDonald House and coming to visit when she could. Little Olivia had already been in the hospital for weeks before we got there so this mother had already seen others come and go. I felt so sorry for her! She cried the day we got to take Sister home. She hugged me as we left and said that she was happy for us but couldn't help but be jealous. I learned a lot about preemies that week that we were in the hospital. Taking care of a preemie is completely different that taking care of a full term babe. I couldn't have done it without the support of my loving family.

March of Dimes is having a March for Babies Walk here in my hometown and I've decided to get up off of my butt and walk. Yes, I will be big and preggo, probably swollen feet and all but I can do it. It's a two mile walk in the middle of April and it's for a good cause. I am stepping out and hoping to raise money to help other families with premature babies. Bubba is really excited about it too and he's talked to a couple of his teachers about doing a fund raiser at school. Maybe a penny collection or something. I'm excited and can't wait to get started! If I can help just one person, just one family, not have to go through what we went through with Sister, then it is all worth it.

Why do I care?

2009-02-12T12:08:00.002-06:00

I finally moved up into the big wide world of high speed. Now that I can cruise the internet a little, okay a lot quicker, I have been looking at things I normally wouldn't have looked at. Today, I was looking around on Myspace. Used to it took so long to load that I didn't even bother going there. My little sister has a rather entertaining myspace page. She and I, we've never really gotten along. There is 10 years between us and we are so incredibly different. I saw that she had posted some new pictures so I thought I'd take a look. I wish that I would have just stayed away from her page. Why do I do this to myself?

She's a really gorgeous girl but sits on her fat ass all day doing nothing and just gets bigger and bigger. She's as big as a dang house. She has never worked a day in her life and there is no reason why. She's married to a redneck idiot and doesn't have any kids. There is no excuse for her not getting off of her big ole butt and doing something. Heck, if nothing else, get out and walk some of that fat off. There is being overweight and then there is being obese. She is VERY obese! It's really really sad because she is sooooo pretty and has so much potential. Anyway, I've gotten off topic now. This is not what upset me the most.

While I'm checking out her pictures, I found a few pics of her and my brother. Then a pic or two of her, my brother, and my lil brother that died. A few pics of her mom, her hubby, lots and lots of pics of herself. Then, came the shocker. Pictures of my father. Then I looked on her front page and notice that he's been commenting on her myspace page. Curiosity got the best of me and I went to check out my little brother's page. Yep, he's been commenting on his page too. My brother and sister both have a great relationship with him. They adore him and are all very close. It's just really hard for me to look at him and see how happy they are and know that he is the same man that almost destroyed my life. He beat me and molested me. He took some of the most important years of my life from me. There are scars on my heart that will never go away. I've faught and struggled for so long to get over what that man did to me. I still fight and struggle to overcome the hurt that lays deep inside. Why? Why does he deserve to be happy? Why does he deserve to have children love and adore him after what he did to me? It just doesn't seem fair. Part of me HATES him! I don't use that word often but part of me does truly HATE him. Everytime I think I have forgiven him, something else comes up. Why do I care what he does with his life? Why do I care that my brother and sister love him so much? Why can't I just get over it? I'm the only one that gets hurt. Ugh!

How is it time already?

2009-02-10T13:54:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow we go find out what Thumper is going to be. Boy? Girl? I can't decide what I want. I guess, honestly, I really don't care. With Bubba, I knew from the beginning that I wanted a boy. I was so incredibly happy when it was confirmed. With Sister, I wanted a girl because Hubs and Bubba wanted a girl. I must admit though that I caught myself looking at little boy clothes from time to time. Now, I am soooo glad that I got my girly. She's a feisty little toot but so much fun! I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. I thought that surely if I ever got pregnant again that I would want a boy. You know, since I was still looking at little boy clothes even after it was confirmed that Sister would be a girl. But deep down, I think another girl would be awesome. I joke about how much of a handful she is, and Lord knows she is, but I would take 100 more just like her. So, whatever this baby is, I will be happy. As long as he/she is healthy, that's all that matters. I can't wait to find out!

It is so hard to believe that I am already 19 wks. It seems like only yesterday that I found out I was preggers. It's going too fast. This is most definitely the last one and I want it to slow down. I can't wait to meet Thumper but I don't want this pregnancy to fly by either. I really like being pregnant. The first couple of months are kind of rough. The tiredness and all is a little tough but once that little baby inside starts growing and moving, it's an awesome feeling. I love it when the baby moves. After Sister was born I really missed my preggo belly a lot. A lot more than I could have imagined that I would. I would catch myself rubbing my belly and kind of feeling sad that my little baby wasn't in there moving around.

Having Sister so early really taught me to slow down and enjoy every minute of pregnancy. After my appointment yesterday, I'm a little scared. There is a 50-50 chance that I will have this baby early too. Having Sister so early was the scariest thing I have ever been through in my life and I don't EVER want to go through that again. The Dr. told me yesterday that I will have to start my weekly visits at 30 wks. this time. We also decided that a vbac is not an option. It looks like I will have to have a c-sec this time. If Thumper stays in there and bakes like he/she is supposed to then I can handle the c-sec. What I can't handle is another emergency. Please little one, PLEASE, stay put until it is time to come out.

Leave me and my household alone!

2009-02-04T09:30:00.003-06:00

It seems that the flu is going around really bad. There have been so many kids at school sick with the flu that they are talking about dismissing school for a few days. There are only 35 kids in the sixth grade and Bubba said that they've had 5-6 absent every day this week. I got an email from the school this morning and according to the email, the elementary has really been hit hard. Boy am I glad that Bubba isn't in that building anymore.

The school gave free flu shots several months back and I was a little upset that Bubba didn't tell me about it until it was over with. Now, it looks like those flu shots didn't do any good anyway. They say that this round of flu is different and that no one is safe. We only have five boys on our basketball team and Bubba said that two of them have been home all week with the flu. Looks like we won't be playing ball this weekend. I hate to forfeit but it looks like we have no choice.

If it is really as bad as they say it is I wish they would just go ahead and cancel school. I really really don't want my kids to come down with it. Other than Sister getting sick from the Dr.'s office when we went for her 18 month well check, my kids have been pretty healthy this winter. A sniffle here or there but nothing major and I'd like to keep it that way. And Lord knows that my big preggo butt doesn't need to get sick. Please, oh please sickies, stay away from me and my household.

Not sure what to do

2009-01-29T19:34:00.003-06:00

I got a very unexpected phone call tonight. It was from my little sister. She lives in the town where my ex lives and all of his relatives. She and I don't get along very well and only talk a couple of times a year. So, when she called tonight I was a little shocked and waiting to hear what she wanted this time. It seems that the only time she calls is when she wants something.

Once she got past the small talk she says, "I need a really really big favor." She tells me that my ex's mother is dying. She has been diagnosed with brain/lung cancer like my mother had. They are giving her two weeks to live and she wants to see Bubba before she dies. First of all, that is not my choice to make. Bubba is old enough to make those kind of decisions on his own. He's a smart boy! So, I told her to give me a call back tomorrow and I will let her know.

Part of me doesn't even want to mention it to him. I know I have to and it is ultimately his choice but why now? She never cared about him when the ex and I were married. She never had anything to do with him, didn't even come to the baby shower or his first birthday. She's never been to any birthday of his as far as that goes. She hasn't seen him in well over six years. Never once has she sent him a birthday card, a Christmas card, or anything to let him know that she cares that he exists. Why should I even bother worrying him with this? Would it be wrong for me to just not tell him? I am almost certain that he will not want to go see her but he has such a big heart he may just want to grant her this one wish. I am so torn as to what to do. This parenting stuff just gets harder and harder!

Lemonade Award

2009-01-28T15:08:00.004-06:00

Woot! Woot! I got an award today from www.everydaymamadrama.blogspot.com. I'm so honored! Thanks Amy!

Here are the rules:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or grattitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received the award.

So, here's a few blogs that I like to read and am therefore nominating for this cool award.

www.fertilemertile.com
www.sunraysnsaturdays.com
www.kellyslifewith3boys.blogspot.com
www.sweetdaisy.blogspot.com
www.canapesun.blogspot.com
www.jcmama.blogspot.com
www.makingaperson.blogspot.com
www.pssstkeepasecret.blogspot.com
www.amy-and-chris.blogspot.com
www.feelslikehappiness.blogspot.com

Will I make it?

2009-01-26T22:33:00.002-06:00

I'm not 100% sure that I will make it to 40 weeks. The heartburn and indigestion just may kill me first. Tums, Rolaids, Mylanta, even Half & Half. Nothing seems to help. Tonight it is so bad that I am literally in pain. I'm so sleepy but can't sleep. Not to mention that I am so bloated that I feel like I am about to bust. Grrrr! Okay, enough complaining, I said I wasn't going to do that anymore. Oooops!

On a better note, I have decided that this baby's nickname is Thumper. She/he is constantly thumping on me. Not that I'm complaining because I love to feel the baby moving. The kicking and moving is the best part of being pregnant. I missed that feeling so badly after I had Sister. I remember seeing pregnant women and being jealous of their bellies. Yeah, I know, I'm nutso. Having Sister so early taught me a lot. I won't take one second of this pregnancy for granted.

Teamwork Baby

2009-01-24T21:41:00.002-06:00

Today was the second weekend of our basketball season. I only have 5 boys on my team so their health is very important. Our schedule had us playing out of town today and playing two games back to back. I must admit that I was a little worried about the boys and their stamina. That's two full hours of running up and down the court and I wasn't sure that they were quite ready for that. Not to mention the first team that we were scheduled to play was a really tough team, the only team that we had never beaten before. We've been playing for 6 years now and this team is tough. The have a good coach and they are well disciplined boys. Year before last we got within 4 points of them but still no defeat.

Our first game was at 1:00 p.m. My boys were pumped up and ready to play. Then they saw the other team. All of those boys were bigger, stronger, and a little intimidating. I told my guys to just play their game and do their best, that's all that we could do. The first quarter, my boys played exceptional defense, only allowing 2 points. We were having a little trouble getting in the lane because it was the first time that we were up against zone defense. By the second quarter we made the adjustments that we needed to make and we got on the board. By halftime we were down 10-4. Not too bad, but getting a little scary.

We came back in the third quarter and held them to no points while we scored 10. I have never seen my boys play such disciplined basketball. They were playing like a TEAM. No one was hogging the ball and no one was trying to shine. All five of them were shining! By the start of the fourth quarter the coach of the other team was so upset that he grabbed the ball and threw it to the floor making it bounce almost up to the rafters. My boys went on to finish the game 22-12. I have never been more proud of five boys in my life. They played GREAT basketball and I believe that at that point, they could have taken on the world.

Those five boys only had a five minute break before their next ballgame. They were so pumped that they didn't even look winded. They were on top of the world. We went on to win the second game 19-5, beating another rivalry. I must admit, I am not the most liked coach out there. I am the only woman in our league that coaches and those men can't stand to be beaten by my team. To get out coached by a woman, it's the end of the world. Yep, I get a thrill out of it. But today, I wasn't as concerned about beating the men as I was thrilled with my boys for their spectacular display of teamwork and good sportsmanship. It takes a team to win and WIN we did! WAY TO GO BOYS!

Sleep child sleep

2009-01-23T09:01:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was an absolutely beautiful day! It was sunny and 75 degrees. Just a beautiful day for outside play. Sister and I jumped on the trampoline, played on the swing, rode the tricycle, and all sorts of things outside. Then we had to go pick Bubba up from school. Once we got back home we all three played outside for a couple more hours. Little girl played HARD and had so much fun outside in the beautiful sunshine. We were so busy playing that we missed our nap.

Later that evening she took a little power nap of about 20 minutes while we were waiting on Daddy to get home. She helped me cook, she helped with the laundry, she helped Daddy unload firewood out of the truck. She had a really busy day! I was certain that after we had eaten dinner and taken our shower that she would pass out for the night. WRONG!

Little Miss Priss was up running around and playing until 1:00 a.m. I finally got so tired that she and I just went and got into the bed with daddy and she played in the bed until she finally went to sleep somewhere around 1:30 a.m. This pregnant momma has to get up a couple of times a night to potty. Then when the alarm went off at 6:00 a.m. I couldn't hardly drag myself out of bed. I know I know I know that I have a new baby coming but jeepers creepers I need my sleep NOW.

I thought for sure once we took Bubba to school this morning that we could come home and take a nap. Ummm, NO! She's running around playing like she's had a full night's sleep while I'm dragging my butt this morning. Please, please, please, let this dear child sleep tonight. I NEED sleep! Sleep is a GOOD thing!

Time to put myself in check

2009-01-20T14:33:00.002-06:00

Watching the local news last night really got me to thinking. There is so much sadness in the world and so many people that are much worse off than me. The world we live in, it's not always so nice. People, they can be so cruel and heartless. I have so much to be thankful for. Sure, there are things that I want, and sometimes even things that I need, but my needs, far fewer than so many others out there. I have taken pride in the fact that I am an optimistic person. I like to see the positive in things. I hate negativism, to me it's such a cop out.

Lately, I think I have been too negative and I don't like that. I don't want to become one of those people that pops onto a message board to complain about their life and get sympathy and be gone. To make a FB update about how awful my life is and wait for the responses. God has been good to me and blessed me so abundantly. My children are healthy, my husband and I are healthy, we have a roof over our heads and food to eat. We have so much more than so many others. It becomes easy to complain. We get wrapped up in our own selfishness and forget what is right in front of us, the goodness that is in our lives. I'm really going to start working on that. I am going to start being more thankful for what I have and complain less about what I don't.

Situations and circumstances can't always be helped. We have to deal with what we've got often times. Other times, we have the ability to get ourselves out of those situations and circumstances and move on, to take control and change things. I vow not to complain but to do something, change things. Be thankful that my situation isn't as bad as it could be. It's okay to see the negative but while I'm looking at the negative, also look at the positive and know what is in front of me. Know that God has given me the strength and ability to handle whatever it is that comes my way. So today, I am starting with a new attitude. I'm going to be more thankful and complain less, wanna join me?

I don't know if I'll ever be over it

2009-01-16T22:45:00.002-06:00

Everytime I think I am over it, something happens to bring back it all back. Recently there have been several of my old classmates posting pictures and stuff on FB. Old pics for high school, junior high, and even a few from elementary. Pics from school dances, junior/senior prom, graduation celebration photos, just memories from our teenage years. The problem, I don't have any of those memories. I was never allowed to go to prom, school dances, or project graduation. I wasn't allowed to spend the night with a friend or have a friend over for the weekend. Hell I wasn't even allowed to have a friend call me and God forbid that I ran into someone I knew from school at the grocery store or something. I would have to hang my head like I didn't see them and pray that they didn't speak to me.

I didn't realize until later exatly how much I missed out on. I never got to be a teenager. I wasn't allowed to do the things that normal teenagers done. No going out on dates, no hanging out at the mall with my friends, no movies or sleep-overs. I was too busy cooking and cleaning. Too busy being beaten and molested.

The night I graduated turned out to be one of the worst nights of my life. A memory I wish I could forget. I waited so long for that day for it to be ruined by my father. I woke up that morning about 4:00 a.m. with strep throat. I spent several hours in the ER that morning and then most of the day in bed sick. I also turned 18 that day. My 18th birthday, it was supposed to be so special right? Wrong! At 7:00 that night I went to graduation. I was very sick but determined to walk across that stage. After we had all walked across the stage and gotten our blank peices of paper, my mom came to me and told me that my daddy (the man that raised me and is still my daddy to this day) was looking for me. My father was standing there and he got that look, I knew that I was in trouble. I went with my mom and found my daddy. He hugged me and told me how proud he was of me and gave me a card with some money in it. I told him and my mom bye as I walked back towards my father. No celebrating with friends, I guess I was really too sick to anyway. I knew it was going to be bad but I didn't know how bad.

He yelled at me all the way home. Words I will never forget. I was so scared and so sick that I could barely keep my head up. When we walked into the house, he threw me to the floor. He cussed me and told me how awful I was. He ripped my clothes and then held a knife to my throat. It seems like that night lasted forever. Happy freaking 18th birthday and Happy graduation night! Yeah, those are the memories that I have.

No one I went to school with knows/knew what was happening to me. So many times I was asked to go places and do things and I always had an excuse. Seeing all of the old photos and the good times that they were having really makes me sad. My teenage years, the ones that everyone remembers as the good times, I wish I couldn't remember because those were the worst times of my life.

Every time I think I am over it. Every time I think I have forgiven him and moved on. Something else happens to bring it back up again. Will I ever be able to get over it? Will it haunt me for the rest of my life? Maybe, maybe not, I dont' know. There is one thing I do know though, my children, they will be teenagers and they WILL have good memories and that's a fact!

I think I have gotten my point across

2009-01-15T23:33:00.002-06:00

I haven't seen mil since Saturday at Bubba's basketball game and I've only spoken to her about twice on the phone this week. Normally, she calls 5-6 times a day. I've really enjoyed not having to listen to her all week. She really is a good person and she means well and all but she is like a cancer for me. I don't think I have ever talked to her without her talking bad about somebody. I'm sure she has always done it but it didn't affect me until after I had Sister. When she talked about me behind my back and I found out about it, it all came to me. She talks about everyone else so why wouldn't she talk about me?

She is constantly talking about Hubs nephew and his wife. They had their first son 4 years ago and from the time that child was born she talked about them. They didn't do this right and they didn't do that right. Their parenting skills weren't what she was used to so therefore it wasn't right. She talks about how terrible her house looks and how dirty it is. The laundry is never done and there is mold growing on things in the fridge. Now that they have their second son and she's still breastfeeding him at 11 months it's just the worst thing in the world. They let the kids nap late at night and then they stay up too late and therefore sleep too late. Who cares???? It's their kids and they are raising them the way they want to raise them. No one is getting hurt so leave them alone!

I get so sick and tired of listening to her talk about other people. She is one of those people that if it isn't done her way then it is the wrong way. I have listened to her talk about other people so much that I KNOW she has to be talking about me behind my back too. Why wouldn't she? She's done it once and got caught so I know she's doing it again. That is why I have chosen to put a distance between us. The less she knows about me the less she can talk about me.

She and sil are leaving tomorrow and will be gone for a few days. I know that it is killing her that she didn't get to see Sister before she leaves. They are going to the other sil's house 9 hours away. I am sure once they get there I will be topic of conversation. I sometimes feel bad because we used to have a really great relationship but once she talked bad about me and hurt me like that, I just can't get past it. It isn't like I am holding a grudge, I just want to keep her at a distance so that she doesn't have much to talk about. I'm not going to give her ammunition in other words. Stay out of my house so you can't tell people that I don't keep as clean of a house as you do and stay away from me so that I don't do something that you disapprove of.

It's that time again

2009-01-13T23:04:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year again. Time to get all of our receipts and stuff together to take to the accountant. 2008 wasn't such a great year for us. We paid the bills and all but didn't have much extra after that. Gas prices hurt us pretty bad and this stinking economy...well you already know how evil it can be. We just paid the I.R.S. over $700 for that stupid audit that took forever so it feels like we just got done with all of this stuff. Now here we go again. Maybe, just maybe we'll get a little something back. I sure hope so!

Bubba had a rather odd request today. He wanted to know if we had a lock and chain that he could borrow for a few days. He says that they are doing a project in class and he needs it for his project. Ok, what kind of project calls for a lock and chain? They have to bring an object or a picture of an object to class and then write a poem about the object. Then the poem is going to be submitted into a contest of some sort. He assured me that this poem would NOT be about blood and gore, lol. He said he wants to write about something to do with your soul being bound by locks and chains. He didn't really want to let me in on what he had planned so I left him alone about it. He has a great imagination and I can't wait to see what he comes up with. He seems to really enjoy writing so I want to encourage it as much as possible.

Where's the motivation when you need it?

2009-01-12T12:23:00.002-06:00

There's laundry piled up in the laundry room, dishes in the sink, and floors to be done. I walk by, look at the mess, and just keep walking. All the time thinking, I'll get to it in a minute. Sister has toys scattered from here to Kalamazoo. There is so much that I could be doing, yet I sit on this darn computer.
I have to meet Hubs this afternoon so that we can close on the house. This new interest rate is going to save us a bundle. We never should have agreed to a loan at 14.99% interest to begin with but at the time we were desperate. We HAD to get out of that other house. We needed the space so badly. This new interest rate of 6% is much more reasonable. We actually cut the length of the loan in half and will still be paying the same monthly amount. That's just so awesome!

Bubba has to go talk to the counselor at school today. It's over that poem that he wrote. He and I talked about it and I told him how very talented he was but he couldn't write stuff like that at school anymore. I deep down believe that he was just being a boy and he really was trying to just make an interesting poem and get a good grade. He said that anyone can write "Roses are red, violets are blue." He's right, I must admit. I don't know what all the counselor will say to him or what questions she will ask, I just told him to be honest and be himself. As long as he does that, he has nothing to worry about. I sent his teacher an email this morning and let her know that I talked to him about the poem and that all is well on our end. She's a really nice teacher and I'm glad that she's looking out for him. She told me when I talked to her the other day that the poem was probably nothing and she realized how dramatic that Bubba could be. She just wanted to be sure and would feel badly if there was something there that she missed. I can understand that and I appreciate it. We need more teachers that actually care about the kids.

We lost our first basketball game Saturday. I only have 5 boys so they have to play the entire game without a break. It's gonna be tough on them but it should surely get them into shape. The final score was 23-25 but I was VERY proud of them. The team we were playing had two boys that stood at least a head taller than all of my boys. My boys couldn't even jump to reach them when they went for the rebound. I have told these boys since we started playing when they were 5 yrs old that free throws win games and free throws lose games. Well we made 6 free throws Saturday, but we also missed 6. You do the math! I'm still proud of them and I'm ready for the next game.

Six Weeks

2009-01-09T16:53:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow starts our six week season of basketball. This will be the last season of anything that I coach Bubba. It really makes me sad! I have coached him since he was 4 yrs. old. I've fought against all odds and won. I've been the only female coach bucking up against all of those men. Some of the men I coached with and against were great, others, well they thought that women belonged in the stands. I think part of it was that they couldn't take it that I knew more about the sport than they did. I'm not as savvy at basketball as I am with baseball but I still make it a point to know my stuff.

I started playing baseball when I was 4 yrs old. I was the only girl on a team full of boys. When I was eight, the town that I lived in had softball for girls for the first time so I played girls fastpitch softball that year. Then we moved to another town and they only had baseball so it was back to the boys again for a few years. I didn't mind being the only girl on the team, it was kinda cool. I pitched and played shortstop for an all boy team, how cool is that? I have played ball all of my life. It was my dream to play in college and then go on to the Olympics. My father saw to it that my dream didn't come true but my love for the game never changed.

Basketball was a fun sport and I enjoyed playing it in Junior High and High School but I didn't have a passion for it like I did baseball/softball. I've enjoyed coaching it and I'm gonna miss it. Of course, Sister will play in a few years and I will get to coach her too, hehe. I'm just sad that I won't be coaching Bubba anymore after this 6 week season is over.

Something else is happening in six weeks. I get to find out the sex of this baby!!!! I can't wait! I don't really care what sex the baby is, part of me wants a boy and part of me wants a girl, as long as the baby is healthy, that's all that matters. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going!

Our First Seine of the New Year

2009-01-06T16:46:00.004-06:00

We haven't seined fish in over a month. It gets a little slow around the holidays. I don't mind because I need the break. Tomorrow, we have our first seine of the new year. I must admit that I am not looking forward to it. I know it has to be done and that it is money in our pocket but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. Hubs just doesn't understand why I complain about it so much. Well, let's see, my idea of fun is NOT slipping into my waders, getting into the ice cold water, and loading up a bunch of flipping, flopping, and splashing catfish. It is not on my list of things that I enjoy doing. He gets a little annoyed with my complaining so I really try not to complain but he can hear the tone in my voice when we talk about it and that makes him angry. I have asked him many times, "How many other women would get out here and do what I do?" His response is always the same, "I don't know of any!" Well then shut up and let me complain, lol.

It really isn't THAT hard of work. I can handle it. I just don't like it. Plain and simple. Just to give you an idea of what "Seining" actually is......here ya go.

The day before we "seine" we put the seine out into the pond. We have a 650ft seine that is on a big huge seine reel. We use the tractor and the hydraulics on one side and then the truck and a pulley on the other. We stretch the seine out across the width of the pond. It takes us about 30 minutes to get everything done.

The day of the seine: Hubs drives the tractor and I drive the truck. He hooks up to the seine on one side of the pond and I on the other. We take turns pulling the seine down the length of the pond. It takes us about 45 minutes to do this. We have to drive very very slow so that they seine drags the bottom of the pond. As long as nothing goes wrong, no ropes break or anything, this part goes rather smoothly. It's just a little boring, lol.

Once Hubs gets his part of the seine to the end he stops and waits on me. I have to then drag my part of the seine around the corner of the pond and across the other side until I meet with him. We then hook both ends of the seine back onto the reel.

This is where it gets "fun." I go park the truck and go get my waders on. Hubs hooks up all of the ropes and makes sure everything is secure. He backs the seine reel down into the pond while I block the tires with blocks. We both get into the water and start reeling the seine in. It takes us about 30 minutes to reel the seine in. Once we have the seine reeled in to where we want it we have to take metal stakes and stake the lead line down so that the fish can't get out.

We get the scales hooked up on the tripod and get the truck with the tank backed up into the loading area. By this time I am usually ready to get the party over with. We take a two man dip net and dip the fish out of the pond. We usually load up about 75-85 lbs at a time. During the summer when we catch more fish we will load up to 140 lbs at a time. We dip the fish, weigh them, and then I have to climb onto the back of the truck and hold the net up for Hubs to dump them into the tank. It's a really nasty job. Those stinking fish splash and jump everywhere. Catfish have a really thick slime on them that feels like snot so when you pick them up it gets all stuck in between your fingers and such. It usually only takes us about 15 minutes to load the fish unless we have a really big order. But, during that 15 minutes I get so dirty and nasty that it is unreal. Mud in my hair, fish slime all over my hands and arms. Not to mention the water is freaking COLD.

So, tomorrow, I will be having "FUN!" I'm so excited about it, can't you tell? Anyone wanna come take my place?

I Did It :)

2009-01-02T22:46:00.004-06:00

New Year's Eve night my dear sweet mil called. She wanted to know what we were doing and how "her" baby was doing. I told her that we were outside by the fire, popping fireworks and having a good time. A few minutes later she called back and tried to invite herself and several others over to my house. I handed the phone to Hubs and let him talk to her. He told her that we were about done and that there was no need in them coming over. Whewwww! I was so glad! I know it sounds horrible but I didn't want to ring in the New Year with my mil. New Year's Eve, taken care of.

New Years Day, mil calls again. "What are y'all doing?" I explained to her that we were just hanging out. The boys were outside setting up the new basketball goal and Sister and I were getting ready to start our cooking. "Oh no, there's no need in cooking, I've got plenty to eat over here. The kitchen will be open all day, y'all just come when you get ready." I told her that I would have to talk to Hubs and see what he said but more than likely we would be staying home. Thank God, Hubs agreed. We were going to stay home and just enjoy time with our kids. New Years Day, taken care of.

Today, we made it until almost 1:00 p.m. before she called. "I didn't want anything, just wanted to see what y'all were doing and how MY baby girl was doing, oh and my baby boy too. I thought I'd run by over there for a few minutes and see them and get some sugar off of um'. I've gotta see how baby girl likes her new chair!" I know I had a smile on my face when I told her that we weren't at home and I so badly wanted to tell her that Sister hasn't sat in that damn chair once since we brought it home, but I didn't. Sorry mil but we are in town running some errands and won't be home for awhile. I'd really love to chat but we just pulled into the Cotton Patch and we are ready to go in and eat. I could hear the disappointment in her voice and for a second, only a second, I kinda felt bad. She really does mean well but she's seriously gotta back off!

I've made it THREE days without my mil!!!! I started the year off without my mil!!!! I haven't had to bathe my child during the middle of the day because she smells like an old lady!!!!!! I haven't had to listen to someone tell me what they would do if they were me!!!! I'm LOVING it!!!! I know I am probably jinxing myself and she will show up tomorrow but I STARTED THE NEW YEAR OFF WITHOUT HAVING TO SEE HER AND I AM HAPPY!!!!!!!!

It's been 2 years

2008-12-28T22:50:00.002-06:00

Exactly two years ago, I was a member of BBC. I was pregnant with Sister and had joined, not knowing what was in store for me next. Things got pretty heated on that board from time to time and people would get very ugly. Then one day, this really cool chick with gorgeous kiddos, posted a link to a new board. So, being the nosey butt that I am, I went and joined. As it turned out, 20 other July moms joined the board too. There were a total of 22 of us July moms that had once been on BBC and a handful of other moms that were all already friends.

I had no idea what was in store for me when I joined that board. There was no way of knowing that I would make lasting friendships and really come to love some of the ladies I would meet there. We shared a lot over the first year. We laughed together, we cried together, we shared pregnancy photos and personal information. Things I never thought I would do over the internet. It was really amazing! I guess I was a little blind and a bit naive though. One day, it all blew up!

A couple of members had a disagreement behind closed doors and before you know it, the board was split. One side of the argument chose to remain quiet and not speak of the "fight" while the other duo chose to go behind backs and start a new board. They emailed all of the ladies they wanted to join them, they told lies and stories of the "fight" and pretty much "stole" most of the July mommy's from the first board. It was really sad! A lot of people got hurt then and some are still trying to recover. I still don't understand exactly why the "fight" took place and I sure as heck don't understand why it escalated to the extent that it did. The truth is, it's really sad that so many ladies shared so much with each other only to end up hating each other in the end. Truth be told, it's all about control, and that, that is very sad.

I think the people that I feel the sorriest for are those that chose to listen to one side of the story and believe what they were told, rather than learn both sides of the story and deal with the truth. I will admit, it took me awhile before I learned both sides and formed my own opinion of the "truth." Once I did though, I felt so much better about everything. I never want to be a follower of hearsay. I like to think that I can form my own opinion and most of the time it works out just right.

Through it all, I have learned valuable lessons. I have made wonderful friends and lasting memories. I am lucky to have shared my life with such wonderful ladies. I remain friends with those that I choose and for the rest, well, I wish them the best. Now, I get to share another miracle baby with a wonderful group of ladies, some who were around for the last pregnancy and some whom I have became friends with since. I'm looking forward to this journey!

100 Things

2008-12-19T23:53:00.004-06:00

Well here it is, my 100th post! I guess that means I need to post 100 things. This could take awhile, but here goes:

1. Me and both of my children are Gemini's.
2. It is possible that my third child will also be a Gemini.
3. I am a Dr. Pepper addict.
4. I really miss my mom a lot during the holidays.
5. Mom and I didn't always have the best relationship but she was my best friend when she died.
6. I still talk to my mom like she can hear me, kinda like when I talk to God.
7. Hubs and I met at the mall.
8. My first husband and I met in a bar.
9. I talk too much.
10. I have 4 brothers and two sisters, all of which are half siblings.
11. I didn't meet my oldest little brother until 2003.
12. My biological father molested me for over 4 years.
13. My pastor also molested me after I confided in him about my father.
14. For many years I was a very bitter person towards God.
15. I used to be a Pentecostal.
16. Even though I don't live it, I still believe many of the Pentecostal beliefs.
17. Meeting my biological father was the worst mistake I ever made in my life.
18. I really wish I had listened to my mom and stayed away from him.
19. Part of me still wants to talk to him.
20. Another part of me is creaped out by the sound of his voice.
21. My greatest fear is that one of my kids will die before I do.
22. My second greatest fear is that I will die before I get my kids raised.
23. My favorite colors are navy and orange.
24. My lucky # is 13.
25. Winning is important to me.
26. I had the same boyfriend all 4 years of high school.
27. I often wonder about him and how he's doing.
28. I never got to attend a high school prom.
29. Never attended a high school dance either.
30. I hated the color pink until I had Sister, now I love it.
31. I am scared to death that this baby will be born preemie too.
32. My 5th grade boyfriend turned out to be gay.
33. I drive a 4 door truck.
34. My self esteem has always been extremely low.
35. I tend to come across as arrogant when the truth is, I am very self conscious.
36. Clogging used to be a hobby of mine.
37. I was a member of the East Texas Cloggers for years.
38. I used to play the coronet.
39. I want to teach elementary school once my kids are all in school themselves.
40. I hate cats.
41. Snakes petrify me.
42. My kids give me hope.
43. My bff has become a rich snob.
44. I wear a size 9 shoe.
45. One boob is bigger than the other.
46. My husband is an alcoholic.
47. I'm scared of dying.
48. I'm scared to death of getting cancer.
49. I used to love Michael Jackson and Prince when I was a kid.
50. I thought George Michael was the sexiest man alive.
51. I used to skate so fast that I had to skate backwards during the races.
52. The skating rink was my favorite hang out during 6th and 7th grade.
53. When I was a kid I dipped snuff.
54. A girl hit on me once because she thought I was a boy.
55. I got my first ticket driving to driver's ed.
56. I burp like a man.
57. I don't get along with either of my little sisters.
58. I am the oldest of all my siblings.
59. I am 13 years older than my youngest brother.
60. My eyes are hazel.
61. I stole chalk from the grocery store when I was 4 and my nanny made me take it back.
62. The manager threatened to put me in jail and it scared me to death.
63. I super glued my 9th grade English teacher to her chair.
64. My first job was an otc clerk at Eckerd Drug.
65. I worked for Eckerd's for 5 years.
66. I am a certified Pharmacy Technician.
67. I've never had a one night stand.
68. I started smoking when I was 12.
69. I used to go to the bar looking for a fight.
70. Someday I'd like to learn to knit.
71. I used to go to Colorado on vacation every year.
72. Cleaning house is not my thing.
73. Dusting doesn't happen often enough at my house.
74. I don't want to be rich but I'd like to be comfortable.
75. I have more online friends than I do irl friends.
76. Teenagers scare me.
77. I want to be a better mom and a better wife.
78. I love watermelon.
79. I'm too loud most of the time.
80. I didn't willingly have sex with a guy until the week before I turned 21.
81. The older I get the curlier my hair gets.
82. Being a mom is the greatest gift I've ever received.
83. I didn't go to my high school reunion because I was too ashamed of the way I looked.
84. Having another c-section scares me.
85. Natural birth is the way I hope to go this time.
86. Forgiving is hard for me.
87. Loving is even harder.
88. I hug my hubby and kids but hugging adults comes extremely hard for me.
89. My children are my world.
90. I love to read but rarely have time for it.
91. Baseball is my favorite sport.
92. I'd love to be a high school softball coach when I grow up.
93. I graduated in the top half of my class.
94. There were 463 students in my graduating class.
95. I love turnip greens and cornbread.
96. I miss my sister even though we don't get along.
97. I pray to one day have a reunion with all of my living siblings.
98. I don't attend church regular because I am scared of getting hurt.
99. People think I'm a lot tougher than I really am.
100. I am so glad to finally get this done with!!!!

Christmas Is In The Air

2008-12-17T23:02:00.002-06:00

A couple of weeks ago Bubba and I were out shopping. He saw me looking at some scarves and puting a few in my cart. I could see that he was in deep thought but I didn't say anything to him, and then, he quietly says, "Mom, can I buy a couple of those too?" I said of course, who would you like to buy them for? He wanted one for a "girlfriend" in Pennsylvania, one for a "girl" friend in his class, and then one for a girl that wasn't allowed to receive gifts.

He really likes this little girl at school. She's a super cute kid and always so polite and nice when I see her. She's a Jehovah's Witness and their religion doesn't celebrate holidays of any kind. No birthdays, no Thanksgiving or Christmas, nothing. So he was trying to figure out how he could buy Courtney a gift without it actually being a gift. He's a really sweet boy!

Courtney isn't allowed to come to school on days that they have school parties or any type of festivities so he knew that she wouldn't be attending school this Friday. They won't really be having a party but they are going to be watching Christmas movies and having refreshments. I really don't understand her religion but it kind of makes me feel sorry for her.

So anyway, Bubba decided that he would give her the scarf on the day of their field trip, which is tomorrow. The kids that participated in UIL competition are exempt from final exams so they get to go to the park and then to eat pizza. He said that he would put the scarf in his back pack and give it to her when they got to the park. It is supposed to be a windy, chilly day and he thinks that he can give it to her to keep her warm and pass it off as not actually being a "gift." I really hope that she accepts it. If she doesn't, or isn't allowed to, it is really going to break his heart.

I'm really proud of my boy! He has a big heart and thinks of others. That makes me really happy. It also bothers me to an extent. He really wants to please others and I worry that it may get him in trouble some day. I just have to pray that he doesn't let peer pressure get to him and that he does what he knows is right. I'm an over protective momma and I don't want my boy to get hurt!

Well Check???

2008-12-08T22:27:00.003-06:00

So we go to the Dr. for our 18 month baby well check and leave with strep throat and a double ear infection? Why do they have toys and books in those Dr.'s offices? I tried really hard to keep her away from the toys, the magazines, the books, I just couldn't do it. She's a busy body and she touched stuff before I could get it out of her reach. I know I looked like the germaphobe mom but I knew that there were germs in that office and I didn't want her to get sick. She's been a very very healthy baby thus far. From now on I will carry a travel Lysol in my pocket and spray everything down. Seriously, I'm not joking one bit. This poor baby is S-I-C-K!!!! She can't swallow, she can't talk because her little throat hurts so bad. She coughs and she cries because it hurts so bad. Her ears hurt and her fever just won't stay down. I hate this!!! This is the first time that she has been really sick and I hope it is the last time for a very very long time.
Stupid Dr.'s office!!! I lay beside her and cry while she tosses and turns and whines because she feels bad and can't get comfortable. Why can't it be me instead of her? Poor baby!

Here we go again

2008-12-04T22:34:00.002-06:00

It's time for basketball season again. Bubba is so excited! He has been ready for months. We've got a really good group of boys this year and we should do well. I am looking forward to the season starting but will be very sad to see it end. I am pretty certain that it will be the last time that I ever get to coach Bubba. I have coached him every season of baseball and basketball since he started at 4 yrs. old. I have already told him that baseball is out of the question in the spring. I coached while I was preggo with Sister but there is just no way that I can do it this time around. Chasing a toddler, being preggo and coaching 11 yr old boys, NAH!
Basketball season is only 6 weeks and I am going to do my best to make it memorable for Bubba and I. My coaching shoes will stay on the shelf for awhile but you can bet your bottom dollar that they will come out again when Sister is ready to play. I'm not really sure how to be a parent during a ballgame. It will be a new experience for me. Bubba has played on a tournament team or two and I haven't coached those tournament teams but that's kinda different. I've always coached his league teams and it will be strange sitting in the stands and not having any control over what goes on in the field or on the court.

Control is my problem. I admit it, I like being in control of things. I don't adapt well to change and I like to have the ball in my court so to speak. It's not just during a ball game but in all aspects of life. There was a time in my life where I had absolutely no control and now that I'm out of that situation and I have regained control of myself and my life, I like to keep it that way. As lame as it may sound, I have a hard time riding in someone elses vehicle. I like to be the one behind the wheel. I need that control. Gah, now that I actually type it out, I really need to work on that, lol. I'm a control freak!

It's finally over

2008-11-20T18:02:00.003-06:00

The papers are signed, sealed and in the mail. We have been dealing with this stupid I.R.S. audit for over 9 months now and it is FINALLY over. We ended up having to pay them $700 that we don't really have but it is almost worth it to finally get them off of our backs. Now hopefully we won't be audited again for, let's say, 100 years, lol.

It's hard work!

2008-11-18T22:36:00.002-06:00

I guess anyone with a uterus can become a mother but it takes patience and hard work to be a mommy. This raising kids stuff is hard work.
I could be one of those moms that just goes with the flow. You know, just lets their kids do whatever, whenever, and put little effort into their lives. But it's not how I tick. I want the best for my kids. I want to teach them to be strong, compassionate, God fearing people. Just getting by isn't good enough. You can't just float through life in this world. You have to work and you have to work hard if you want to be somebody, if you want to have something to be proud of.

Bubba is going through some things right now and I'm trying really hard to handle it all the best way that I know how. He's not being bad or getting in trouble. It's nothing like that. He's really a great kid and I am very proud of him. He's in Junior High now and it's a big transition from Elementary School. Being the youngest in the class is hard on him. Deep down I know that I did the right thing by letting him advance the way he has but sometimes, I must admit, I question myself. Straight A's have always came easy for him. Very little effort and minimal studying has been his way. Junior High is a little tougher. Not to mention that he is in all Pre-AP classes. He still made the honor roll this go round and I am proud of that but should I be content with his minimal effort? His Language teacher is worried about him because he has learned to do the bare minimum and just get by. He's happy with a B as long as he doesn't have to work at it. It really frustrates me because I have taught him to do better than "just getting by." If an 85 was the very best that he could do, I'd be very proud of him. But if an 85 is what he gets by being lazy and not putting forth any effort, should I still be proud? I think not! I want him to strive to be the best at whatever he does. Is it wrong for a mom to want her kids to actually work hard and do better for themselves?

Maybe I'm just being too hard on him. I just want to be the best mom that I can be and when he is grown and starting a family of his own, I want him to KNOW that I did all that I could do to help him to be the best that he can be. Are you sure that there are no manuals that come with these kids when we get em?

It's really starting to sink in now

2008-11-11T14:03:00.002-06:00

We are going to have another baby! I never thought that I would be saying this. I admit, sometimes I thought that I wanted another one but then reality would strike and I would realize that we were done. Hubs was happy with two and I was content. We have a boy and a girl, how much more blessed could we be? Obviously God meant for us to have three. I was really in shock at first and it took a bit for it to sink in. Hubs, well he was in complete denial. How could this possibly have happened? We only went unprotected once! He's right, but obviously that's all it took. I never would have imagined it, but I am pregnant. We tried for years to have a baby and it just wasn't in the cards. The Dr. told me that my chances of conceiving were slim and none. Then there came Sister. She was our miracle baby! Now we are having another miracle baby! What are the odds? We are truly blessed!

Hubs is starting to finally come around. He wasn't so happy about it all at first but it is starting to sink in for him now. He came home yesterday and rubbed my belly and asked how his baby was doing. That made me feel so good! He's really a great daddy and he was so wonderful when I was preggo with Sister so I can only imagine he will be the same this time around.

It is a lot tougher being pregnant and trying to chase after a toddler. At least when I was preggo with Sister, Bubba was old enough to tend to himself and help me out if I needed it. Most of the time he was in school so if I wanted to nap, I could. If I wanted to lay around and do nothing, I could. Not this time around. Sister requires my full attention. She is such a busy body too. She keeps me really busy. I have a whole new respect for those of you that have been preggo while chasing around a toddler. It's hard work. I am so tired and sleepy but can't take a nap. Sister has some kind of built in radar that knows when I am exhausted because that is when she is going to be ripping and rearing to go. She's a mess! But a good mess, lol.

I'm It!

2008-10-30T13:51:00.002-05:00

I've been tagged by Harmony In Motion. I've gotta tell 7 things about me as a teenager. Here goes:

1. I got my first ticket while driving to drivers ed.

2. I dated the same guy all through high school.

3. I missed almost the entire season of Basketball in the 8Th grade because I was being stupid. I was showing off and walking on my hands. I fell just right and snapped my wrist.

4. 10Th grade through 12Th grade I never made a B. All A's all three years.

5. When I was in the 9Th grade I got 15 pops in one day because of my smart mouth. It started out as 3 for chewing gum in Choir. Old lady Springfield gave me the first three and I laughed at her and asked her if she could do any better. By the time it was all over, I had been given a total of 15 pops by a total of 4 different people. And yes, I deserved it because of my smart mouth.

6. In high school the journalism building was my favorite hang out. That is where we all went to smoke. We would hide out back and smoke like we were cool or something.

7. I earned a 4 year scholarship to Oklahoma State for playing softball. My father wouldn't let me go and it crushed my dreams. It was always my dream to play softball in college and try out for the Olympic team.

Now I've gotta tag somebody.
How about:

Fertile Mertile
Clear Epic
and
Andria and Co.

My dear Mother in Law

2008-10-29T10:52:00.005-05:00

I love you to the moon and back. I am very lucky to have a mil like you. You are a very kind and giving person and would do anything for me and my kids. Therefore, PLEASE stay at home every once in awhile. It really is not necessary for you to come and visit EVERY day. I am sure that there are plenty of chores that you could do around your house. Plenty of other people that you could go and visit. Give me a break! Please! Go visit someone else for awhile. You are really starting to wear on me. My patience is running thin. Isn't your plane scheduled to leave on the 14Th? Do you think that you could maybe get an earlier flight? Sister isn't going anywhere and you can see her when you get back. Spare my nerves woman!

Oh, and yes I know that Alex "sucks" on his momma. It's called breast feeding and it's a GOOD thing. What do you think God gave us those things for? To feed our babies. He's only 8 months old. I fed Sister until she was 13 months old and I didn't hear you complaining. It only makes me wonder what you were saying about me behind closed doors. Just because someone doesn't raise their child the way that you did doesn't mean that it isn't the right way. The only thing that I regret about nursing Sister is that I didn't do it longer.

Now please, while I still love you and adore you, GO VISIT SOMEONE ELSE!

Thanksgiving

2008-10-24T23:43:00.002-05:00

Can you believe that it is just around the corner? That means Christmas will be here before we know it. I'm not prepared. How is it that the older you get the quicker time flies? The elders always said things like that and I always thought that they were silly. They were 100% right. Time goes by so quickly.

We are going to Midland again this year for Thanksgiving. I must admit, I am a bit excited. I'm not looking forward to the 9 hour drive but I can't wait to get there. Bubba can't wait either. He's hoping for another snow day. He's only seen snow twice in his life and the first time he was really too young to remember. He had a great time last year with the snow ball fights and building the huge snowman. Sister is big enough this year to really enjoy it too. Last year we made the mistake of driving home during an awful blizzard. By the time we got to Abilene the snow was so thick we could barely see to drive. It took us almost 13 hours to get home. This time, if it does snow, we aren't leaving until the snow lets up.

Hubs' sister is a great hostess. She's been preparing for our arrival for months. She can't wait for us to get there. We will only be there a few days but she has so many things planned for us to do. Of course we will be doing the early bird shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We have gotta hit those crazy sales and get all of those cool freebies, lol. I love Black Friday! I'm sure it will be really exciting trying to take Sister shopping at 5:00 a.m. Bubba will go with the men and hunt quail. He's never been quail hunting so he's a little excited about it. I hope he has a good time.

The Truth

2008-10-21T11:58:00.005-05:00

I think it's time that the truth came out. That's one good thing about this wonderful country we live in, we have the freedom of speech. Now that I've been banned from YYM I don't have to worry about stepping on any one's toes anymore. I can tell it as I see it and you can do with it as you wish.

First I would like to start by saying that it has been a pleasure sharing my pregnancy, my family, my children, and my life with you all. We have shared a lot of memories over the last two years, many that I will never forget. Thank you for sharing your lives and families with me. It has been an honor.
That being said; I feel like I need to get some things off of my chest. I am sure that once I say what I have to say, some of you will no longer like me, and that's okay. I will truly miss you girls! You've meant a lot to me. I hope that you keep in touch. For those of you that care not to keep in touch, I wish you the best.

I would like to talk about my ban from YYM. I honestly feel like I was wrongfully banned. I truly feel that I did absolutely nothing wrong to warrant being banned. I opened up a simple discussion on NMD. Never did I mention any one's name nor did I mention that it involved anyone from YYM. The ONLY person that knew who or what I was talking about was JB and she felt the need to run and tell ML. If I had mentioned names or anything of that nature then I can see her concern, but I did not. My feelings were VERY hurt by it. I thought that JB could be trusted but now I have found out that she has been reporting back to ML all along. Trying to keep the pot stirring instead of letting it die. I was also very hurt by the fact that no one ever asked me what I posted or anything about it. ML just took it upon herself to suspend me without ever questioning me about it. Then once my 10 day suspension was up she went ahead and completely banned me before I got a chance to take up for myself. If I remember correctly, a few months back when ML asked if it was okay to let Kat come back to the board, she stated that she thought that Girl had unfairly banned her. She said that Girl was being controlling and not asking the opinion of the other board members. The biggest complaint about Girl was that she was a "control freak." Well, pot meet kettle! First J and now me.

I was not really around when the "split" took place at NMD. I was in the middle of moving and taking care of family business. When I got back, I was shocked that LA and ML had left. I did not know what took place and nothing was ever posted on NMD telling anyone what happened. It was a month later that ML sent me the link to YYM and it was not until then that I heard the story for the first time. Since then I have heard the other side of the story too. I asked! Girl was/still is very hurt by the fact that no one bothered to ask her what happened. Everyone just bailed on her and followed ML and LA. There are two sides to every story and everyone should be given their fair shot to defend themselves. Girl took the high road and did not post about the squabble nor did she ever mention it. She honestly thought that it was something that could be worked out.

Girl and C have been nothing but good to me, as have most of you. It is just a shame that grown women can't get along and act like mature adults. No one is going to agree with everyone all of the time. It just isn't going to happen. However, we as adults should have enough mutual respect for one another to work out our differences. You all know the conversations that took place in "Smack Talk" on YYM. I can honestly say that there was NEVER any such topics on NMD. As for the accused stalkings. A is a grown woman and does whatever she wants whenever she wants. No one can control her. Girl, C, nor anyone else asks her to do the things she does, she just does them, and to hold anyone other than A responsible is just plain wrong. The blowing up of the websites. Ask M who started that. I just feel like Girl and C have been wrongfully accused of things and it is completely unfair that they were not allowed to defend themselves. Why not ask them what happened? Have enough respect for them to give them a chance to defend themselves.

During the Birthday buddies gift swapping, I made a mistake. Sisters birthday buddy was E.C. I thought that it was E.G. I was out of town on vacation, dealing with my depression issues, and came home to several very ugly PM's from LA. I admit it, I screwed up and didn't get E.C.'s gift out in time but LA was very rude to me and left me several very ugly messages. It really hurt my feelings but I didn't say anything. I was told that I screwed up E.C.'s special day by not sending her gift on time. I assure you that it was not on purpose!

I would also like to mention the "secret board" that was supposedly on NMD. Girl set that so called "secret board" up for her CO friends that she was friends with IRL. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. They shared personal information there that they were not comfortable sharing publicly yet. As soon as ML found out about it she pouted and wanted to be a part of it. Girl finally just disbanded the "secret board." It wasn't what ML made it out to be to begin with. I could go on and on but I don't want to repeat hearsay. My point is, ML said a LOT of very hateful things about Girl and she was never given the chance to defend herself. I just want you to stop and think how she must feel. Her "friends" that she supplied a board for and was responsible for getting together, just up and left her without every asking questions. Wouldn't your feelings be hurt too?

I am not and never will be the type of person to follow the leader just because everyone else is. I believe what I believe and I have that right. Why can't we just agree to disagree and handle it like mature adults? It is completely obvious that ML has serious control issues. She wants to be the "cool" girl. Well, you are the "cool" girl now. Enjoy yourself!

The Fair Just Isn't His Thing

2008-10-12T22:22:00.003-05:00

Bubba has been begging all weekend to go to the fair. I'm cheap and didn't want to make two trips into town this weekend so I made him wait until today to take him. Besides, Sunday is cheap day and the lines aren't nearly as long.

As soon as we got there he took off for the Gee Whiz. It's a crazy ride that I would never get on in a million years cause I'm a wimp like that. He rode it three times in a row while Sister and I watched him. He rode several more rides before he took off for the Sliding Bobs. He waited it seems like forever. There was no line to get on the ride and he was one of the first to get on but the stupid idiots waited until the ride was full before they started it. Anyways, he rode while Sister and I walked around looking at all of the prizes and things. When Bubba got off of that ride he didn't look too happy. I asked him if it scared him and he said no, he was just mad that they made him wait so long. It was getting close to time for us to go so I told him he could ride 3-4 more rides and then we would have to go.

He saw the big Pirate Ship and headed that way. He had his hands in the air, waving and having a good time. At least I thought he was having a good time. As soon as he got off he started asking for something to drink. I said no, not yet, go ride a couple of more rides and we will get a drink on the way out. No mom, I'm done! I couldn't believe it. He was so excited about going and now he was ready to go before I had to drag him out??? He stopped and grabbed onto the fence, bent over and said that his stomach was hurting and he thought he was going to be sick. We waited a little while and he was feeling a little better so we headed for the truck.

Sister saw some stuffed animals and started pointing and jabbering so Bubba had to stop and win her a stuffed tiger. It was really sweet! We stopped and got a sprite on the way to the truck in hopes of settling Bubba's stomach. We barely made it to the truck when he got sick the first time. I loaded Sister up in the car seat, cranked the truck and turned on the A/C and Bubba still hasn't gotten into the truck. Poor kid was bent over beside the truck. Seven times he got sick before we finally got to leave. I felt really bad taking him to baseball practice after getting so sick but he said he was feeling better and he wanted to go.

The poor kid is like his mother. I'm a big wimp and won't even attempt those crazy rides. I KNOW I'll get sick. I gotta give him credit though, he gets on them. He said that he was really glad that he didn't go Friday night with all of his friends and get sick in front of everybody. I'm glad too. He may as well face it, the Fair, it just isn't his thing.

She's rotten!

2008-10-11T23:02:00.004-05:00

Hubs is wiring up a friends house. It's a huge two story on top of a mountain. The kids and I decided to go take him some lunch today and help him out a little. When we got there Hubs gave us a tour of the house. There are no walls or anything yet but you can tell that it is going to be a beautiful place. Well Sister decided that she wanted to go up the stairs. It is very dangerous and I wasn't about to let her climb those stairs because I knew if I ever let her do it once, she would keep on. She got brave and started up the first couple of stairs and I stopped her. I told her NO! NO! She just turned and looked at me and went as fast as she could up the stairs. I ran and grabbed her, sat her at the bottom of the stairs and explained to her that she would get hurt and not to get on the stairs again.

I broke her heart! She ran as fast as she could, covered her eyes with her little hands, and shoved her face into her daddy's legs. First she started with a little fake whimper but the more he loved on her the louder she cried. Once he loved on her a little, she was fine.

The minute she saw my head turned she started up the stairs again. Same routine, I tell her NO! NO! I pick her up and put her at the bottom of the stairs and go through the explanation of why she can't do that again. What do you know, off to her daddy she goes again. Only this time when she shoved her head into his legs and started her crying she pointed at mommy and started jabbering. That little toot was telling on me, lol. Of course daddy picked her up and loved on her and made everything all better. This continued about two more times before she finally quit trying to go up the stairs. It was really cute that she was running to her daddy and tattling on me but I explained to him that it really isn't a good thing. I can tell that there will be lots of tattling on mommy in the near future.

Drama

2008-10-10T20:31:00.002-05:00

I am so incredibly sick of the drama! It seems that some people must have it in order to function in life. Some, well they must have control and all of the attention. I don't understand people like that. What is it that makes people that way? Is it their insecurities? The need for the attention and drama gives them a rush or something? I don't know. I have given up trying to understand it. Then, there is the type that have to hurt others in order to make themselves feel good. What's up with that? Ever heard the saying, "Treat others as you would want to be treated?" No one lives by that anymore. Women, they tend to tear each other down instead of lift each other up, I just don't get it.

He's growing up.

2008-10-07T23:52:00.003-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I had MIL pick Bubba up from school. Once she dropped him off he said, "Mom, please don't let Granny come pick me up any more." He said that she really embarrassed him. She yelled out his name and motioned for him to come where she was at and then when he got in the car she hugged and kissed him. He's in Junior High now and he thinks he a "big boy" now, lol.

So this weekend I had to break down and buy Bubba jeans for school. I had put it off as long as I could. He is getting really picky now so we had to go online and look and he showed me what he wanted. I purchased him a few pair of jeans and had him try them on before I washed them. Remember, the boy is just 10. He tries the jeans on and says, "Oh yeah, I've got a pretty butt, these jeans rock!" What? Dude, you are 10. What do you mean you've got a pretty butt? You are wayyyyy too young to be worried about your "pretty butt."

He is really worried about his looks lately. His hair has to be just right, his clothes have to be just right. He is always asking me if this shirt looks good with these shorts, should I wear these shoes, etc. I know he has to grow up but NOT YET. Slow down little dude! Where is my little boy that will wear anything I buy for him? Where did the little boy go that was in love with Power Rangers and Spiderman?

I have been putting off having "The talk" with him but I know I have to do it soon. I just don't want to screw up. He is such a good boy and I hate that he is growing up so fast. Girls now days are so aggressive. It just makes me sick! When I was 10 I was still beating boys up, lol. Now they are chasing boys and calling them up on the phone. What ever happened to letting the boys do the chasing? Thank God Bubba doesn't have any girls after him just yet but I want to talk to him before it happens, ya know? I've really gotta do some research and pray about it before I talk to him because I don't have a clue what I'm doing and I really really don't want to mess up.

She has a crush on him

2008-10-05T23:03:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago I got a phone call. The lady on the other end of the phone introduced herself and said that she went to school with Hubs. I just handed him the phone and let him talk to her. She called to tell him that she was organizing a class reunion for his class. She gave him all of the details and said that she would be sending something in the mail. She also told him about a website that she had set up for the classmates to post pictures and profiles and such. We talked about it and agreed that we would go to the reunion. He went to a really small school and only had 34 in his graduating class. Really hard for me to understand because there were 463 in mine.

A week later he gets a letter in the mail with all of the details about the reunion. It had the website address included in the letter and asked that everyone register on the website. Hubs has nothing to do with the computer so I went online one night and registered him on the website. As I was looking at all of the old photos from when he was in school I noticed something. There were a lot of pics of my husband. There were more pics of my husband than any of the other men combined. As I was browsing I noticed that I already had a message. I figured it was an automated thing and just welcoming me (Danny) to the site. When I went and checked, I was wrong. It was her again. The same one that had called, set up the website, and sent the letter.

Oh, DP (hubs) I am so glad to see that you registered. I can't wait to see you again. Blah, blah, blah. She commented on how well he looked and how beautiful his kids were. (I had posted a family photo but she never mentioned his wife, lol) I didn't think a lot of it but it sounded kinda like a teenage crush. So I had to respond but didn't quite know how because she thought I was him. I just responded with a simple "Thank you! See ya there." I told Hubs about it the next morning and he got a kick out of it. I asked him if he had dated her back in high school or something and he said NO. NEVER. She had a huge crush on me but I never, ever went out with her or even so much as called her. She was not that pretty and not my type. Well, why does she have so many pictures of you? "She has pictures of me?" Yes, on her website. WHAT? I went to the site and showed him all of the pictures of him and his classmates. He couldn't believe how many pictures she had of him either.

The next day, Hubs called one of his other classmates. He lives here and they talk from time to time. He asked him if Marsha had called him about the reunion. Yep, she did. Did you get the letter/invitation in the mail? Nope! Did she tell you about the website she set up? Nope! Hmmm, kinda weird.

Tonight, just as we were having diner, the phone rang. It was her, again. She called to talk to Hubs again. To give him new details about the reunion. To just "catch up." Hubs called his friend again after he got off the phone with Marsha. Did you ever get your invitation to the reunion? Nope! Has she called you to tell you about blah, blah, and blah? Nope! He then starts laughing and tells Hubs that Marsha must have a crush on him. She has been divorced for about 6 yrs. and she is lonely, lol.

So, I think she has a crush on my Hubs. Maybe an old high school crush but still a crush. I am flattered but also amazed how some people can act. Go join EHarmony or something but leave my Hubs alone, lol.

Something new every day

2008-09-30T22:52:00.002-05:00

She is just bursting with personality. It is something new with her every day. Today she learned how to say "Aw man." I had to take her and MIL with me to a business meeting today. After the meeting we went out to eat. The girl couldn't eat for entertaining. The hostess made the mistake of sitting us near the entrance to the kitchen and that was all she wrote. Every time one of the waitresses or another customer walked by, she would throw her fork on the floor, yell "Aw man" and then throw her head back and laugh. We must have went through 6-8 forks today. The more attention they payed to her the more she cut up. It was kind of embarrassing but also very funny. Hubs says that she's gonna be a comedian, lol. She definitely likes to show off.
Having a little girl is so much fun, even more fun than I could have ever imagined. On one hand she is such a girly girl. She loves shoes, jewelry, dolls, and phones, all the things a little girl is supposed to like. On the other hand, she is a little tomboy too. The girl loves to be outside more than anything else. She loves to swing, play on the slide and she has to jump on the trampoline every day or her day is not complete.
Being a mom is so rewarding! We tried for years to have a baby and it just wasn't in God's plan. I didn't understand it and was often bitter about it. Now, I realize that it was His timing. I am really glad that my kids are spaced apart like they are. God knew what he was doing! I am so blessed! Out of all of the jobs in the world, I have the perfect one, being a mommy!

Friends. Really?

2008-09-28T22:53:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure where to begin. I really got my feelings hurt this weekend by someone I really thought was my friend. I'm not sure what a "friend" is anymore. It seems that you can't trust anyone. I'm not even sure what it is that she thought she would gain by doing what she did. And then, to make matters even worse, another so called friend took the word of the first so called friend and never once even attempted to ask my side of the story. Now, both of them, ashamed of themselves maybe, refuse to respond to me. Neither one of them offer up any type of explanation.
Obviously they were never really my friends to begin with. If I did something to offend them or if there is some reason that they had to dislike me, then shouldn't they at least have the respect to let me know about it? I know I would. I'm just that straight forward. I don't have to like you but I will respect you. Everyone should be grown up enough to at least show mutual respect, at least that's how I feel about it.
I'm not real sure what I am going to do at this point. First, I was really really mad, then I started feeling really hurt and betrayed, now I think the best thing to do is to pray about it and let God lead the way. I will continue to pray for my "friends" too.

Ike

2008-09-11T22:07:00.003-05:00

We had a really busy weekend planned and within a couple of hours today, everything changed. The homecoming football game was cancelled, school has been cancelled for tomorrow, Bubba's baseball tournament was cancelled, and Hubs fishing event was cancelled. It looks like we will be staying home this weekend and praying that our lights don't go out. My how plans can change so rapidly.

It was just a couple of weeks ago that Gustav threatened us. We narrowly missed the eye of Gustav and just got a little wind and rain. This time I don't think we are going to be so lucky. Ike is headed right for us. There are thousands of evacuees already here and many more on their way. First thing in the morning, they will shut down all southbound traffic and open up all lanes for northbound. The gas stations are already running out of gas and the grocery stores are half empty. It is getting a bit crazy. They said on our local news that all the hotels were full and that 2 of the 4 shelters are already full.

Hubs has to go into town to work tomorrow so I have made him a list of things to look for. The last time we had a hurricane hit us like this we were not really prepared to go 8 days without electricity. This time around, I want to make sure that we have everything we need. I hope we don't lose our electricity this time but just in case we do, I wanna be ready. You can never have too many candles or enough batteries.

Randomness

2008-08-23T22:45:00.003-05:00

The power source on my computer blew out AGAIN. I have no idea why the stupid thing keeps going out. I just had it replaced a couple of months ago and it cost me $80. This time, I will have to wait a few weeks before I can get it fixed. We just don't have the money to get it done right now. I am running this OLD Windows 95 computer and it won't let me do squat. It is about to drive me crazy. I can't even check my email on this stupid thing. I hate to see what my inbox is going to look like in a few weeks. Ugh!

The I.R.S. is still on our tail. I will be so glad when all of this is over. They sent us a letter a couple of weeks ago saying that we owed them $223.00. I don't understand all of the mumbo jumbo in the letter so I just sent it to the accountant and let him worry with it. Friday, another letter from the I.R.S. came. It says that we have $12,500.00 that we can't account for. I have no idea what any of that crap means. I guess I will be on the phone with the accountant first thing Monday morning. I know that we haven't done anything wrong and our accountant has been doing our taxes for years for I can't help but worry when the I.R.S. is involved. I will just be glad when it is all over.

Bubba starts school on Monday. I am not ready for him to go back. Sister is going to really miss him too. Every morning when he opens his bedroom door, she takes off running and yelling BUBBA! She loves him to death and he loves her just as much as she loves him. She isn 't going to know what to do without him here to read to her and play with her all day. He's starting the 6th grade, big Junior High boy now. It scares me that he will be in Junior High. I don't want his innocence tarnished. He has eight classes this year and it is the first time that he will have to do the class changes after every subject. We went and got his schedule and met with a few of his teachers the other night. He has five PAP classes. He's a little nervous but excited a little too. I'm just hoping for a good year.

I feel like "me" again!

2008-07-27T22:54:00.002-05:00

I have been on Celexa for a couple of weeks now and it is working wonderfully. I am feeling more and more like myself. Yippie! I was in a really bad place for a long time and I can't ever let myself go back there again. I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life but if that is what it takes to keep me out of that dark place then so be it. Whatever I have to do to be "me" again, that's what I'll do. I owe it to my kids to take care of myself. I can't take care of them if I don't take care of myself first.

The kids and I flew out to Midland for a week. We spent time with Hubs sister and BIL. They are GREAT people! I had talked to SIL about my depression and she was worried about me. They offered to fly me and the kids out there for a week in hopes that they could help lift my spirits. Between the stay with the in-laws and the meds, I'm feeling great. Bubba had a blast on the plane. He had never flown before so it was all new to him. He thought it was totally cool and can't wait to go back for Thanksgiving. We had a great time while we were there. They totally kept us entertained. We went swimming, played putt putt golf, went to a minor league baseball game, and went shopping for Bubba's school clothes. We really had a good time and it was so nice to not have to worry about anything. I missed Hubs like crazy and really wish that he could have gone with us but he had to stay home and work. He missed us like crazy too and was in a hurry for us to get home. I was really shocked when I got home. I was expected the house to be a wreck, with loads of laundry and dishes to clean. Boy was I wrong. He had done laundry, dishes, and even vacuumed the entire house. I was so pleased. He's really a good hubby and I am blessed to have him and his family. I get mad at them from time to time but he really has a GREAT family and they would do anything in the world for me and my kids. God has been good to me and I don't thank Him nearly enough.

Shew! It's good to be back!

Meds Work

2008-07-14T23:16:00.003-05:00

So I have been on the Lexapro almost 3 weeks now. About a week ago I started noticing a difference. I have felt better in the past few days than I have in months. Today was my follow up visit with the Dr. I told him how much better I felt and how I felt like I was finding myself again. He was happy for me and wrote me a prescription. He wants me to give it about 4 months and see where we are at that point. Sounds good to me! I left his office feeling great! I am feeling better and things are going well. I go to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled and the girl at the counter asks if I have insurance, um no. Are you sure you want this medicine, she asked? Um, yes! Well ma'am, it is $97.00. WHAT???? Are you kidding me??? I can't do $97.00 for 30 flippin pills. No ma'am, I guess I don't want to get the prescription.

I left the pharmacy and called the Doc's office. I explained to the nurse that I do NOT have insurance and that medicine is really expensive. Is there something else that I could try that is cheaper? Geeze Louise! Of course the Dr. had already left for the day and she would have to leave him a message to call me back in the morning. Ugh!

I can't afford $100 a month for medicine but I also can't afford not to take it. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Stupid head of mine, why can't it just fix itself and all be well? I am hoping that the Dr. will call back with good news in the morning. Maybe he can give me more samples or change the meds or something. If not, then I don't know what to do. I will totally feel guilty if I have to spend $100 on meds because my head isn't screwed on straight.

So I went to the Dr.

2008-07-01T23:32:00.002-05:00

When I made my last post, I was feeling pretty low. I had made a call to the Dr. and was waiting to hear from him. Well he called and of course, wanted to see me right away. I went in that afternoon and we talked a bit. He was sure that I was pretty depressed and had let it go on too long before asking for help. We talked about the Reglan and the possibility that it was the culprit that brought on this madness. He gave me some meds to try for a few weeks and sent me to the lab to have blood drawn. He wanted to check things out just to be sure. The blood tests all came back normal so nothing to worry about there.
I've been taking the meds for almost a week now and so far, no change. He said that it could take a couple of weeks before I begin to notice a difference. I am just impatient and I want a quick fix. I don't like feeling this way. I miss me, if that makes sense.
I spent most of the day today on the couch. I just couldn't make myself get up and do anything. Then, the more I laid around, the worse I felt. Whether I nap during the day or not, I feel like crap and then when it is time to go to bed, I can't sleep. I go to sleep and then I wake up and flip and flop for hours trying to go back to sleep. What I wouldn't give for a good nights rest.
I am trying really hard to help myself get better. I am too blessed to be depressed!

Depression. It's real!

2008-06-25T10:34:00.003-05:00

Commercials flood the t.v., adds in every magazine you pick up, friends have spoken of it. I am embarrassed to admit, I always just thought it was a cop out. I thought, get up off your butt and do something. I can understand being depressed after the loss of a loved one or a tramatic experience in your life but even then, I thought, get over it.

It wasn't until recently that I realized, depression is real. It is beyond our control. There doesn't have to be a tramatic experience to bring it on and you can't "just get over it."

I have been in a bad place for a couple of months now. Depression never crossed my mind because, well, I just didn't think it was real. I wake up every day, wishing that I could just lay back down. Tired and exhausted, nothing to motivate me. Things that I once loved, I no longer have interest in. Eating, it's too much effort. I have often times thought, dying would be better than feeling this way. I cry for no apparent reason, I pray and ask God what is wrong with me. When I go out in public, I put on my happy face, while inside, I'm screaming for help. I hate feeling this way and I don't know how much longer I can.

I have been taking medication for lactation for many months now. After telling a friend how I have been feeling, she suggested that I check the side effects of the medication. There it was, right on the side of the bottle, may cause severe depression and anxiety. If you experience these feelings, contact your Dr. immediately. Geeze, there it was in front of my face the whole time. Could this be it? Could I be depressed because of the medication I was taking in order to feed my baby? I have made a call to my Dr. and I am waiting for him to return my call. I am hoping for a quick fix but I am not going to bank on it. I am just ready to feel "normal" again. I want to be ME again. The way I am now, I can't be the mom, wife, or person that I want to be. I admit it, I need help!

I now know that depression is VERY real. You can't control it and it is not your fault. God has been good to me and I have so many things to be thankful for. At first, I thought, why do I have the right to be depressed? But then, some friends, they made me realize that I don't have control over this, the depression has control over me. I just want to be better and now, going through this, I will be MUCH more understanding.

Is there an end in sight?

2008-06-14T15:34:00.002-05:00

The grocery store, the baseball field, no matter where I go, it's at least a 25 mile trip one way. With gas at $4.00 a gallon and getting higher every day, our budget is all out of whack. It costs Hubs about $100 a week just to go to work. I know that we are not the only ones and that everyone is being hit hard by the gas prices but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
I keep thinking of those that don't make as much money as we do. The ones that were barely getting by before the gas prices spiked so badly. What will happen to this country if the gas prices keep going up? People can't afford to go to work. How strange does that sound?
They are trying to come up with cars that run on less gas, like the Hybrid. The problem is, the people that really need those types of cars, can't afford to buy them. Hybrids aren't cheap. How are the lower class people that can barely afford the hoopty they are driving going to purchase a better car? It just makes me sad to think about it.

How does your garden grow?

2008-06-08T17:51:00.002-05:00

We are up to our ears in fresh veggies. Hubs nor I had ever planted a garden before. We jumped into this new project feet fist and are now benefiting the fruits (or shall I say veggies) of our labor. I have put away tons of turnip greens and squash already. The beans and peas are almost ready to be picked. We have over 60 tomato plants that will be ripening any day now. I may have bitten off more than I can chew. We got a little plant happy in the beginning and it looks like we will have way more than we could ever eat.

We have learned a lot with our new venture. We know what to plant, when to plant it, and how much to plant now. We should have done this research before we started but we were just excited to get things going.

I have been looking online and in cook books, trying to learn how to put things away and preserve them. I guess I need to start looking for new recipes and ways to prepare stuff too. I think it will be fun to learn new ways to prepare our fresh veggies. If you have any cool recipes you would like to pass on, I'd me more than happy to accept.

The Silent Treatment

2008-06-02T09:50:00.002-05:00

Oye-vay! I get mad at him so he gets mad at me. It is a vicious cycle. He can be such a child. He stayed in the bedroom literally all day yesterday. He would come out long enough to grab something to eat and take it back to the bedroom with him but that was it. He avoided me at all costs. Ignoring me makes him feel like he is right and I am wrong. Like he wants me to apologize or something. Ppppffft, ain't happening.

He yelled at Bubba the other night over something so stupid. He humiliated him in front of his friend and really hurt his feelings. Bubba is just a boy and he's a GOOD boy, there is no need in yelling at him and talking to him like he is less than human. Hubs says he is trying to teach him something. He says that Bubba can't remember anything and that he is tired of telling him over and over again the same things. Well guess what? It is stupid crap that doesn't freaking matter and he is just a kid, he's gonna forget.

So he leaves his bookbag by the front door, what does it hurt? NOTHING. He's gonna get it on his way out in the morning anyway. Is it in the way? NO. He forgot to bring his football inside after playing catch last night. Is it the end of the world? NO. He fell asleep with his t.v. on. Did anyone suffer from it? NO. Gah, you don't have to be so damn hard on him. Just remind him, and let it go. Yelling at him and threatening to beat his butt isn't working. He's a good kid and he needs for you to get off of his ass over the stupid stuff. If you are going to teach him something then teach him how to be a good husband and a great father. Don't teach him to yell and scream and talk down to people. Treat him like he is a human being, not some puppy you found on the road.
I am so sick of you riding his butt over things that don't mean anything. I know that you have to tell him things over and over again. I don't know a kid that you don't have to do that to. It is called being a KID! How about we focus on the important stuff and let the other stuff go. We would ALL be a lot happier if you would just chill the crap out and lighten up some. I know that you are stressed about finances and stuff but seriously dude, don't take it out on us.

P.S. How long you plan on giving me the silent treatment this time? I kinda like it!

My least favorite holiday!

2008-05-11T22:21:00.002-05:00

Mother's Day was today, moms birthday is tomorrow. I always have a tough time during Mother's Day weekend. It was Mother's Day weekend when I decided to end my first marriage. Mom had only been gone less than 7 months and I was at a really low point in my life. Instead of staying home with me and comforting me, he went to a rodeo and then hog hunting. It was then that I realized, life is too short to live unhappy. I made up my mind that it was over and nothing was going to change it.

It wasn't quite as bad this year as it has been in the past. We stayed pretty busy, therefore I didn't have much time for thinking and feeling sorry for myself. We had to seine fish today and deliver 1000 lbs. to an RV park. The weather was nice and seining wasn't too bad but it wasn't exactly what I would have chosen to do on Mother's Day.

October 18th will be 9 years since my mom died. Some days, it seems like only yesterday. Other days, it seems like forever ago. I miss her so much and I hate that my kids never got to know her. She would have been a great grandma and they would have loved her so much. Bubba has seen pictures of her and I tell him about her but he will never truly "know" her and that makes me sad. Losing my mom at such a young age has shown me how precious life is and that we should never take anything for granted. You just never know when it is your time to go. She was diagnosed with cancer in July and passed in October. She was only 42 years old and had so much to live for. Cancer is evil and I hate it!

Bubba was a sweetheart today. He offered to watch Sister and let me take a nap. I couldn't let him do that but the offer was super duper sweet. He begged me to let him but he is just not ready for that just yet. Sister still requires a lot of attention and she gets into everything if you don't watch her closely. Since I wouldn't let him "babysit" he decided to give me a massage instead. He's such a sweet boy and he has such a big heart.

I hope I am raising him right and he turns out okay. I often worry about that. All I want to be in life is a good mom. If the only thing people remember about me when I am gone is that I was a good mom, then I have done my job. Being a mom is tough stuff. Motherhood doesn't come with a set of rules and a manual. We have to learn as we go along. I know there are plenty of things that had I known then, what I know now, I would have done them differently. I don't think I have made any major mistakes but quite a few little ones. I wish that I had more patience. That is the number one thing that I still need to work on. I am trying, and some days I do better than others but I am only human.

No big gifts from the Hubs today but that's okay. I told him, he has already given me the greatest gift of all. He has allowed me to stay home and be a mother to my children and to me, there is no greater gift that he could give me. I am so thankful to be able to stay home and mother my children. I know that I could get a job and we could have more but to me, it isn't worth it. I love being a mom!

Happy Mother's Day Mom! I can't wait until I see you again!

It's almost here!

2008-04-30T11:49:00.003-05:00

One month from today, my birthday, Bubba gets out of school for the summer. I can't wait and neither can he. He is counting the days. Field trips, track and field day, end of the year party, it is all starting to happen. I know he has to go to school and some days I am ready for him to get out of my hair, but I like it when he is at home.

I can't believe I am saying this but I am ready for baseball season to come to an end too. We have a sucky team this year and it is really hard to get into things when you are losing all the time. We have a 3-6 record right now and it is draining. For the first time since Bubba started playing, our team won't have a good enough record for us to win rights to coach the All-Star team. I know that Bubba will still make the team and all but it just won't be the same. It is so hard to sit in the stands and be quiet and not let that coach mentality take over.

I have so much I want to do with the kids this summer. Hopefully Sister will start walking soon. I want to take them to the park and to the zoo. Museums and water parks. I am ready to just be mom for awhile. I try to juggle too much at one time and I am exhausted. I am tired of schedules and ready to just wing it for a bit. I know with gas prices sky rocketing and only getting worse, we will have to plan our activities carefully but we will manage. I can't wait for summer!!! Bring it on!!!

I miss him!

2008-04-26T23:15:00.002-05:00

Bubba went out of town to a baseball tournament today. He rode with a friend and was looking forward to playing. He just so happened to be playing in the town where my dad and step-mom live, so they went and watched him play and then took him to their house for a sleep-over. It has been a long time since he spent the night with them and he was really excited about it. I am sure he is fine and really enjoying himself but I miss him. I know he is growing up and I must let him do so but it doesn't mean that I have to like it, right?

Dad called as soon as Bubba's last game was over. He said that Bubba did very well. He got two doubles, 3 RBI's, a single and two runs. Papaw was proud of his grandson! They lost their first game and won their second one so they are in 2nd place right now. Sister and I will be going to watch him play tomorrow. I just can't miss two days in a row. If they win their first game then they will be playing one more game for the championship. I hope they win, they need a big win to boost their spirits.

Sister is still not walking. I am not sure if she will ever walk. She has been pulling up and standing for months now but shows no interest at all in walking. I was in no hurry for her to walk at first but now I am getting a little anxious. I was sure that she would be walking by her first birthday. Bubba walked at 10 months and while I try not to compare, it is hard not to sometimes. I could be wrong and she could start walking tomorrow, who knows. I know that they all do things in their own time and at their own pace, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

She is developing quite the personality. She talks non-stop. It is so cute how she babbles and "talks" to herself. Sometimes I wish I knew what she was saying and then other times, I think maybe I don't want to know what she is saying, lol. Her new thing this week is to fake laugh when you laugh at her. It is so funny to watch her learn and grow. God really blessed us with a beautiful, lovely child. I thank God for her and Bubba every day. What would my life be without my children? Boring, I assure you, it would be boring. They are the light of my life!!!

You just never know what someone else is living

2008-04-15T10:33:00.002-05:00

He missed several practices and the first three ballgames, then decided to show up to Friday's game, just as the game was getting started. I was really aggravated that he showed up on me at the last minute because I had to make adjustments and I HAVE to play him even though he hasn't been there in weeks. He showed up, half dressed, no baseball glove, and no glasses. It isn't fair to the other boys that show up for practice and are always there early and give 100%. Then I spoke to his "mother."

This poor kid has had it tough. His biological mother is in prison, again, for the 4Th time. His "mother" has only had him and his two younger brothers for 2 yrs. The state took them away from the biological mother because she sat in the parking lot of the hospital, in labor, and refused to go in until she finished her last hit of crack. This child and his siblings were all born addicted to crack cocaine, have lived in numerous different homes, many different environments, are all on medication, and never had what one would call a stable home. His "mother" is actually a friend of the family, obviously down on her luck too, and I could be wrong, but from what I gather, only took these kids in so that she can collect a check from the state so that she too may buy her crack cocaine.

What, I repeat, WHAT are people thinking? Why do people like this continue to have children? Why doesn't the state require these women to have their tubes tied or some sort of mandatory birth control? Why are they allowed to keep spitting out babies, addicted to God only knows what, and keep drawing checks from the state? I feel so terribly sorry for these kids. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and they don't stand much of a chance at a normal life, ever. Their real chance at life is taken away from them before they ever even get here. It is so sad.

Now I am in a really tough position. I have 10 other boys on the team. All they know is that this kid shows up after being MIA for 2 weeks and enters the game, makes a HUGE mistake on the bases and causes a train wreck. He gets to play just as much as the ones that show up to every practice and every game and some of them get a little bitter about it. How do I make 10 yr old boys understand without saying too much? Is it my place to explain to them the situation? Should I call each individual parent, explain this kids circumstances and leave it up to each parent to explain to their kids what is going on with Randy? I explained it to Bubba, and told him the truth as I know it. It really saddened him and he completely understands but I am not sure that some of the others will. Bubba has a big heart and I am really proud of him. Even though he understands that it is not Randy's fault that he doesn't show up for practice, it is not his fault that he doesn't make it to the game early like everyone else, and it is not his fault that he doesn't have someone to get outside and play catch with when he gets home from school, he is still just a 9 yr old boy, so how much does he REALLY understand?

Disturbing news!

2008-04-03T14:04:00.002-05:00

The same week that Bubba got kidnapped, five years ago, I found out that I had a brother that I never knew about. Talk about a rough week, damn!
Apparently, my mother was sent to a home for unwed mothers and forced to give up her baby. She and my father had already divorced and it was just not acceptable back then for her to keep the baby, afterall, she was still a teenager. My mom had died 3 years before I got this news so I was pretty devastated that she died and never told me.

It took me some digging and a lot of praying, but almost a year to the day, I found my little brother. He lives about 2 hours from me and we now talk on a regular basis. He is a great guy, has a good life. He's happily married with 4 children and has really done good for himself. We are so much alike that it is scary.

I tried to do some digging and find out who his father was. I thought that I had pinned him down and was pretty certain that I was on the right track. I up and called the guy one day and gave him the shock of his life. After talking to him for about an hour, I wasn't sure. He acted really strange on the phone, was it because that he had lived with this secret for 27 years and never expected it to come out. Or was it that he never knew about it and was in shock? I really couldn't put my finger on it. I haven't talked to him since that day. I explained to him that my brother didn't want anything from him or anything, just to know where he came from. I can totally understand that but we left it alone. I had a gut feeling that he wasn't his dad anyway and deep down in my heart I believed something that I didn't ever want to let out.

Well, the other day, I was on the phone with the same person that told me about my brother to begin with. I trust this person with every fiber of my being. I don't remember how it came up but she told me who my brothers father is. She made me promise not to ever tell anyone and I agreed. Only now, I don't know if I can keep that promise. It is eating me up inside. Would anyone really benefit from knowing the truth? He is dead and my brother can never meet him anyway.

The man that fathered my brother, is my grandfather (Not my moms biological father). He molested my mother for years. Deep down in my heart I already knew this. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew it. Had she not told me this on the phone the other day, I NEVER would have ever said it out loud. I loved this man with all of my heart and he was never anything but wonderful to me but for some reason, I just knew that he fathered my brother.

Now it all makes sense. That is why they wouldn't let my mother keep the baby. They sent her to a home and forced her to give him up. She was always so partial to boys and now I know why. She gave up her first born son and had to live with that secret for all of those years. I can't imagine the pain she must have went through. It breaks my heart and I would give anything in this world to be able to talk to her and tell her how much I love her and that I don't blame her for what happened.

Do I tell my brother who his real father is? Do I take this information to the grave with me? I don't know what to do. It is eating me up inside. Does he have the right to know? This is so freaking hard!

We won!!!!

2008-03-30T00:12:00.003-05:00

The day started off really foggy and hazy. Not exactly the best day to play baseball. We had to be at the ballpark at 8:15 this morning and take team pictures. I guess they turned out okay but would have been better if the sun were shining. We had a little time between pictures and our first game so we headed to the cages to warm up.

By 10:00 a.m., when our game was starting, the sun had shown it's face. It still wasn't pretty but the clouds were drifting away slowly. It turned out to be the perfect day, it was just a slow start.

As for the game. I didn't start Bubba pitching this morning. I was going to save him for Monday night's game. I have another pitcher that is almost as good on the mound as Bubba is so I was going to give him the Opening Day start. I should have known better but I don't like to always put my kid in the spotlight. I don't want everyone to think that I am showcasing him because he is mine, kwim? Anyway, my little pitcher had an off day and didn't pitch so well. He gave up 5 runs in just 2 innings. I had no choice but to put Bubba on the mound to stop the bleeding.

That boy is a natural born pitcher! He thrives on the pressure and did a superb job of shutting the other team down. He pitched 3 great innings and struck out 6 batters. I was so proud of him. His hitting could have been a little better but he did get on base. He just didn't hit as well as he could have. Still, I am very proud of my boy.

We won today, 7-6. It was a victory in many senses of the word. Both teams played a good game and I must admit, the win came down to the coaching. I am proud to say that my assistant coach (the only other female coach in the league) and I, out coached the men coaches of the other team. It is so much fun to beat men when they are such sore losers. One of them wouldn't even come out of the dugout after the game and shake hands. You know, it only shows how sore of a loser he really is. I used to consider him my friend, not so much anymore. It just made the victory that much more enjoyable. One of Bubba's best friends was on the other team and I hate that his team lost, but glad that our team won, if that makes any sense.

Randomness

2008-03-27T14:07:00.003-05:00

Opening Ceremonies is this Saturday! I think I have a pretty good team but there are a couple that really need to try piano or something, lol. Opening Day to me means the kick start of Spring. I love the sunshine and warm air. Baseball season rocks! Spring is in the air!

Bubba got commended on the Reading TAKS test and made me a proud momma! He only missed one on the test and to me, that rocks! He has to take the Math portion of the TAKS next week and then the Science a couple of weeks after that. I don't know why I worry about him so much because he always does so well. He is a really smart boy and I am way too hard on him sometimes. I couldn't have asked for a better kid.

Sister, she got her first two teeth and is learning what it means to bite down on things. Ummm, things like her own finger, lol. She's a little firecracker! I have a feeling I am going to have my hands full with her pretty soon. She is so curious and into everything, I can only imagine how it will be once she starts walking.

Time

2008-03-16T22:24:00.002-05:00

Where does time go? I seem to have less and less of it these days. My kids are growing up way to fast, I don't get nearly enough things done that I want to get done. I remember when I was younger, the older people would tell me that the older you get the faster time goes by. They were right! Someone once said that your birthdays get closer and closer together, how true it is.

We had our first team practice Friday. I think we are going to be okay. I have one kid that is 10 yrs. old and NEVER played baseball before, he will be my project child. Then, there is another that has zero athletic ability but he really tries. Those two will be challenges but I think they will be okay. Most of the others, I think they will work out. There is still one that I haven't met yet so I will hold off on him but I have high hopes for a good season.

Hubs hooked the tractor up to the disc and started what will soon be our garden. I am so excited about finally having a garden. I plan on planting tons and tons of peas and tomatoes. I could almost live on those alone! We want to plant onions, squash, cucumbers, and peppers too. I am not sure what else we will plant but I am anxious to get started. He is going to get a tiller tomorrow and start making rows. Bubba isn't so into it, but most kids aren't I guess.

Spring Break is over and Bubba has to go back to school. It has been nice having him home for a week. I hate to see him go back. He is a great help to me when he is here and I love him being home. Some parents can't wait to send their kids off to school but I like spending as much time with mine as I can. They are only kids once and they grow up way to fast. He will be 10 this summer and it makes me so sad to think about it. My little boy is growing up on me.

Ants! I effing hate them! I have a shelf in my closet and I often lay my sleep clothes on them. Yes, I admit it, I may wear the same sleep shorts a couple of nights in a row before I wash them. No harm in that right? Wrong! I went into the closet tonight, grabbed my beloved sleep shorts and jerked them on. Dammit! They were freaking FULL of ants. I got stung on my inner thighs, and all around my panty line, a total of 12 times. How in the heck did ants get into my house? Why in the world did they find the need to nest up in my sleep shorts? I found a line of them climbing up the wall of the closet. Hubs said that he would take care of it but sheesh, those little suckers hurt. I sure hope he takes care of the problem soon!

Sister, well she has her first tooth coming in. I was beginning to think that she wasn't ever going to get a tooth. While I am tickled to death that she has a tooth coming in, I am also sad that I will see no more toothless grins. I know that she has to grow up, but she is more than likely my last baby and I just want to enjoy her being a baby as much as I can. I could never imagine myself having a little girl, I am not the girly girl type, but I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. Pink was my least favorite color in the world but now since Sister has been born, I seem to buy more pink than anything. It is her color! Pink really makes her blue eyes pop. I am learning this girly girl stuff and it isn't quite as bad as I thought.

And so it begins

2008-03-04T17:23:00.005-06:00

The draft is over and all of the teams have been picked. I think I did well and I am pleased with my team. There is a kid or two that I would have liked to have gotten, and maybe a kid or two that I wish I hadn't but that is just how it goes with the draft. Overall, I think I did well. For the first time in a long time, all of the teams seen to be pretty evenly matched. It should be an interesting season to say the least. We will have our first practice on Monday and the new season will begin.

Bubba has his first tournament game this weekend. I am not sure that we are prepared. We have a good team but I am not sure how well they are going to play together. As I mentioned before, we dropped some players and picked up some others. I am curious to see how well they play together. Sometimes, having a team full of "hot shots" can work against you. Let's just hope that it works in our favor. Chemistry is very important so we shall see how that all pans out.

Sister! That girl is pulling up on EVERYTHING. I can't make her sit down. I am not ready for this. It is so hard to believe that she is already 9 months old. Where has time gone? It seems like only yesterday that I was pregnant with her. They grow up so fast! Hubs is anxious for her to walk and talk, me, I say let her be a baby as long as possible. She has her entire life to walk and talk and only a short while to be a baby. My word, she will be a year old in less than 3 months. Noooooo! Slow down!

Try-outs

2008-03-01T22:50:00.003-06:00

Sunny and 75 degrees today. I sat on the baseball field, score card in hand, watching as 68 little boys showed their skills, or lack of. Some were good, some were great, and well, some need to find another activity. Why do some parents wait until their kid is 9-10 yrs old to sign them up for an organized sport? Do they not realize how silly their kid looks and how horrible it must be for their self esteem? They are at the age now that they know that they are not as good as the others and that has to be hard on them. Not to mention how aggrivating it must be for those that take the game so seriously.
Most of these boys have been playing since they were 4 yrs old and they have a good 5 yrs experience on the new kids. I, as a parent, wouldn't want to put my kid in that position. I don't know, maybe I am looking at it all wrong. If the kid has played other sports and is somewhat of an athlete, it isn't so bad, and I can understand them wanting to try a new sport. But, when a kid has NEVER played a sport of any kind and has zero atheletic ability, please find your child something else to do. Do humiliate him by puting him on a baseball field where he is going to keep the bench warm most of the season.
Tomorrow is Draft Day, I am ready!

What a weekend!

2008-02-24T20:49:00.004-06:00

Sickness! Never has there been so much sickness in our house as this year. I just can't seem to get Bubba well. I picked him up from school on Friday and he was running 103.5 fever. Saturday, he woke up still feeling yucky. By mid-afternoon I felt horrible and had started feeling feverish. He and I both ran fever all night and felt like crap. We had to get better because we had plans. Not to mention, Sister was 9 months old on Saturday and we didn't feel well enough to even enjoy it. Happy 9 months my sweet baby girl!

He read this series of books at schooled called, "The Spiderwick Chronicles." He said that it was a great series of books and the new movie was coming out and he really wanted to go see it. He and I haven't been to the movies together in over a year so I promised him that if we were up to it, we would go. Neither of us felt like running a foot race or anything but felt well enough to go see the new movie. It was a cute movie and I really enjoyed it. Bubba did too. We laughed, we cried, we really had a good time. He was up to speed about what was happening because he had already read the books. He said the books were better than the movie, isn't that always the case? All in all, it was a good day. Bubba and I got to spend some much needed time together, it was nice.

The first official select team practice was today, and we missed it. Bubba was just too sick to make it. I was a little worried but was truly pleased that he made the cut. Another strong team in our area busted up and there were several players looking to make the team. This meant that someone had to be let go. Someone wouldn't make the cut. While I know that Bubba is a GREAT ballplayer, I also know that sometimes politics plays a larger roll. I am just very pleased that Bubba made the team because of his ability to play and not because of the political aspect of things. There may be one or two that made the cut because of who their daddy is and how much money he can sponsor to the team. I'm not saying that their kids aren't decent ballplayers, because they are okay, select team players, ah, I'm not so sure. There is a difference. No matter, I am just happy for Bubba. He has wanted this for a long time and he is really happy to be on this team. One of his best buddies didn't make the cut and he is a little upset about that but he made another team and we will still see them quite often at the ballpark.

Helpless

2008-02-21T23:22:00.002-06:00

Help me! Ouchie! Please help me! These are the sounds that I heard coming from the mouth of my 4 yr old nephew as he lay in the hospital bed recovering from emergency appendectomy surgery. I have never felt so helpless in all my life. The poor baby was in terrible pain and the darn nurses were taking their own sweet time getting to him. Sorry assholes!

As I leaned over to kiss him on his head he asked me to please help him. I couldn't take it any longer so I asked him if he wanted me to go get that ugly old nurse and maker her bring him some medicine. He shook his little head yes so I headed down the hall. Just as I got to the nurses station, I saw his nurse come around the corner. I told her that he needed SOMETHING and NOW! She grabbed his meds and followed me to his room.

He was finally getting something for his pain. He had been out of surgery well over 6 hours and had been giving NOTHING for his pain. The poor baby was in misery. I couldn't stand looking into his big blue eyes and seeing the pain in them any longer. Thank God that she had the medicine ready because I couldn't have made it another minute and I am afraid that I would have gotten really ugly with her.
I pray that the little fellow got some relief and is getting some much needed rest now. I sure hope that tomorrow is a brighter day for him.

On a brighter note, Bubba and I got to spend some quality time together tonight. We don't get near enough time alone together now days. We made a stop by Old Navy and picked him up some new threads. He is at the age where style really matters. He should be stylin' now, lol. He's such a good kid and I am too hard on him sometimes, I am really trying not to be so rough on him. I love that boy!

Always 2nd place, never the Winner

2008-02-17T21:41:00.003-06:00

Thirteen hours on the road. That is what Sister and I did all day Friday. Hubs had to take a course on Friday in order to keep his electrical license so I had to haul fish. It was the first time since I got pregnant that I made a fish haul on my own. It wasn't that bad on the way there but on the way back, Sister got a little fussy. Once we got there we found a Babies-R-Us and did a little shopping, just something to get out of the truck and stretch our legs a bit. We stopped at a Chili's and had lunch. Just a little mom and daughter time, it was nice. Then the trip home, ugh. She was okay as long as it was daylight but once the darkness hit, she got crabby. She didn't like being in that back seat, all alone, in the dark. We ended up having to stop once more on the way home, just so that I could get her out and let her take a break. We finally made it home and all was well, she was happy to get in the floor and crawl around.

Then there was Saturday. Bubba had his basketball tournament this weekend. We won the first game 30-2, won the second game 19-9, and then lost the championship game 31-27. So, we walked away with 2nd place, AGAIN. It seems that we just can't get that championship game in our pockets. Bubba was devestated. He said he is tired of coming in 2nd EVERY year. We have gotten 2nd place every single year that we have played, (5 yrs.). Bubba played okay, it wasn't his best weekend on the court but he did his part. He gets a little aggrivated with those that don't want to play, don't know how to play, or just down right can't play but mom and dad signs them up anyway. He is a great athelete and really takes pride in playing and when someone else is goofing off instead of busting their rumps, it doesn't sit well with him. Maybe we will get 'em next year, who knows. I tried to tell him, at least we get 2nd, we could get 4th, 8th, or even last.

Bubba went home with a friend last night. He enjoyed himself but I had to pick him up a little early. He had his first baseball practice today. He is on a traveling select team and they had a little batting practice to prepare for their first tournemnt in March. While we were in town, I had a little grocery shopping to do. I hate having to do that on the weekend but I got it done. Sister stayed home with Daddy and they had a good time. He really is a great daddy and I am so thankful for that. Sister has changed us all, in a good way.

Stupid sickness

2008-02-14T00:15:00.002-06:00

Bubba had strep throat for a week and then he got the flu and was down for 2 weeks. Now I have this horrible sinus infection that has settled in my teeth and giving me terrible fits. And if that isn't enough, Bubba came home from school today with fever again, and here it is after midnight and Sister woke up burning up with fever. I sometimes feel like a damn hermit because I sit in this house and keep me and my kids away from all the sickness and germs but we still get sick.
This crazy weather is enough to make anyone sick. It is 75 one day and 30 the next. I am so freaking ready for spring.
I sure hope that Sister is running fever because of her teething and not because she is getting sick. I sure don't want to have a sick baby on my hands. I got an antibiotic today so hopefully I will be on the mend soon. I am not sure about Bubba, I sure hope he isn't having a relapse. Sickness, go the eff away!

Beautiful weekend

2008-02-10T14:52:00.000-06:00

It is looking more and more like spring. Bubba had his last regular season basketball game Saturday and the weather was amazing. Sunny and 75 degrees! We won the game 24-11 and finished our season with a 5-2 record. Not bad, not what we would have liked for it to have been, but not bad. Next weekend is the big tournament. If we play well we may walk away with 2nd place. I am usually very optimistic in these situations and I would like to think that we could win it all but in reality, there is one team that is just too good for us. If I could lose a player or two it would help but since I am stuck with them, they hold us back. All in all, it has been a good season. Now it is time for baseball.

It was sunny and beautiful again today. Bubba spent the night with a friend after the basketball game yesterday so he didn't get home unitl mid-afternoon. Hubs, Sister, and I went for a walk and then Bubba and I got out in the yard and played catch. I know that I am a little biased because I am his mom but Bubba, he's a helluva baseball player. I am so proud of him! Baseball was my first love and I am so honored that it is his first love too. He is headstrong and stubborn like his mother but he listens and keeps trying to improve all the time.

I am not sure how I am going to manage coaching again this year but I have to. I have coached his team every year since he started and I can't stop now. It will be tough trying to juggle Sister around and coach Bubba's team but he deserves it. I can't push him aside just because we have a baby now. I have to try and show him as much individual attention as possible. He was an only child for 9 years, that is a long time to be the center of your mother's attention. If I weren't so anal and I could let someone else watch Sister it would really help. I just haven't gotten to that point yet. Hubs is the only one that I trust to keep her and I know that there will be days that he won't be able to do that when we have practice. Games don't worry me, I have plenty of friends that will be at the ballpark and more than willing to hold her during the game. It will all be tough, but I will manage, some way, some how.

With this fresh burst of warm, sunny weather, it has really given me the baseball fever. Sign-ups started this week and I am busting at the seems, ready to get started.

It's Monday

2008-02-04T23:42:00.000-06:00

Last thing before I went to bed last night I turned the alarm clock on. Hubs woke me up at 7:00 a.m., asking if I was going to get up for school or not. What? Why didn't my alarm go off? Now I have to rush and get Bubba up and ready. I totally forgot that I had changed the time on the clock because we had an early basketball game Saturday. Ugh! So, that is how my day started.

Hubs was off of work today so he was home ALL day and right under my butt. I love him to death but sheesh, do something productive, or at least get out of my way so that I can. When he is home, he dirties stuff up and leaves messes for me to clean. Men.

Bubba went back to school today after missing 3 days last week. He was home a couple days at the first of the month with Strep Throat and then last week he came down with the Flu. He toughed it out a few days before I finally carried him to the ER for them to send us home, saying there was nothing we could do but treat the symptoms. He feels much better now and had a good first day back. When he got home today we pulled up his grades on the computer, he had a couple tests today that he had missed, and I was so stinking proud of him. His grades are great! He had straight A's again for the first time since the first 6 weeks. Those are HIS kind of grades and I am so proud of him for buckling down and giving 100%.

He is at a tough age and with him being so much younger than all of the others in his class, he sometimes doesn't know how to deal with the peer pressure. He is too into being the "cool kid" instead of being the "smart kid." I think he has taken some flack about being in the Gifted and Talented program and for making such good grades. We had some struggles and his grades slipped for awhile. I sometimes wonder if allowing him to move a grade ahead was the right thing to do or not. I hope that I did right by him. I guess only time will tell.

Basketball practice tonight was a waste of time. Three of my players didn't show up and it is hard to run plays when you have that many out. We got beat Saturday and we basically gave the game away by making bad passes and not playing enough defense. I was really gonna work them over tonight but just couldn't do it with 3 of them out. Hopefully they will all be there Friday and we can prepare for our last game on Saturday. Saturday is our last season game and then the big tournament will be the weekend after. The way things are looking right now, we will get 2nd place, again. Always 2nd place, never the winner. It's gotta be our year sooner or later, right?

Back at it!

2008-02-03T14:26:00.000-06:00

I haven't blogged in awhile. I had to take some time to myself and time to think. I guess I kind of got my feelings hurt that I rarely get comments. Then, once I really thought about it, I blog for myself more than anything so the comments shouldn't affect me. It is hard to say that they don't because who doesn't like to get comments? But, I have to blog first and foremost, for me. Writing is like cheap therapy. I may have blogged to much about myself and scared some people off but I can't let that bother me. I am who I am because of my past. I can't hide that any longer.
For a long time, I didn't tell ANYONE about the things that had happened to me. I never told my mother before she died. She knew, because of the whole court thing, but she never knew details and I never wanted anyone in my family to know the truth. Now, I don't feel that way at all. In the beginning, I felt guilty, I felt ashamed and I didn't want anyone, let alone my family to know what horror I went through. Now that I have done some healing and opening up, I realize that in order for me to completely heal, I had to talk about it. I have told Hubs most of what happened and I have told mil some small details but I still haven't told them everything. I tried to tell my sister some things but she didn't want to hear it. She still blames me for taking her daddy away from her. Because of his probation he wasn't allowed at school functions, couldn't leave the city limits without written permission, and all sorts of other things that I really don't care to know about. She thinks he is the most perfect man to ever step onto the face of the earth, and while he may be a changed man now, (I really don't know) he is far, I mean far, from perfect.
So, I will continue to blog, I will continue to heal, and I will try really hard, not to let the lack of comments bother me. I will blog for me and that is what is most important. Me, wow, I said it, I am important. That is a major step in the right direction.

Bubba had company!

2008-01-20T19:01:00.000-06:00

As we left practice Friday night, Bubba asked if one of his teammates could spend the night. It has been a really long time since he has had a friend over. In the old house, we just didn't have room and I was just too ashamed of the cluster to allow someone to come over. So, I said yes! Now that we are in the new house, we have plenty of room and Bubba has a bedroom that he can be proud of.

We played our second weekend of basketball yesterday and the boys did good. We won 24-11. Bubba scored 8 pts and had 2 assists. I was really proud of him, well not just him, the team did a bang up job. After the game, his buddy came home with us and the fun began. He and Bubba played video games and watched t.v. I made nachos and snacks for them. They really had a good time. Today, when it was time for C to go home, he asked if Bubba could go with him. So, now he is at his friends house. He has had a good weekend. I hate letting him go off because I am such a control freak but I know it is good for him and it makes him happy to spend time with his friends. No school tomorrow so he may as well spend the day having fun with his buddy instead of hanging out at home with me and Sister.

Sister is really coming into her own little person. She is developing such a personality. It is amazing to watch a little one grow. Children are such miracles. She has learned to raise her arms when she wants me and that makes my heart feel good. She is trying to crawl but does more crawfishing backwards than anything. I am in no hurry for her to get completely mobile though. She can already scoot from one side of the room to the other in just a matter of minutes. I love that girl. My kids make me happy and I don't know how anyone could ever live without the sweetness of children in their lives.

He's sorry!

2008-01-17T08:38:00.000-06:00

I had just laid Sister down for her evening nap, Bubba was in the shower, Hubs and I were talking, and then the call came. On the other end, it was him. He says my name, "Yes," I replied. This is .... I was in a bit of shock and not exactly sure what to say. Do I just hang up, do I listen to what he has to say, there were a million things running through my mind in that short period of time. Then he began.

He began to tell me how terribly sorry he was for all of the pain that he had caused me and for all of the pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. He said that he couldn't even begin to imagine what he put me through and what I had to deal with on a daily basis. He began to sob and said it over and over again, I'm so sorry. He began to tell me how he had a hard time dealing with what he had done and it was eating him up inside. He said that only by the Grace of God was he able to go on. He said that he knew no matter how many times he told me he was sorry or how badly he wanted to take it all back, that he couldn't and that it wouldn't make my pain go away. Knowing that I was okay and at peace was something that he really needed to hang onto. I didn't speak much, I just listened.

Halloween night, all of the offenders in the area were on lock down for 4 hours. The counselor called him and asked him if he would speak to the other offenders. He gladly took on the task and took great pride in speaking to them and trying to make them understand what they had done to their victims. If he could help save one person, or heal one mind, it was all worth it. As he is telling me these things, my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I am not sure what to think, I am not sure how to feel. I believe that he is sorry and I believe that he is sincere but what I am not sure of is this: Is he most sorry that he feels so guilty for destroying my life, or is his most sorry that he destroyed my life? This, I will have to ponder on for awhile.

He wanted to make sure that I was okay, well, as okay as one can be after having had gone through what I went through. I assured him that I was good. Life is good! I told him how it once consumed me and controlled me but never, would I ever, allow that to happen again. I have taken control over my life and I have two amazing children to raise, I can't let my past take over me anymore. The truth is, I do still feel the pain and I do still hurt deep down inside and no one will ever understand completely. He wanted me to say that I forgive him, I could tell that he was waiting for those words. I think that I have forgiven him but I can not be certain.

I am not sure what to do about this phone call. I am not sure how I feel about it. Did it help me? Did it hurt me? I honestly don't know, I am still a little numb this morning and must do some soul searching. I know that what I really must do is humble myself and let God speak to me. I need to get on my knees and do some serious praying and talking to God. Have I really forgiven him or is it something that I just tell myself so that I may cope? I think for me to completely heal I must find these answers. There is one thing that I do know, if anyone ever tried to do to one of my children, what was done to me, I would kill them with my bare hands. No one should ever, ever have to live with pain like this. No one!

Whoa, we've got a team!

2008-01-13T14:31:00.000-06:00

With Bubba being sick for 3 days, one of our starting line-up out of town and another of our team members being grounded and unable to attend the game, I was sure that we were destined to lose this weekend. Much to my surprise, the boys stepped up. The first game was a masacre. We won 24-3. Bubba wasn't his normal, juking and jiving, scoring self but he hung in there. He was weak and tired from being sick but he didn't let it stop him completely. Game one was against a much weaker team and though I was proud of them for winning, I knew that the next game was going to be a tough one.
The coach of the other team was one of my good friends and his team was loaded. He called me the day of the draft and bragged about the players he had on his team. I must admit that I was a bit intemidated. I was looking for a score much like the first game, only in their favor this time. The game started out pretty ugly. They had us down 7-0 at the end of the first quarter. The coach of the other team was so excited and feeling like he had already won. He has never beaten me in basketball before. Baseball, yep, a time or two, but basketball, never even come close. My boys started out the 2nd quarter on fire. We came back and had took the lead 16-13 at the half. I couldn't believe it. Playing with only 6 boys, having already played one game, while their players were fresh, we were leading them. Wow! I was so proud of my boys. We kept the lead through the 3rd quarter and then fatigue started to set in. We missed a few free throws and let them dominate us on the offensive end. The final score was 27-24. They won, but I was SO proud of my boys. We may have came out with a loss in the record book but we came home with in a win in MY book. They played their hearts out and had we had our full team there and not just came off of another game, we would quite possibly could have won that game.
I don't like to look at "what if's" but in this case, I can definately look back and say that if we had our full team and Bubba had been on his game, wow, the outcome would have been different. I am sure that we will see this team again in the play-offs. I am looking forward to it.
My boys played as a team, no ball hogging, no complaining, just played a great game of basketball. Passing, shooting, helping each other out on both ends of the court. I feel like I have done my job. I have taught them something and I am proud of each and every one of them! Way to go Bearkats!

What a day! What a day!

2008-01-11T23:15:00.000-06:00

I took Bubba to the Dr. Wedesday and he has strep throat. He had 103 fever when we got there. Oye! He is on antibiotics and felling much, much better now. I kept him out of school again today. He begged to go, knowing that he missed two tests on Thursday and that he would miss two tests today. It is the end of the 6 weeks grading period and the end of the 1st Semester. I assured him that he could make those tests up on Monday and all would be well.

Tomorrow is our first basketball game and I am still not sure if I am going to let him play. We will be short handed and I really need him but I don't want him to relapse either. I guess we will have to wait and see. I told him that I may not make a decision until just before game time. He has been stuck in the house the past couple of days and it is about to drive him nuts. He is really outgoing and likes to run and play. Being confined to your room for days, at the age of 9, is not fun.

Oh, and just for the record, the Reading test that I thought he was trying to skip out on, he made a 98 on it. I really shouldn't second guess him, I know that he is a smart boy. I guess we have just had some bumps in the road lately and I just wasn't sure. He assured me that he was going to do better and until he proves otherwise, I should trust him. He really is a good boy and I am blessed to be his mother.

This mom thing, it's tough stuff!

2008-01-09T08:06:00.000-06:00

Bubba woke up this morning, crying, saying he had a sore throat. I looked at his throat and it looked a little red but nothing too serious. I think he may have slept with his mouth open and his throat got a little dry. He didn't feel like he had fever but I could be wrong. The thermometer is still at the old house so I must make an attempt to go get that today.
Bubba has a big test today and I am not sure if he was trying to get out of taking that test today or if his throat was really as sore he said it was. He made a 105 on his Science test yesterday and really seems to be making an effort to make better grades. The Reading test today is a big one and could make or break his grade for the 6 weeks reporting period. We studied the material several times last night and I think he knows it all but he knows that there is a lot riding on this test.
I remember being in school and dreading taking a big test and would "play" sick on test day so that I could have another day to study, but that was in High School. I made him go to school. If he is really as sick as he says he is then I am going to feel horrible and be worst mom of the year. He has to stay at school until 10:00 a.m. in order to get counted as present for the day so I told him to at least try and make it until then and if he just can't make it to go to the nurses office and get checked out.
This test is such a big test because he knows that if he doesn't make a good grade then he can't play in our first basketball game this Saturday. I hate putting pressure like that on him but I have to take a stand somewhere. He has been acting out and not making his kind of grades because of attention issues. I think that we have addressed those issues and Hubs and I have really been trying to show extra attention to him and put forth the extra effort.
This thing called parenting, it is tough stuff. I really want to be the best mom that I can be and I want my kids to know that I put forth every effort to do the best that I can. I just wonder if that is enough. I look back on my childhood and I try to remember how tough things were and how I wish my mom had done some things differently. I try not to make the same mistakes that she made. I try to learn from her mistakes and of course make my own, but I try to keep those to a minimum.

It is really important to me to be a great mom. My mom was my best friend. I hope that my kids can feel that way about me someday. Just days before she died, she wrote me a letter. In that letter, she asked me to forgive her for all of her short comings and told me how proud of me she was for being a great mom. She made mistakes and was not perfect but it wasn't until after she was gone that I realized how great she really was. She spent her entire life taking care of someone. She really tried to be a good mom. She did all of the little things that not all moms did. She started out very young and had lots of growing up to do herself but she always, and I mean always, made time for us. She always stood up for us and we knew that we could count on her no matter what. I just hate that it took her dying for me to realize all of the sacrifices that she made and all that she gave up for us kids. In the letter she wrote me, she said that she wished that she could have been as good of a mom as I was. I say, if I turn out to be half the mom that she was, I have made an accomplishment. I will use her mistakes as learning tools and try not to make those but I will make mistakes of my own. In the end, I just want my kids to know that I love them and will do anything in my power to make their lives as happy and pain free as I possibly can. Being a mom is tough stuff but there is nothing more rewarding in this world.

UPDATE:

So, I got a phone call at 10:35 a.m. He was in the nurses office, had fever, still had the sore throat and was being sent home. I picked him up, stopped by the corner store and got him an Icee. Poor thing, he wasn't faking this morning, he really was sick. I took his temp and he has 101 fever. Hubs is in town and on his way home with meds for Bubba. Gah, Mother of The Year, I am NOT! :(

Going back to work

2008-01-07T23:38:00.000-06:00

I love my husband and I love that he has been able to spend some quality time with us the past few weeks but, sheesh, he has really gotten on my nerves. He goes back to work tomorrow and I can't wait. My bed never got made today because his butt never got out of it long enough for me to make it. Every time I got the kitchen clean, he would come through and get something to eat or drink and mess things up all over again. I normally is very active and what I would consider a workaholic, but the last couple of days he has been a couch potato and it is driving me nuts. Go back to work dude, and make us some money, lol.

MIL called this morning and wanted to talk to Hubs. I took him the phone and told him that it was his mother. When he got off of the phone he asked me why I hated his mother. What? What do you mean? I don't hate your mother. What did I do to make you say that? Did she say something? No, she didn't say anything, I can just tell by the look on your face whenever she calls or when you are around her. I denied it and told him that he was crazy and he finally just dropped it. I don't "hate" her, but I do not like her very much anymore. I really really thought that I was hiding the fact but I guess not. I hate that I feel the way I do about her because she really is a good person but she hurt me so badly and I just can't seem to get over it.
She is so judgemental and gossips more than anyone I have ever seen in my entire life. She is always talking about her granddaughter in-law and how horrible her house is and how she is lazy and so on and so forth. It just makes me wonder what she says about me when I'm not around. I wish that I could get over my resentment or whatever it is that I feel for her but I just can't. Before I got pregnant, she and I had a wonderful relationship, but it has all fallen apart and the mere sight of her or the sound of her voice makes me sick now.
It is really hard to forgive someone for hurting you when you constantly hear them talking about other people and know in the back of your mind that they are talking about you too. She needs to stop preaching so much and start listening to her own advice.

It breaks my heart

2008-01-05T23:35:00.000-06:00

My little brothers wife called this morning and wanted to come over. Now that I have a bigger house with more room, I don't mind the company every now and then. She and the boys (my two nephews) were bored and wanted to come and visit. She said that she would meet me in town and that she had a special surprise for me. I couldn't imagine what it could be and she wouldn't give me a hint at all.

We met up at the grocery store and much to my surprise, she had my niece with her. The little girl that I had pretty much raised for the first 3 1/2 yrs of her life. I very rarely get to see her now. Once, maybe twice a year. My little sister lost custody of her several years ago and her bio father and step mother don't let her visit us much. Bubba and I were very happy to see her and she was just as excited to see us. We spent most of the afternoon together in town and then came back to my house.

Bubba and Bre had a great time and really enjoyed each other's company. There are only 9 months between them and they were as close as any brother and sister could ever be. She is older than Bubba but Bubba outgrew her several years ago. He's a big boy.

While I was cooking dinner and the boys were playing, she came into the kitchen and sat at the bar to talk. At first she just sat and watched me and then she began to talk. She said that she really missed us a lot and wished that she still lived with us. She said that she hates not getting to see us. Then her cell phone rang. She rolled her eyes and got up and walked away as she answered. On the other end of the line was her mother (step-mom). Once she got off of the phone with her she said that she had already called her 12 times since we had been home. WHAT? WHY? We had only been home about 2 hours. Was something wrong?

She sat back down at the bar and began to cry. She said that her "mother" wanted to make sure that her REAL mother (my sister) hadn't come over. She was not allowed to see her or talk to her. If she were to see her she was to turn her back and walk away. I was in shock. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. She said that when they are in front of other people that her parents will tell her that it is her choice whether she sees her mom or not but when they are at home alone they have instructed her to never see her and never talk to her again. They have told her that her mom is a horrible person and that she doesn't love her. I asked her what she thought and what she wanted to do and she started crying again and said that she wanted to see her mom and that she missed her. It has been almost 2 years since she has seen her or spoken to her. They will not allow it.

My little sister has never won a mother of the year award and will never be a June Cleaver, but it is not my sister that they are hurting. It is an innocent 10 year old girl that they are destroying. They will live to regret it one day. I love that little girl so much and I miss her terribly. It just breaks my heart what they are doing to her. I truly hope that she doesn't grow up to hate her parents for what they have done to her. I pray that she and my sister can someday reunite and start a new relationship.

I will never be good enough

2008-01-04T17:15:00.000-06:00

Sitting at the bar in the kitchen, enjoying each other's conversation, and then, he slipped up. One too many cold ones and his lips got a little loose. The t.v. was on and a commercial about a new game show came on. I am not sure of the name of the show but it had the host asking people really personal questions like: If you thought you could get away with it would you cheat on your spouse? He said all of the right things: I would NEVER cheat on you, even if I thought you would never find out. I love you too much and I could never live with myself. My conscious wouldn't let me do something like that. You mean too much to me to ever take a chance at destroying what we have. My head was swelling and I was feeling little butterflies inside. He really loves me. He would never cheat on me. I am a lucky woman.
And then, he said it. The words that would cut right throught my heart and tear me down like I had been hit by a truck. "Sure I have thought about it, you know, like when a good looking woman walks by or something, I think to myself, I would like to bang her, but I would never do it. Hell, I am a man, men think about doing it with other women but it doesn't mean I would ever act on it."
What did he just say? Did he really just say what I think he said? I got up out of my seat and mumbled as I walked by him, you disgust me, and went straight to bed. I have always heard that when you are drinking, the truth comes out. I am not so sure he wanted that truth to come out. When he saw the look on my face, he knew that he had screwed up. He knew that he had said something that he never should have said. But, it was too late. The damage was done. He may not have done it but he has done it in his heart. To me, that is enough.
I have thought about it for days now and it has almost consumed me. I feel like I will never be good enough. No matter what, I will never be thin enough, never pretty enough, never satisfy him enough. If he has to think about doing it with other women then I am just not good enough. "I am a man," wtf kind of excuse is that? I see men everyday, I coach with dozens of men all the time. There are even several of them that I find very attractive, but I have NEVER, and I do mean NEVER, wondered what it would be like to sleep with one of them.
I love him too much. He satisfies me. I do not need to think of anyone else. How do I get past this? Why has it hurt me so deeply? Is this normal? Is he right? Are all men like this? If so, then how do I ever feel like I am enough? The thought of him touching me now disgusts me. I don't know how to move past this.
On one hand, it makes me want to get up off of my butt and get my figure back and become the best looking thing he has ever seen, then on the other hand I want to sit on my fat ass and wallow in self pitty and just get bigger, fatter, uglier.
We have not spoken about that night since it happened. I have not allowed him to touch me, not even to hug me when he leaves. We aren't fighting, just not loving either, if that makes sense. I bet he wishes he could take back what he said, but he doesn't wish it any more than I do.
I have been beaten, molested, and abused but I don't know that I have ever been hurt so deeply.

Finally back on the net!

2008-01-03T13:55:00.000-06:00

The move went well. We have been in the new house a little over a week and I am so in love with all of this room. I still have a lot to do to get the place looking like I want it to but that is going to take time. I wish that I could just snap my fingers and have everything done but that is not realistic so I will have to be patient and take small steps to get to where I want things to be.

Christmas wasn't too bad. I must admit that I was dreading it somewhat but it all turned out fairly well. We went to MIL's Christmas Eve night and Christmas afternoon and then my dad, brother and his family all came to our new home Christmas evening. I really enjoyed hosting them. We had a really good time and the kids enjoyed themselves. I took a little time in between it all to take a walk and talk to my mom. I could be completely wrong but I honestly feel like she can hear me and it helps me to keep believing that so I hang onto it with everything I've got. I will never stop missing her and I will never stop talking to her. I guess it is my own way of keeping her alive in my heart and in my mind.

Bubba was tickled to death over the Wii and the Fathead. He was so proud! Seeing my kids happy, makes me happy. Bubba, Hubs, and I have played Wii until our arms are sore and ready to fall off. Bowling, Tennis, Golf, Baseball, wow, who knew how out of shape we were until we got started playing Wii. It is good for us though, we needed to get up off of our butts and do soemthing. What better way to exercise than having fun huh?

I had to take Sister to the ER yesterday. Seems that she has a viral infection that caused her to break out in a rash and cause her whoha to become swollen. I am so overly cautious with her and she still got sick. Damn! She doesn't feel bad or act sick, just has an ugly rash on her belly, back, and diaper area. They said that it should start clearing in a couple of days. She was such a trooper and never even made a peep when they stuck the needle in her to draw blood. She just sat there looking around and smiling while they did their job. I was so shocked and so proud of her. She's a big girl! I don't think Bubba could have been that still and quiet, but of course he would never admit that. He really doesn't like needles.

Movin' In

2007-12-20T22:54:00.000-06:00

I think I am finally done with my shopping. I got Bubba a Wii, (had to stand in line for 3 hours, but I got it) his Fathead arrived, and all the other little odds and ends are completed. I still have wrapping to do but other than the wrapping, I am done. Yippie!

This weekend we will be moving into the new house. I am so excited that I don't know what to do. What more could I ask for? A beautiful baby girl, a sweet little boy, a husband that works his butt off to support us and provide for us, a new camera that rocks, new furniture, and a NEW HOUSE! God is GOOD! I have so much to be thankful for.
The new house has really kept me busy the last few weeks and really helped to keep my mind occupied. This is the first time since my mom died that I haven't been sitting around pouting and feeling sorry for myself. I still miss her terribly and I know that on Christmas Day it will hit me like it always does. I will have to disapear for a bit, shed a few tears and talk to my mom and tell her how badly that I miss her, but at least I haven't let it consume me this year.

My little brother and his family are coming this weekend to help Hubs move the appliances. I am sure that we could do it on our own but it sure would be nice to have help.
Even though we will be moving in, there is still lots to do. I have so many ideas in my head of things that I want to paint and things that I want to do. I haven't been this excited about anything in a long time. I have lived in this ugly, dark house for so long, ugh. I will not miss it! It may take us awhile, especially since we just lost that big business deal, but I will eventually get everything decorated just like I want it. I will finally have a home that I can be proud of and not be ashamed for someone to come and visit. I have promised Bubba that the first weekend we are available, and after the holidays, he can have a friend spend the night with him. He hasn't had a friend over in over a year.

Still no Wii

2007-12-16T14:38:00.000-06:00

I heard about the big sale today to promote the Wii. Stores have had them hidden in the back rooms for days now. So I called my dad and asked him if he would be so kind and try to get one for Bubba, I would just pay him back. He said sure and he and step-mom got up bright and early and went to K-Mart. They were supposed to open at 6:00 so Dad got there before 5:30. Well, they only had 7 of the damn things and dad didn't get one. They left there and drove to Target which didn't open until 8:00 and there were already people lined up outside, sitting in their lawn chairs bundled up with blankets.
Why are these things so darn hard to come by? Why do we all wait until the last minute to do things? I honestly had no idea that they were going to be this hard to find or I would have purchased one months ago when they were consistently on the shelves.
I don't know what I am going to do. Bubba only asked for 2 things for Christmas, a Wii and a Fathead. The Wii was supposed to be from Santa. It breaks my heart that I can't get it for him. There is still a little time and I am not giving up hope. Maybe, just maybe I can get my hands on one before the Jolly Old Fellow comes to town.