Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It's almost here!

One month from today, my birthday, Bubba gets out of school for the summer. I can't wait and neither can he. He is counting the days. Field trips, track and field day, end of the year party, it is all starting to happen. I know he has to go to school and some days I am ready for him to get out of my hair, but I like it when he is at home.

I can't believe I am saying this but I am ready for baseball season to come to an end too. We have a sucky team this year and it is really hard to get into things when you are losing all the time. We have a 3-6 record right now and it is draining. For the first time since Bubba started playing, our team won't have a good enough record for us to win rights to coach the All-Star team. I know that Bubba will still make the team and all but it just won't be the same. It is so hard to sit in the stands and be quiet and not let that coach mentality take over.

I have so much I want to do with the kids this summer. Hopefully Sister will start walking soon. I want to take them to the park and to the zoo. Museums and water parks. I am ready to just be mom for awhile. I try to juggle too much at one time and I am exhausted. I am tired of schedules and ready to just wing it for a bit. I know with gas prices sky rocketing and only getting worse, we will have to plan our activities carefully but we will manage. I can't wait for summer!!! Bring it on!!!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I miss him!

Bubba went out of town to a baseball tournament today. He rode with a friend and was looking forward to playing. He just so happened to be playing in the town where my dad and step-mom live, so they went and watched him play and then took him to their house for a sleep-over. It has been a long time since he spent the night with them and he was really excited about it. I am sure he is fine and really enjoying himself but I miss him. I know he is growing up and I must let him do so but it doesn't mean that I have to like it, right?

Dad called as soon as Bubba's last game was over. He said that Bubba did very well. He got two doubles, 3 RBI's, a single and two runs. Papaw was proud of his grandson! They lost their first game and won their second one so they are in 2nd place right now. Sister and I will be going to watch him play tomorrow. I just can't miss two days in a row. If they win their first game then they will be playing one more game for the championship. I hope they win, they need a big win to boost their spirits.

Sister is still not walking. I am not sure if she will ever walk. She has been pulling up and standing for months now but shows no interest at all in walking. I was in no hurry for her to walk at first but now I am getting a little anxious. I was sure that she would be walking by her first birthday. Bubba walked at 10 months and while I try not to compare, it is hard not to sometimes. I could be wrong and she could start walking tomorrow, who knows. I know that they all do things in their own time and at their own pace, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

She is developing quite the personality. She talks non-stop. It is so cute how she babbles and "talks" to herself. Sometimes I wish I knew what she was saying and then other times, I think maybe I don't want to know what she is saying, lol. Her new thing this week is to fake laugh when you laugh at her. It is so funny to watch her learn and grow. God really blessed us with a beautiful, lovely child. I thank God for her and Bubba every day. What would my life be without my children? Boring, I assure you, it would be boring. They are the light of my life!!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

You just never know what someone else is living

He missed several practices and the first three ballgames, then decided to show up to Friday's game, just as the game was getting started. I was really aggravated that he showed up on me at the last minute because I had to make adjustments and I HAVE to play him even though he hasn't been there in weeks. He showed up, half dressed, no baseball glove, and no glasses. It isn't fair to the other boys that show up for practice and are always there early and give 100%. Then I spoke to his "mother."

This poor kid has had it tough. His biological mother is in prison, again, for the 4Th time. His "mother" has only had him and his two younger brothers for 2 yrs. The state took them away from the biological mother because she sat in the parking lot of the hospital, in labor, and refused to go in until she finished her last hit of crack. This child and his siblings were all born addicted to crack cocaine, have lived in numerous different homes, many different environments, are all on medication, and never had what one would call a stable home. His "mother" is actually a friend of the family, obviously down on her luck too, and I could be wrong, but from what I gather, only took these kids in so that she can collect a check from the state so that she too may buy her crack cocaine.

What, I repeat, WHAT are people thinking? Why do people like this continue to have children? Why doesn't the state require these women to have their tubes tied or some sort of mandatory birth control? Why are they allowed to keep spitting out babies, addicted to God only knows what, and keep drawing checks from the state? I feel so terribly sorry for these kids. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and they don't stand much of a chance at a normal life, ever. Their real chance at life is taken away from them before they ever even get here. It is so sad.

Now I am in a really tough position. I have 10 other boys on the team. All they know is that this kid shows up after being MIA for 2 weeks and enters the game, makes a HUGE mistake on the bases and causes a train wreck. He gets to play just as much as the ones that show up to every practice and every game and some of them get a little bitter about it. How do I make 10 yr old boys understand without saying too much? Is it my place to explain to them the situation? Should I call each individual parent, explain this kids circumstances and leave it up to each parent to explain to their kids what is going on with Randy? I explained it to Bubba, and told him the truth as I know it. It really saddened him and he completely understands but I am not sure that some of the others will. Bubba has a big heart and I am really proud of him. Even though he understands that it is not Randy's fault that he doesn't show up for practice, it is not his fault that he doesn't make it to the game early like everyone else, and it is not his fault that he doesn't have someone to get outside and play catch with when he gets home from school, he is still just a 9 yr old boy, so how much does he REALLY understand?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Disturbing news!

The same week that Bubba got kidnapped, five years ago, I found out that I had a brother that I never knew about. Talk about a rough week, damn!
Apparently, my mother was sent to a home for unwed mothers and forced to give up her baby. She and my father had already divorced and it was just not acceptable back then for her to keep the baby, afterall, she was still a teenager. My mom had died 3 years before I got this news so I was pretty devastated that she died and never told me.

It took me some digging and a lot of praying, but almost a year to the day, I found my little brother. He lives about 2 hours from me and we now talk on a regular basis. He is a great guy, has a good life. He's happily married with 4 children and has really done good for himself. We are so much alike that it is scary.

I tried to do some digging and find out who his father was. I thought that I had pinned him down and was pretty certain that I was on the right track. I up and called the guy one day and gave him the shock of his life. After talking to him for about an hour, I wasn't sure. He acted really strange on the phone, was it because that he had lived with this secret for 27 years and never expected it to come out. Or was it that he never knew about it and was in shock? I really couldn't put my finger on it. I haven't talked to him since that day. I explained to him that my brother didn't want anything from him or anything, just to know where he came from. I can totally understand that but we left it alone. I had a gut feeling that he wasn't his dad anyway and deep down in my heart I believed something that I didn't ever want to let out.

Well, the other day, I was on the phone with the same person that told me about my brother to begin with. I trust this person with every fiber of my being. I don't remember how it came up but she told me who my brothers father is. She made me promise not to ever tell anyone and I agreed. Only now, I don't know if I can keep that promise. It is eating me up inside. Would anyone really benefit from knowing the truth? He is dead and my brother can never meet him anyway.

The man that fathered my brother, is my grandfather (Not my moms biological father). He molested my mother for years. Deep down in my heart I already knew this. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew it. Had she not told me this on the phone the other day, I NEVER would have ever said it out loud. I loved this man with all of my heart and he was never anything but wonderful to me but for some reason, I just knew that he fathered my brother.

Now it all makes sense. That is why they wouldn't let my mother keep the baby. They sent her to a home and forced her to give him up. She was always so partial to boys and now I know why. She gave up her first born son and had to live with that secret for all of those years. I can't imagine the pain she must have went through. It breaks my heart and I would give anything in this world to be able to talk to her and tell her how much I love her and that I don't blame her for what happened.

Do I tell my brother who his real father is? Do I take this information to the grave with me? I don't know what to do. It is eating me up inside. Does he have the right to know? This is so freaking hard!