Sunday, January 20, 2008

Bubba had company!

As we left practice Friday night, Bubba asked if one of his teammates could spend the night. It has been a really long time since he has had a friend over. In the old house, we just didn't have room and I was just too ashamed of the cluster to allow someone to come over. So, I said yes! Now that we are in the new house, we have plenty of room and Bubba has a bedroom that he can be proud of.

We played our second weekend of basketball yesterday and the boys did good. We won 24-11. Bubba scored 8 pts and had 2 assists. I was really proud of him, well not just him, the team did a bang up job. After the game, his buddy came home with us and the fun began. He and Bubba played video games and watched t.v. I made nachos and snacks for them. They really had a good time. Today, when it was time for C to go home, he asked if Bubba could go with him. So, now he is at his friends house. He has had a good weekend. I hate letting him go off because I am such a control freak but I know it is good for him and it makes him happy to spend time with his friends. No school tomorrow so he may as well spend the day having fun with his buddy instead of hanging out at home with me and Sister.

Sister is really coming into her own little person. She is developing such a personality. It is amazing to watch a little one grow. Children are such miracles. She has learned to raise her arms when she wants me and that makes my heart feel good. She is trying to crawl but does more crawfishing backwards than anything. I am in no hurry for her to get completely mobile though. She can already scoot from one side of the room to the other in just a matter of minutes. I love that girl. My kids make me happy and I don't know how anyone could ever live without the sweetness of children in their lives.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

He's sorry!

I had just laid Sister down for her evening nap, Bubba was in the shower, Hubs and I were talking, and then the call came. On the other end, it was him. He says my name, "Yes," I replied. This is .... I was in a bit of shock and not exactly sure what to say. Do I just hang up, do I listen to what he has to say, there were a million things running through my mind in that short period of time. Then he began.

He began to tell me how terribly sorry he was for all of the pain that he had caused me and for all of the pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. He said that he couldn't even begin to imagine what he put me through and what I had to deal with on a daily basis. He began to sob and said it over and over again, I'm so sorry. He began to tell me how he had a hard time dealing with what he had done and it was eating him up inside. He said that only by the Grace of God was he able to go on. He said that he knew no matter how many times he told me he was sorry or how badly he wanted to take it all back, that he couldn't and that it wouldn't make my pain go away. Knowing that I was okay and at peace was something that he really needed to hang onto. I didn't speak much, I just listened.

Halloween night, all of the offenders in the area were on lock down for 4 hours. The counselor called him and asked him if he would speak to the other offenders. He gladly took on the task and took great pride in speaking to them and trying to make them understand what they had done to their victims. If he could help save one person, or heal one mind, it was all worth it. As he is telling me these things, my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I am not sure what to think, I am not sure how to feel. I believe that he is sorry and I believe that he is sincere but what I am not sure of is this: Is he most sorry that he feels so guilty for destroying my life, or is his most sorry that he destroyed my life? This, I will have to ponder on for awhile.

He wanted to make sure that I was okay, well, as okay as one can be after having had gone through what I went through. I assured him that I was good. Life is good! I told him how it once consumed me and controlled me but never, would I ever, allow that to happen again. I have taken control over my life and I have two amazing children to raise, I can't let my past take over me anymore. The truth is, I do still feel the pain and I do still hurt deep down inside and no one will ever understand completely. He wanted me to say that I forgive him, I could tell that he was waiting for those words. I think that I have forgiven him but I can not be certain.

I am not sure what to do about this phone call. I am not sure how I feel about it. Did it help me? Did it hurt me? I honestly don't know, I am still a little numb this morning and must do some soul searching. I know that what I really must do is humble myself and let God speak to me. I need to get on my knees and do some serious praying and talking to God. Have I really forgiven him or is it something that I just tell myself so that I may cope? I think for me to completely heal I must find these answers. There is one thing that I do know, if anyone ever tried to do to one of my children, what was done to me, I would kill them with my bare hands. No one should ever, ever have to live with pain like this. No one!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Whoa, we've got a team!


With Bubba being sick for 3 days, one of our starting line-up out of town and another of our team members being grounded and unable to attend the game, I was sure that we were destined to lose this weekend. Much to my surprise, the boys stepped up. The first game was a masacre. We won 24-3. Bubba wasn't his normal, juking and jiving, scoring self but he hung in there. He was weak and tired from being sick but he didn't let it stop him completely. Game one was against a much weaker team and though I was proud of them for winning, I knew that the next game was going to be a tough one.
The coach of the other team was one of my good friends and his team was loaded. He called me the day of the draft and bragged about the players he had on his team. I must admit that I was a bit intemidated. I was looking for a score much like the first game, only in their favor this time. The game started out pretty ugly. They had us down 7-0 at the end of the first quarter. The coach of the other team was so excited and feeling like he had already won. He has never beaten me in basketball before. Baseball, yep, a time or two, but basketball, never even come close. My boys started out the 2nd quarter on fire. We came back and had took the lead 16-13 at the half. I couldn't believe it. Playing with only 6 boys, having already played one game, while their players were fresh, we were leading them. Wow! I was so proud of my boys. We kept the lead through the 3rd quarter and then fatigue started to set in. We missed a few free throws and let them dominate us on the offensive end. The final score was 27-24. They won, but I was SO proud of my boys. We may have came out with a loss in the record book but we came home with in a win in MY book. They played their hearts out and had we had our full team there and not just came off of another game, we would quite possibly could have won that game.
I don't like to look at "what if's" but in this case, I can definately look back and say that if we had our full team and Bubba had been on his game, wow, the outcome would have been different. I am sure that we will see this team again in the play-offs. I am looking forward to it.
My boys played as a team, no ball hogging, no complaining, just played a great game of basketball. Passing, shooting, helping each other out on both ends of the court. I feel like I have done my job. I have taught them something and I am proud of each and every one of them! Way to go Bearkats!

Friday, January 11, 2008

What a day! What a day!

I took Bubba to the Dr. Wedesday and he has strep throat. He had 103 fever when we got there. Oye! He is on antibiotics and felling much, much better now. I kept him out of school again today. He begged to go, knowing that he missed two tests on Thursday and that he would miss two tests today. It is the end of the 6 weeks grading period and the end of the 1st Semester. I assured him that he could make those tests up on Monday and all would be well.

Tomorrow is our first basketball game and I am still not sure if I am going to let him play. We will be short handed and I really need him but I don't want him to relapse either. I guess we will have to wait and see. I told him that I may not make a decision until just before game time. He has been stuck in the house the past couple of days and it is about to drive him nuts. He is really outgoing and likes to run and play. Being confined to your room for days, at the age of 9, is not fun.

Oh, and just for the record, the Reading test that I thought he was trying to skip out on, he made a 98 on it. I really shouldn't second guess him, I know that he is a smart boy. I guess we have just had some bumps in the road lately and I just wasn't sure. He assured me that he was going to do better and until he proves otherwise, I should trust him. He really is a good boy and I am blessed to be his mother.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

This mom thing, it's tough stuff!

Bubba woke up this morning, crying, saying he had a sore throat. I looked at his throat and it looked a little red but nothing too serious. I think he may have slept with his mouth open and his throat got a little dry. He didn't feel like he had fever but I could be wrong. The thermometer is still at the old house so I must make an attempt to go get that today.
Bubba has a big test today and I am not sure if he was trying to get out of taking that test today or if his throat was really as sore he said it was. He made a 105 on his Science test yesterday and really seems to be making an effort to make better grades. The Reading test today is a big one and could make or break his grade for the 6 weeks reporting period. We studied the material several times last night and I think he knows it all but he knows that there is a lot riding on this test.
I remember being in school and dreading taking a big test and would "play" sick on test day so that I could have another day to study, but that was in High School. I made him go to school. If he is really as sick as he says he is then I am going to feel horrible and be worst mom of the year. He has to stay at school until 10:00 a.m. in order to get counted as present for the day so I told him to at least try and make it until then and if he just can't make it to go to the nurses office and get checked out.
This test is such a big test because he knows that if he doesn't make a good grade then he can't play in our first basketball game this Saturday. I hate putting pressure like that on him but I have to take a stand somewhere. He has been acting out and not making his kind of grades because of attention issues. I think that we have addressed those issues and Hubs and I have really been trying to show extra attention to him and put forth the extra effort.
This thing called parenting, it is tough stuff. I really want to be the best mom that I can be and I want my kids to know that I put forth every effort to do the best that I can. I just wonder if that is enough. I look back on my childhood and I try to remember how tough things were and how I wish my mom had done some things differently. I try not to make the same mistakes that she made. I try to learn from her mistakes and of course make my own, but I try to keep those to a minimum.

It is really important to me to be a great mom. My mom was my best friend. I hope that my kids can feel that way about me someday. Just days before she died, she wrote me a letter. In that letter, she asked me to forgive her for all of her short comings and told me how proud of me she was for being a great mom. She made mistakes and was not perfect but it wasn't until after she was gone that I realized how great she really was. She spent her entire life taking care of someone. She really tried to be a good mom. She did all of the little things that not all moms did. She started out very young and had lots of growing up to do herself but she always, and I mean always, made time for us. She always stood up for us and we knew that we could count on her no matter what. I just hate that it took her dying for me to realize all of the sacrifices that she made and all that she gave up for us kids. In the letter she wrote me, she said that she wished that she could have been as good of a mom as I was. I say, if I turn out to be half the mom that she was, I have made an accomplishment. I will use her mistakes as learning tools and try not to make those but I will make mistakes of my own. In the end, I just want my kids to know that I love them and will do anything in my power to make their lives as happy and pain free as I possibly can. Being a mom is tough stuff but there is nothing more rewarding in this world.

UPDATE:

So, I got a phone call at 10:35 a.m. He was in the nurses office, had fever, still had the sore throat and was being sent home. I picked him up, stopped by the corner store and got him an Icee. Poor thing, he wasn't faking this morning, he really was sick. I took his temp and he has 101 fever. Hubs is in town and on his way home with meds for Bubba. Gah, Mother of The Year, I am NOT! :(

Monday, January 7, 2008

Going back to work

I love my husband and I love that he has been able to spend some quality time with us the past few weeks but, sheesh, he has really gotten on my nerves. He goes back to work tomorrow and I can't wait. My bed never got made today because his butt never got out of it long enough for me to make it. Every time I got the kitchen clean, he would come through and get something to eat or drink and mess things up all over again. I normally is very active and what I would consider a workaholic, but the last couple of days he has been a couch potato and it is driving me nuts. Go back to work dude, and make us some money, lol.

MIL called this morning and wanted to talk to Hubs. I took him the phone and told him that it was his mother. When he got off of the phone he asked me why I hated his mother. What? What do you mean? I don't hate your mother. What did I do to make you say that? Did she say something? No, she didn't say anything, I can just tell by the look on your face whenever she calls or when you are around her. I denied it and told him that he was crazy and he finally just dropped it. I don't "hate" her, but I do not like her very much anymore. I really really thought that I was hiding the fact but I guess not. I hate that I feel the way I do about her because she really is a good person but she hurt me so badly and I just can't seem to get over it.
She is so judgemental and gossips more than anyone I have ever seen in my entire life. She is always talking about her granddaughter in-law and how horrible her house is and how she is lazy and so on and so forth. It just makes me wonder what she says about me when I'm not around. I wish that I could get over my resentment or whatever it is that I feel for her but I just can't. Before I got pregnant, she and I had a wonderful relationship, but it has all fallen apart and the mere sight of her or the sound of her voice makes me sick now.
It is really hard to forgive someone for hurting you when you constantly hear them talking about other people and know in the back of your mind that they are talking about you too. She needs to stop preaching so much and start listening to her own advice.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

It breaks my heart


My little brothers wife called this morning and wanted to come over. Now that I have a bigger house with more room, I don't mind the company every now and then. She and the boys (my two nephews) were bored and wanted to come and visit. She said that she would meet me in town and that she had a special surprise for me. I couldn't imagine what it could be and she wouldn't give me a hint at all.

We met up at the grocery store and much to my surprise, she had my niece with her. The little girl that I had pretty much raised for the first 3 1/2 yrs of her life. I very rarely get to see her now. Once, maybe twice a year. My little sister lost custody of her several years ago and her bio father and step mother don't let her visit us much. Bubba and I were very happy to see her and she was just as excited to see us. We spent most of the afternoon together in town and then came back to my house.

Bubba and Bre had a great time and really enjoyed each other's company. There are only 9 months between them and they were as close as any brother and sister could ever be. She is older than Bubba but Bubba outgrew her several years ago. He's a big boy.

While I was cooking dinner and the boys were playing, she came into the kitchen and sat at the bar to talk. At first she just sat and watched me and then she began to talk. She said that she really missed us a lot and wished that she still lived with us. She said that she hates not getting to see us. Then her cell phone rang. She rolled her eyes and got up and walked away as she answered. On the other end of the line was her mother (step-mom). Once she got off of the phone with her she said that she had already called her 12 times since we had been home. WHAT? WHY? We had only been home about 2 hours. Was something wrong?

She sat back down at the bar and began to cry. She said that her "mother" wanted to make sure that her REAL mother (my sister) hadn't come over. She was not allowed to see her or talk to her. If she were to see her she was to turn her back and walk away. I was in shock. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. She said that when they are in front of other people that her parents will tell her that it is her choice whether she sees her mom or not but when they are at home alone they have instructed her to never see her and never talk to her again. They have told her that her mom is a horrible person and that she doesn't love her. I asked her what she thought and what she wanted to do and she started crying again and said that she wanted to see her mom and that she missed her. It has been almost 2 years since she has seen her or spoken to her. They will not allow it.

My little sister has never won a mother of the year award and will never be a June Cleaver, but it is not my sister that they are hurting. It is an innocent 10 year old girl that they are destroying. They will live to regret it one day. I love that little girl so much and I miss her terribly. It just breaks my heart what they are doing to her. I truly hope that she doesn't grow up to hate her parents for what they have done to her. I pray that she and my sister can someday reunite and start a new relationship.

Friday, January 4, 2008

I will never be good enough

Sitting at the bar in the kitchen, enjoying each other's conversation, and then, he slipped up. One too many cold ones and his lips got a little loose. The t.v. was on and a commercial about a new game show came on. I am not sure of the name of the show but it had the host asking people really personal questions like: If you thought you could get away with it would you cheat on your spouse? He said all of the right things: I would NEVER cheat on you, even if I thought you would never find out. I love you too much and I could never live with myself. My conscious wouldn't let me do something like that. You mean too much to me to ever take a chance at destroying what we have. My head was swelling and I was feeling little butterflies inside. He really loves me. He would never cheat on me. I am a lucky woman.
And then, he said it. The words that would cut right throught my heart and tear me down like I had been hit by a truck. "Sure I have thought about it, you know, like when a good looking woman walks by or something, I think to myself, I would like to bang her, but I would never do it. Hell, I am a man, men think about doing it with other women but it doesn't mean I would ever act on it."
What did he just say? Did he really just say what I think he said? I got up out of my seat and mumbled as I walked by him, you disgust me, and went straight to bed. I have always heard that when you are drinking, the truth comes out. I am not so sure he wanted that truth to come out. When he saw the look on my face, he knew that he had screwed up. He knew that he had said something that he never should have said. But, it was too late. The damage was done. He may not have done it but he has done it in his heart. To me, that is enough.
I have thought about it for days now and it has almost consumed me. I feel like I will never be good enough. No matter what, I will never be thin enough, never pretty enough, never satisfy him enough. If he has to think about doing it with other women then I am just not good enough. "I am a man," wtf kind of excuse is that? I see men everyday, I coach with dozens of men all the time. There are even several of them that I find very attractive, but I have NEVER, and I do mean NEVER, wondered what it would be like to sleep with one of them.
I love him too much. He satisfies me. I do not need to think of anyone else. How do I get past this? Why has it hurt me so deeply? Is this normal? Is he right? Are all men like this? If so, then how do I ever feel like I am enough? The thought of him touching me now disgusts me. I don't know how to move past this.
On one hand, it makes me want to get up off of my butt and get my figure back and become the best looking thing he has ever seen, then on the other hand I want to sit on my fat ass and wallow in self pitty and just get bigger, fatter, uglier.
We have not spoken about that night since it happened. I have not allowed him to touch me, not even to hug me when he leaves. We aren't fighting, just not loving either, if that makes sense. I bet he wishes he could take back what he said, but he doesn't wish it any more than I do.
I have been beaten, molested, and abused but I don't know that I have ever been hurt so deeply.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Finally back on the net!

The move went well. We have been in the new house a little over a week and I am so in love with all of this room. I still have a lot to do to get the place looking like I want it to but that is going to take time. I wish that I could just snap my fingers and have everything done but that is not realistic so I will have to be patient and take small steps to get to where I want things to be.

Christmas wasn't too bad. I must admit that I was dreading it somewhat but it all turned out fairly well. We went to MIL's Christmas Eve night and Christmas afternoon and then my dad, brother and his family all came to our new home Christmas evening. I really enjoyed hosting them. We had a really good time and the kids enjoyed themselves. I took a little time in between it all to take a walk and talk to my mom. I could be completely wrong but I honestly feel like she can hear me and it helps me to keep believing that so I hang onto it with everything I've got. I will never stop missing her and I will never stop talking to her. I guess it is my own way of keeping her alive in my heart and in my mind.

Bubba was tickled to death over the Wii and the Fathead. He was so proud! Seeing my kids happy, makes me happy. Bubba, Hubs, and I have played Wii until our arms are sore and ready to fall off. Bowling, Tennis, Golf, Baseball, wow, who knew how out of shape we were until we got started playing Wii. It is good for us though, we needed to get up off of our butts and do soemthing. What better way to exercise than having fun huh?

I had to take Sister to the ER yesterday. Seems that she has a viral infection that caused her to break out in a rash and cause her whoha to become swollen. I am so overly cautious with her and she still got sick. Damn! She doesn't feel bad or act sick, just has an ugly rash on her belly, back, and diaper area. They said that it should start clearing in a couple of days. She was such a trooper and never even made a peep when they stuck the needle in her to draw blood. She just sat there looking around and smiling while they did their job. I was so shocked and so proud of her. She's a big girl! I don't think Bubba could have been that still and quiet, but of course he would never admit that. He really doesn't like needles.