Sitting at the bar in the kitchen, enjoying each other's conversation, and then, he slipped up. One too many cold ones and his lips got a little loose. The t.v. was on and a commercial about a new game show came on. I am not sure of the name of the show but it had the host asking people really personal questions like: If you thought you could get away with it would you cheat on your spouse? He said all of the right things: I would NEVER cheat on you, even if I thought you would never find out. I love you too much and I could never live with myself. My conscious wouldn't let me do something like that. You mean too much to me to ever take a chance at destroying what we have. My head was swelling and I was feeling little butterflies inside. He really loves me. He would never cheat on me. I am a lucky woman.
And then, he said it. The words that would cut right throught my heart and tear me down like I had been hit by a truck. "Sure I have thought about it, you know, like when a good looking woman walks by or something, I think to myself, I would like to bang her, but I would never do it. Hell, I am a man, men think about doing it with other women but it doesn't mean I would ever act on it."
What did he just say? Did he really just say what I think he said? I got up out of my seat and mumbled as I walked by him, you disgust me, and went straight to bed. I have always heard that when you are drinking, the truth comes out. I am not so sure he wanted that truth to come out. When he saw the look on my face, he knew that he had screwed up. He knew that he had said something that he never should have said. But, it was too late. The damage was done. He may not have done it but he has done it in his heart. To me, that is enough.
I have thought about it for days now and it has almost consumed me. I feel like I will never be good enough. No matter what, I will never be thin enough, never pretty enough, never satisfy him enough. If he has to think about doing it with other women then I am just not good enough. "I am a man," wtf kind of excuse is that? I see men everyday, I coach with dozens of men all the time. There are even several of them that I find very attractive, but I have NEVER, and I do mean NEVER, wondered what it would be like to sleep with one of them.
I love him too much. He satisfies me. I do not need to think of anyone else. How do I get past this? Why has it hurt me so deeply? Is this normal? Is he right? Are all men like this? If so, then how do I ever feel like I am enough? The thought of him touching me now disgusts me. I don't know how to move past this.
On one hand, it makes me want to get up off of my butt and get my figure back and become the best looking thing he has ever seen, then on the other hand I want to sit on my fat ass and wallow in self pitty and just get bigger, fatter, uglier.
We have not spoken about that night since it happened. I have not allowed him to touch me, not even to hug me when he leaves. We aren't fighting, just not loving either, if that makes sense. I bet he wishes he could take back what he said, but he doesn't wish it any more than I do.
I have been beaten, molested, and abused but I don't know that I have ever been hurt so deeply.