Friday, January 16, 2009

I don't know if I'll ever be over it

Everytime I think I am over it, something happens to bring back it all back. Recently there have been several of my old classmates posting pictures and stuff on FB. Old pics for high school, junior high, and even a few from elementary. Pics from school dances, junior/senior prom, graduation celebration photos, just memories from our teenage years. The problem, I don't have any of those memories. I was never allowed to go to prom, school dances, or project graduation. I wasn't allowed to spend the night with a friend or have a friend over for the weekend. Hell I wasn't even allowed to have a friend call me and God forbid that I ran into someone I knew from school at the grocery store or something. I would have to hang my head like I didn't see them and pray that they didn't speak to me.

I didn't realize until later exatly how much I missed out on. I never got to be a teenager. I wasn't allowed to do the things that normal teenagers done. No going out on dates, no hanging out at the mall with my friends, no movies or sleep-overs. I was too busy cooking and cleaning. Too busy being beaten and molested.

The night I graduated turned out to be one of the worst nights of my life. A memory I wish I could forget. I waited so long for that day for it to be ruined by my father. I woke up that morning about 4:00 a.m. with strep throat. I spent several hours in the ER that morning and then most of the day in bed sick. I also turned 18 that day. My 18th birthday, it was supposed to be so special right? Wrong! At 7:00 that night I went to graduation. I was very sick but determined to walk across that stage. After we had all walked across the stage and gotten our blank peices of paper, my mom came to me and told me that my daddy (the man that raised me and is still my daddy to this day) was looking for me. My father was standing there and he got that look, I knew that I was in trouble. I went with my mom and found my daddy. He hugged me and told me how proud he was of me and gave me a card with some money in it. I told him and my mom bye as I walked back towards my father. No celebrating with friends, I guess I was really too sick to anyway. I knew it was going to be bad but I didn't know how bad.

He yelled at me all the way home. Words I will never forget. I was so scared and so sick that I could barely keep my head up. When we walked into the house, he threw me to the floor. He cussed me and told me how awful I was. He ripped my clothes and then held a knife to my throat. It seems like that night lasted forever. Happy freaking 18th birthday and Happy graduation night! Yeah, those are the memories that I have.

No one I went to school with knows/knew what was happening to me. So many times I was asked to go places and do things and I always had an excuse. Seeing all of the old photos and the good times that they were having really makes me sad. My teenage years, the ones that everyone remembers as the good times, I wish I couldn't remember because those were the worst times of my life.

Every time I think I am over it. Every time I think I have forgiven him and moved on. Something else happens to bring it back up again. Will I ever be able to get over it? Will it haunt me for the rest of my life? Maybe, maybe not, I dont' know. There is one thing I do know though, my children, they will be teenagers and they WILL have good memories and that's a fact!


girl said...

I'm am so sorry and so angry he stole that day from you..

I don't have those memories either for different reasons however.. a constant love/hate relationship with FB for me. I have one friend from highschool.... I still don't know how he found me.

Anyway, hang in there... no one deserves that.

Tiffany said...

I am sad for you friend. What an amazing, beautiful, wonderful person, friend, mama, and woman you have become.

Love you!

juliaipsa said...

It's amazing how we persevere and make it through abuse. I don't know what to say except that I am so sad to hear this story about your 18th. I am angry on your behalf, disappointed by that father figure, but marvelled to see that you have become a beautiful person.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry you had to experience that. {{hugs}}