Thursday, February 12, 2009

Why do I care?

I finally moved up into the big wide world of high speed. Now that I can cruise the internet a little, okay a lot quicker, I have been looking at things I normally wouldn't have looked at. Today, I was looking around on Myspace. Used to it took so long to load that I didn't even bother going there. My little sister has a rather entertaining myspace page. She and I, we've never really gotten along. There is 10 years between us and we are so incredibly different. I saw that she had posted some new pictures so I thought I'd take a look. I wish that I would have just stayed away from her page. Why do I do this to myself?

She's a really gorgeous girl but sits on her fat ass all day doing nothing and just gets bigger and bigger. She's as big as a dang house. She has never worked a day in her life and there is no reason why. She's married to a redneck idiot and doesn't have any kids. There is no excuse for her not getting off of her big ole butt and doing something. Heck, if nothing else, get out and walk some of that fat off. There is being overweight and then there is being obese. She is VERY obese! It's really really sad because she is sooooo pretty and has so much potential. Anyway, I've gotten off topic now. This is not what upset me the most.

While I'm checking out her pictures, I found a few pics of her and my brother. Then a pic or two of her, my brother, and my lil brother that died. A few pics of her mom, her hubby, lots and lots of pics of herself. Then, came the shocker. Pictures of my father. Then I looked on her front page and notice that he's been commenting on her myspace page. Curiosity got the best of me and I went to check out my little brother's page. Yep, he's been commenting on his page too. My brother and sister both have a great relationship with him. They adore him and are all very close. It's just really hard for me to look at him and see how happy they are and know that he is the same man that almost destroyed my life. He beat me and molested me. He took some of the most important years of my life from me. There are scars on my heart that will never go away. I've faught and struggled for so long to get over what that man did to me. I still fight and struggle to overcome the hurt that lays deep inside. Why? Why does he deserve to be happy? Why does he deserve to have children love and adore him after what he did to me? It just doesn't seem fair. Part of me HATES him! I don't use that word often but part of me does truly HATE him. Everytime I think I have forgiven him, something else comes up. Why do I care what he does with his life? Why do I care that my brother and sister love him so much? Why can't I just get over it? I'm the only one that gets hurt. Ugh!

4 comments:

Michelle Lynn said...

(((hugs)))

girl said...

I think it is hard not to care.

What strikes me as hard or weird or I don't know is how people can have such different relationships with people... knowing what happened. Why some pray on some but not others.

You have so much going on in that head and heart. I think i will say an extra prayer or two just for you.

Hugs babe.

Tiffany said...

Walk away sweetie - walk away from those MySpace pages. I agree with you 100% that he probably doesn't deserve that. You can't control their feelings for him, but what you can do is focus on how many people love YOU and adore YOU and are BIG FANS OF YOURS. (I'd be one of them).

Don't read that, don't look at those pictures - just walk away babe and be happy.

Love you!

Amy said...

So sorry. He doesn't deserve to be happy or have kids that love him. It has to be so difficult to see that. The best thing is to never look at those pictures or comments again. You are right - it only hurts you. You don't deserve anymore hurt.