Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Therapy

It's been over a year since I've typed words on this poor old blog. Writing is kind of my therapy and there's a lot going on now so I need to get some things off of my mind.

My dear sweet mother in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a couple of weeks ago. The moment I heard the words "pancreatic cancer" I knew that the prognosis would not be good. Hubs and the in laws all hung on to hope and faith that God would take care of her and that she would be alright. I wanted to have that faith but my experience with cancer hasn't been good. The median survival rate for patients diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is 3-6 months. I can't even begin to imagine loosing her that quickly. I lost my own mother 11 years ago to cancer and going through this is like deja vu. I hate cancer!!!!

It isn't fair and I'm angry. Not angry at God, just angry at the entire situation. Hubs, well he's angry at God. His faith has been rocked and he's in a dark place right now. I've been where he's at and it's not a good place. It's something that he will have to work through on his own. I understand and I am going to try and be patient with him and support him as best I can. I don't know why God allows this to happen or that to happen, why he heals this one or that one and not the others. I don't know why he allows bad things to happen to good people and good things to happen to bad people. It makes me angry and I just don't understand. I want to shout and I want to hit something really hard. I just want to scream and tell God that it isn't fair. Nell is a sweet sweet person with the biggest heart in the world. She's lived a good Christian life and would do anything for anybody. We NEED her here!!! Why oh why won't He heal her? There is an army of people praying for her and I bet you can't find one person on the face of this earth that has anything bad to say about her. The world would be a much better place if there were more people here like her. So, why won't he let her stay?

As much as I'm going to miss her and as bad as it hurts to think of my life without her in it, it hurts even more to think of how it will affect my children. They all love her so much!! They need her!! She absolutely adores them and they aren't going to understand why she's gone. I love that woman, and I wish that I could be half the woman that she is!