Thursday, April 3, 2008

Disturbing news!

The same week that Bubba got kidnapped, five years ago, I found out that I had a brother that I never knew about. Talk about a rough week, damn!
Apparently, my mother was sent to a home for unwed mothers and forced to give up her baby. She and my father had already divorced and it was just not acceptable back then for her to keep the baby, afterall, she was still a teenager. My mom had died 3 years before I got this news so I was pretty devastated that she died and never told me.

It took me some digging and a lot of praying, but almost a year to the day, I found my little brother. He lives about 2 hours from me and we now talk on a regular basis. He is a great guy, has a good life. He's happily married with 4 children and has really done good for himself. We are so much alike that it is scary.

I tried to do some digging and find out who his father was. I thought that I had pinned him down and was pretty certain that I was on the right track. I up and called the guy one day and gave him the shock of his life. After talking to him for about an hour, I wasn't sure. He acted really strange on the phone, was it because that he had lived with this secret for 27 years and never expected it to come out. Or was it that he never knew about it and was in shock? I really couldn't put my finger on it. I haven't talked to him since that day. I explained to him that my brother didn't want anything from him or anything, just to know where he came from. I can totally understand that but we left it alone. I had a gut feeling that he wasn't his dad anyway and deep down in my heart I believed something that I didn't ever want to let out.

Well, the other day, I was on the phone with the same person that told me about my brother to begin with. I trust this person with every fiber of my being. I don't remember how it came up but she told me who my brothers father is. She made me promise not to ever tell anyone and I agreed. Only now, I don't know if I can keep that promise. It is eating me up inside. Would anyone really benefit from knowing the truth? He is dead and my brother can never meet him anyway.

The man that fathered my brother, is my grandfather (Not my moms biological father). He molested my mother for years. Deep down in my heart I already knew this. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew it. Had she not told me this on the phone the other day, I NEVER would have ever said it out loud. I loved this man with all of my heart and he was never anything but wonderful to me but for some reason, I just knew that he fathered my brother.

Now it all makes sense. That is why they wouldn't let my mother keep the baby. They sent her to a home and forced her to give him up. She was always so partial to boys and now I know why. She gave up her first born son and had to live with that secret for all of those years. I can't imagine the pain she must have went through. It breaks my heart and I would give anything in this world to be able to talk to her and tell her how much I love her and that I don't blame her for what happened.

Do I tell my brother who his real father is? Do I take this information to the grave with me? I don't know what to do. It is eating me up inside. Does he have the right to know? This is so freaking hard!


Amy said...

Wow! That's some pretty serious stuff. If you tell your brother and it gets back to the person that told you, you might loose their trust. Maybe you can talk to the person that told you and explain how you are feeling.

Girl said...

Amy is right, you have really had some serious things. I didn't know... I am so sorry for everything you've had to endure.

As for your brother. I don't know... such a hard situation to be in. I wish you only the best and pray for a little peace in it all.

Tiffany said...

Wow sweetie. That is a lot to carry. I have zero advice on this one. I hope that you get some peace.

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Harmony said...

Tough one. The only advice I would have is that if you're not going to tell him, you might not want this entry to stay up.... I'm sure this isn't how you would mean for him to find out, and the internet can surprise you sometimes...
Hope you can find an acceptable resolution.

Jess said...

That is terribly hard. Just {{hugs}} and lots of prayers.

gooksu said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through so much growing up. I wish I had some profoundly great advice for you but it seems to me that you have come very far by making all the right decisions so I trust that you will do what is right.
You are such a strong woman and I am proud to know you.