I had just laid Sister down for her evening nap, Bubba was in the shower, Hubs and I were talking, and then the call came. On the other end, it was him. He says my name, "Yes," I replied. This is .... I was in a bit of shock and not exactly sure what to say. Do I just hang up, do I listen to what he has to say, there were a million things running through my mind in that short period of time. Then he began.
He began to tell me how terribly sorry he was for all of the pain that he had caused me and for all of the pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. He said that he couldn't even begin to imagine what he put me through and what I had to deal with on a daily basis. He began to sob and said it over and over again, I'm so sorry. He began to tell me how he had a hard time dealing with what he had done and it was eating him up inside. He said that only by the Grace of God was he able to go on. He said that he knew no matter how many times he told me he was sorry or how badly he wanted to take it all back, that he couldn't and that it wouldn't make my pain go away. Knowing that I was okay and at peace was something that he really needed to hang onto. I didn't speak much, I just listened.
Halloween night, all of the offenders in the area were on lock down for 4 hours. The counselor called him and asked him if he would speak to the other offenders. He gladly took on the task and took great pride in speaking to them and trying to make them understand what they had done to their victims. If he could help save one person, or heal one mind, it was all worth it. As he is telling me these things, my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I am not sure what to think, I am not sure how to feel. I believe that he is sorry and I believe that he is sincere but what I am not sure of is this: Is he most sorry that he feels so guilty for destroying my life, or is his most sorry that he destroyed my life? This, I will have to ponder on for awhile.
He wanted to make sure that I was okay, well, as okay as one can be after having had gone through what I went through. I assured him that I was good. Life is good! I told him how it once consumed me and controlled me but never, would I ever, allow that to happen again. I have taken control over my life and I have two amazing children to raise, I can't let my past take over me anymore. The truth is, I do still feel the pain and I do still hurt deep down inside and no one will ever understand completely. He wanted me to say that I forgive him, I could tell that he was waiting for those words. I think that I have forgiven him but I can not be certain.
I am not sure what to do about this phone call. I am not sure how I feel about it. Did it help me? Did it hurt me? I honestly don't know, I am still a little numb this morning and must do some soul searching. I know that what I really must do is humble myself and let God speak to me. I need to get on my knees and do some serious praying and talking to God. Have I really forgiven him or is it something that I just tell myself so that I may cope? I think for me to completely heal I must find these answers. There is one thing that I do know, if anyone ever tried to do to one of my children, what was done to me, I would kill them with my bare hands. No one should ever, ever have to live with pain like this. No one!