Monday, February 7, 2011

It's evil and I hate it!!

Cancer sucks! It's taken so many of my loved ones already. Now that the MIL has it, it threatens to take her too. Without a miraculous healing from God, cancer will win again. We had special prayer at church last night and there were about 6-8 people in our small community that were named to have cancer. It's killing us all and there is nothing that we can do to stop it. It sneaks up on you and BAM, it's too late! There are a few people here and there that beat it. You hear praise reports every now and then of someone that had it and now it's gone. Those people are few and far between and for every one that beats it, there are hundreds that don't. It just isn't fair!! I know that God didn't promise us that life would be fair but it sure would be nice if it was.

We brought MIL home a few days ago. We've enjoyed her being home and loved spending time with her but it's hard seeing her wither away so quickly. She's always been the go getter. The one that could run circles around the rest of us. The one that was up at the crack of dawn and staying up after the rest of us had long gone to bed. There's not a lazy bone in her body and all she's every known is to work. To see her so weak and so sick just hurts my heart.

She keeps talking about Sisters recital. She's looked forward to that recital since the day Sister started dance class back in August. She has asked me 100 times in the past few weeks when the recital is. She knows that it's in May and she knows that her time here on earth is short. She wants more than anything to make it to that dance recital and I pray, Oh God I pray, that she makes it!

Cancer SUCKS!!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


It's been over a year since I've typed words on this poor old blog. Writing is kind of my therapy and there's a lot going on now so I need to get some things off of my mind.

My dear sweet mother in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a couple of weeks ago. The moment I heard the words "pancreatic cancer" I knew that the prognosis would not be good. Hubs and the in laws all hung on to hope and faith that God would take care of her and that she would be alright. I wanted to have that faith but my experience with cancer hasn't been good. The median survival rate for patients diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is 3-6 months. I can't even begin to imagine loosing her that quickly. I lost my own mother 11 years ago to cancer and going through this is like deja vu. I hate cancer!!!!

It isn't fair and I'm angry. Not angry at God, just angry at the entire situation. Hubs, well he's angry at God. His faith has been rocked and he's in a dark place right now. I've been where he's at and it's not a good place. It's something that he will have to work through on his own. I understand and I am going to try and be patient with him and support him as best I can. I don't know why God allows this to happen or that to happen, why he heals this one or that one and not the others. I don't know why he allows bad things to happen to good people and good things to happen to bad people. It makes me angry and I just don't understand. I want to shout and I want to hit something really hard. I just want to scream and tell God that it isn't fair. Nell is a sweet sweet person with the biggest heart in the world. She's lived a good Christian life and would do anything for anybody. We NEED her here!!! Why oh why won't He heal her? There is an army of people praying for her and I bet you can't find one person on the face of this earth that has anything bad to say about her. The world would be a much better place if there were more people here like her. So, why won't he let her stay?

As much as I'm going to miss her and as bad as it hurts to think of my life without her in it, it hurts even more to think of how it will affect my children. They all love her so much!! They need her!! She absolutely adores them and they aren't going to understand why she's gone. I love that woman, and I wish that I could be half the woman that she is!