Sunday, December 28, 2008

It's been 2 years

Exactly two years ago, I was a member of BBC. I was pregnant with Sister and had joined, not knowing what was in store for me next. Things got pretty heated on that board from time to time and people would get very ugly. Then one day, this really cool chick with gorgeous kiddos, posted a link to a new board. So, being the nosey butt that I am, I went and joined. As it turned out, 20 other July moms joined the board too. There were a total of 22 of us July moms that had once been on BBC and a handful of other moms that were all already friends.

I had no idea what was in store for me when I joined that board. There was no way of knowing that I would make lasting friendships and really come to love some of the ladies I would meet there. We shared a lot over the first year. We laughed together, we cried together, we shared pregnancy photos and personal information. Things I never thought I would do over the internet. It was really amazing! I guess I was a little blind and a bit naive though. One day, it all blew up!

A couple of members had a disagreement behind closed doors and before you know it, the board was split. One side of the argument chose to remain quiet and not speak of the "fight" while the other duo chose to go behind backs and start a new board. They emailed all of the ladies they wanted to join them, they told lies and stories of the "fight" and pretty much "stole" most of the July mommy's from the first board. It was really sad! A lot of people got hurt then and some are still trying to recover. I still don't understand exactly why the "fight" took place and I sure as heck don't understand why it escalated to the extent that it did. The truth is, it's really sad that so many ladies shared so much with each other only to end up hating each other in the end. Truth be told, it's all about control, and that, that is very sad.

I think the people that I feel the sorriest for are those that chose to listen to one side of the story and believe what they were told, rather than learn both sides of the story and deal with the truth. I will admit, it took me awhile before I learned both sides and formed my own opinion of the "truth." Once I did though, I felt so much better about everything. I never want to be a follower of hearsay. I like to think that I can form my own opinion and most of the time it works out just right.

Through it all, I have learned valuable lessons. I have made wonderful friends and lasting memories. I am lucky to have shared my life with such wonderful ladies. I remain friends with those that I choose and for the rest, well, I wish them the best. Now, I get to share another miracle baby with a wonderful group of ladies, some who were around for the last pregnancy and some whom I have became friends with since. I'm looking forward to this journey!

Friday, December 19, 2008

100 Things

Well here it is, my 100th post! I guess that means I need to post 100 things. This could take awhile, but here goes:

1. Me and both of my children are Gemini's.
2. It is possible that my third child will also be a Gemini.
3. I am a Dr. Pepper addict.
4. I really miss my mom a lot during the holidays.
5. Mom and I didn't always have the best relationship but she was my best friend when she died.
6. I still talk to my mom like she can hear me, kinda like when I talk to God.
7. Hubs and I met at the mall.
8. My first husband and I met in a bar.
9. I talk too much.
10. I have 4 brothers and two sisters, all of which are half siblings.
11. I didn't meet my oldest little brother until 2003.
12. My biological father molested me for over 4 years.
13. My pastor also molested me after I confided in him about my father.
14. For many years I was a very bitter person towards God.
15. I used to be a Pentecostal.
16. Even though I don't live it, I still believe many of the Pentecostal beliefs.
17. Meeting my biological father was the worst mistake I ever made in my life.
18. I really wish I had listened to my mom and stayed away from him.
19. Part of me still wants to talk to him.
20. Another part of me is creaped out by the sound of his voice.
21. My greatest fear is that one of my kids will die before I do.
22. My second greatest fear is that I will die before I get my kids raised.
23. My favorite colors are navy and orange.
24. My lucky # is 13.
25. Winning is important to me.
26. I had the same boyfriend all 4 years of high school.
27. I often wonder about him and how he's doing.
28. I never got to attend a high school prom.
29. Never attended a high school dance either.
30. I hated the color pink until I had Sister, now I love it.
31. I am scared to death that this baby will be born preemie too.
32. My 5th grade boyfriend turned out to be gay.
33. I drive a 4 door truck.
34. My self esteem has always been extremely low.
35. I tend to come across as arrogant when the truth is, I am very self conscious.
36. Clogging used to be a hobby of mine.
37. I was a member of the East Texas Cloggers for years.
38. I used to play the coronet.
39. I want to teach elementary school once my kids are all in school themselves.
40. I hate cats.
41. Snakes petrify me.
42. My kids give me hope.
43. My bff has become a rich snob.
44. I wear a size 9 shoe.
45. One boob is bigger than the other.
46. My husband is an alcoholic.
47. I'm scared of dying.
48. I'm scared to death of getting cancer.
49. I used to love Michael Jackson and Prince when I was a kid.
50. I thought George Michael was the sexiest man alive.
51. I used to skate so fast that I had to skate backwards during the races.
52. The skating rink was my favorite hang out during 6th and 7th grade.
53. When I was a kid I dipped snuff.
54. A girl hit on me once because she thought I was a boy.
55. I got my first ticket driving to driver's ed.
56. I burp like a man.
57. I don't get along with either of my little sisters.
58. I am the oldest of all my siblings.
59. I am 13 years older than my youngest brother.
60. My eyes are hazel.
61. I stole chalk from the grocery store when I was 4 and my nanny made me take it back.
62. The manager threatened to put me in jail and it scared me to death.
63. I super glued my 9th grade English teacher to her chair.
64. My first job was an otc clerk at Eckerd Drug.
65. I worked for Eckerd's for 5 years.
66. I am a certified Pharmacy Technician.
67. I've never had a one night stand.
68. I started smoking when I was 12.
69. I used to go to the bar looking for a fight.
70. Someday I'd like to learn to knit.
71. I used to go to Colorado on vacation every year.
72. Cleaning house is not my thing.
73. Dusting doesn't happen often enough at my house.
74. I don't want to be rich but I'd like to be comfortable.
75. I have more online friends than I do irl friends.
76. Teenagers scare me.
77. I want to be a better mom and a better wife.
78. I love watermelon.
79. I'm too loud most of the time.
80. I didn't willingly have sex with a guy until the week before I turned 21.
81. The older I get the curlier my hair gets.
82. Being a mom is the greatest gift I've ever received.
83. I didn't go to my high school reunion because I was too ashamed of the way I looked.
84. Having another c-section scares me.
85. Natural birth is the way I hope to go this time.
86. Forgiving is hard for me.
87. Loving is even harder.
88. I hug my hubby and kids but hugging adults comes extremely hard for me.
89. My children are my world.
90. I love to read but rarely have time for it.
91. Baseball is my favorite sport.
92. I'd love to be a high school softball coach when I grow up.
93. I graduated in the top half of my class.
94. There were 463 students in my graduating class.
95. I love turnip greens and cornbread.
96. I miss my sister even though we don't get along.
97. I pray to one day have a reunion with all of my living siblings.
98. I don't attend church regular because I am scared of getting hurt.
99. People think I'm a lot tougher than I really am.
100. I am so glad to finally get this done with!!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Christmas Is In The Air

A couple of weeks ago Bubba and I were out shopping. He saw me looking at some scarves and puting a few in my cart. I could see that he was in deep thought but I didn't say anything to him, and then, he quietly says, "Mom, can I buy a couple of those too?" I said of course, who would you like to buy them for? He wanted one for a "girlfriend" in Pennsylvania, one for a "girl" friend in his class, and then one for a girl that wasn't allowed to receive gifts.

He really likes this little girl at school. She's a super cute kid and always so polite and nice when I see her. She's a Jehovah's Witness and their religion doesn't celebrate holidays of any kind. No birthdays, no Thanksgiving or Christmas, nothing. So he was trying to figure out how he could buy Courtney a gift without it actually being a gift. He's a really sweet boy!

Courtney isn't allowed to come to school on days that they have school parties or any type of festivities so he knew that she wouldn't be attending school this Friday. They won't really be having a party but they are going to be watching Christmas movies and having refreshments. I really don't understand her religion but it kind of makes me feel sorry for her.

So anyway, Bubba decided that he would give her the scarf on the day of their field trip, which is tomorrow. The kids that participated in UIL competition are exempt from final exams so they get to go to the park and then to eat pizza. He said that he would put the scarf in his back pack and give it to her when they got to the park. It is supposed to be a windy, chilly day and he thinks that he can give it to her to keep her warm and pass it off as not actually being a "gift." I really hope that she accepts it. If she doesn't, or isn't allowed to, it is really going to break his heart.

I'm really proud of my boy! He has a big heart and thinks of others. That makes me really happy. It also bothers me to an extent. He really wants to please others and I worry that it may get him in trouble some day. I just have to pray that he doesn't let peer pressure get to him and that he does what he knows is right. I'm an over protective momma and I don't want my boy to get hurt!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Well Check???

So we go to the Dr. for our 18 month baby well check and leave with strep throat and a double ear infection? Why do they have toys and books in those Dr.'s offices? I tried really hard to keep her away from the toys, the magazines, the books, I just couldn't do it. She's a busy body and she touched stuff before I could get it out of her reach. I know I looked like the germaphobe mom but I knew that there were germs in that office and I didn't want her to get sick. She's been a very very healthy baby thus far. From now on I will carry a travel Lysol in my pocket and spray everything down. Seriously, I'm not joking one bit. This poor baby is S-I-C-K!!!! She can't swallow, she can't talk because her little throat hurts so bad. She coughs and she cries because it hurts so bad. Her ears hurt and her fever just won't stay down. I hate this!!! This is the first time that she has been really sick and I hope it is the last time for a very very long time.
Stupid Dr.'s office!!! I lay beside her and cry while she tosses and turns and whines because she feels bad and can't get comfortable. Why can't it be me instead of her? Poor baby!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Here we go again

It's time for basketball season again. Bubba is so excited! He has been ready for months. We've got a really good group of boys this year and we should do well. I am looking forward to the season starting but will be very sad to see it end. I am pretty certain that it will be the last time that I ever get to coach Bubba. I have coached him every season of baseball and basketball since he started at 4 yrs. old. I have already told him that baseball is out of the question in the spring. I coached while I was preggo with Sister but there is just no way that I can do it this time around. Chasing a toddler, being preggo and coaching 11 yr old boys, NAH!
Basketball season is only 6 weeks and I am going to do my best to make it memorable for Bubba and I. My coaching shoes will stay on the shelf for awhile but you can bet your bottom dollar that they will come out again when Sister is ready to play. I'm not really sure how to be a parent during a ballgame. It will be a new experience for me. Bubba has played on a tournament team or two and I haven't coached those tournament teams but that's kinda different. I've always coached his league teams and it will be strange sitting in the stands and not having any control over what goes on in the field or on the court.

Control is my problem. I admit it, I like being in control of things. I don't adapt well to change and I like to have the ball in my court so to speak. It's not just during a ball game but in all aspects of life. There was a time in my life where I had absolutely no control and now that I'm out of that situation and I have regained control of myself and my life, I like to keep it that way. As lame as it may sound, I have a hard time riding in someone elses vehicle. I like to be the one behind the wheel. I need that control. Gah, now that I actually type it out, I really need to work on that, lol. I'm a control freak!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

It's finally over

The papers are signed, sealed and in the mail. We have been dealing with this stupid I.R.S. audit for over 9 months now and it is FINALLY over. We ended up having to pay them $700 that we don't really have but it is almost worth it to finally get them off of our backs. Now hopefully we won't be audited again for, let's say, 100 years, lol.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's hard work!

I guess anyone with a uterus can become a mother but it takes patience and hard work to be a mommy. This raising kids stuff is hard work.
I could be one of those moms that just goes with the flow. You know, just lets their kids do whatever, whenever, and put little effort into their lives. But it's not how I tick. I want the best for my kids. I want to teach them to be strong, compassionate, God fearing people. Just getting by isn't good enough. You can't just float through life in this world. You have to work and you have to work hard if you want to be somebody, if you want to have something to be proud of.

Bubba is going through some things right now and I'm trying really hard to handle it all the best way that I know how. He's not being bad or getting in trouble. It's nothing like that. He's really a great kid and I am very proud of him. He's in Junior High now and it's a big transition from Elementary School. Being the youngest in the class is hard on him. Deep down I know that I did the right thing by letting him advance the way he has but sometimes, I must admit, I question myself. Straight A's have always came easy for him. Very little effort and minimal studying has been his way. Junior High is a little tougher. Not to mention that he is in all Pre-AP classes. He still made the honor roll this go round and I am proud of that but should I be content with his minimal effort? His Language teacher is worried about him because he has learned to do the bare minimum and just get by. He's happy with a B as long as he doesn't have to work at it. It really frustrates me because I have taught him to do better than "just getting by." If an 85 was the very best that he could do, I'd be very proud of him. But if an 85 is what he gets by being lazy and not putting forth any effort, should I still be proud? I think not! I want him to strive to be the best at whatever he does. Is it wrong for a mom to want her kids to actually work hard and do better for themselves?

Maybe I'm just being too hard on him. I just want to be the best mom that I can be and when he is grown and starting a family of his own, I want him to KNOW that I did all that I could do to help him to be the best that he can be. Are you sure that there are no manuals that come with these kids when we get em?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It's really starting to sink in now

We are going to have another baby! I never thought that I would be saying this. I admit, sometimes I thought that I wanted another one but then reality would strike and I would realize that we were done. Hubs was happy with two and I was content. We have a boy and a girl, how much more blessed could we be? Obviously God meant for us to have three. I was really in shock at first and it took a bit for it to sink in. Hubs, well he was in complete denial. How could this possibly have happened? We only went unprotected once! He's right, but obviously that's all it took. I never would have imagined it, but I am pregnant. We tried for years to have a baby and it just wasn't in the cards. The Dr. told me that my chances of conceiving were slim and none. Then there came Sister. She was our miracle baby! Now we are having another miracle baby! What are the odds? We are truly blessed!

Hubs is starting to finally come around. He wasn't so happy about it all at first but it is starting to sink in for him now. He came home yesterday and rubbed my belly and asked how his baby was doing. That made me feel so good! He's really a great daddy and he was so wonderful when I was preggo with Sister so I can only imagine he will be the same this time around.

It is a lot tougher being pregnant and trying to chase after a toddler. At least when I was preggo with Sister, Bubba was old enough to tend to himself and help me out if I needed it. Most of the time he was in school so if I wanted to nap, I could. If I wanted to lay around and do nothing, I could. Not this time around. Sister requires my full attention. She is such a busy body too. She keeps me really busy. I have a whole new respect for those of you that have been preggo while chasing around a toddler. It's hard work. I am so tired and sleepy but can't take a nap. Sister has some kind of built in radar that knows when I am exhausted because that is when she is going to be ripping and rearing to go. She's a mess! But a good mess, lol.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm It!

I've been tagged by Harmony In Motion. I've gotta tell 7 things about me as a teenager. Here goes:

1. I got my first ticket while driving to drivers ed.

2. I dated the same guy all through high school.

3. I missed almost the entire season of Basketball in the 8Th grade because I was being stupid. I was showing off and walking on my hands. I fell just right and snapped my wrist.

4. 10Th grade through 12Th grade I never made a B. All A's all three years.

5. When I was in the 9Th grade I got 15 pops in one day because of my smart mouth. It started out as 3 for chewing gum in Choir. Old lady Springfield gave me the first three and I laughed at her and asked her if she could do any better. By the time it was all over, I had been given a total of 15 pops by a total of 4 different people. And yes, I deserved it because of my smart mouth.

6. In high school the journalism building was my favorite hang out. That is where we all went to smoke. We would hide out back and smoke like we were cool or something.

7. I earned a 4 year scholarship to Oklahoma State for playing softball. My father wouldn't let me go and it crushed my dreams. It was always my dream to play softball in college and try out for the Olympic team.

Now I've gotta tag somebody.
How about:

Fertile Mertile
Clear Epic
and
Andria and Co.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My dear Mother in Law

I love you to the moon and back. I am very lucky to have a mil like you. You are a very kind and giving person and would do anything for me and my kids. Therefore, PLEASE stay at home every once in awhile. It really is not necessary for you to come and visit EVERY day. I am sure that there are plenty of chores that you could do around your house. Plenty of other people that you could go and visit. Give me a break! Please! Go visit someone else for awhile. You are really starting to wear on me. My patience is running thin. Isn't your plane scheduled to leave on the 14Th? Do you think that you could maybe get an earlier flight? Sister isn't going anywhere and you can see her when you get back. Spare my nerves woman!

Oh, and yes I know that Alex "sucks" on his momma. It's called breast feeding and it's a GOOD thing. What do you think God gave us those things for? To feed our babies. He's only 8 months old. I fed Sister until she was 13 months old and I didn't hear you complaining. It only makes me wonder what you were saying about me behind closed doors. Just because someone doesn't raise their child the way that you did doesn't mean that it isn't the right way. The only thing that I regret about nursing Sister is that I didn't do it longer.

Now please, while I still love you and adore you, GO VISIT SOMEONE ELSE!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Thanksgiving

Can you believe that it is just around the corner? That means Christmas will be here before we know it. I'm not prepared. How is it that the older you get the quicker time flies? The elders always said things like that and I always thought that they were silly. They were 100% right. Time goes by so quickly.

We are going to Midland again this year for Thanksgiving. I must admit, I am a bit excited. I'm not looking forward to the 9 hour drive but I can't wait to get there. Bubba can't wait either. He's hoping for another snow day. He's only seen snow twice in his life and the first time he was really too young to remember. He had a great time last year with the snow ball fights and building the huge snowman. Sister is big enough this year to really enjoy it too. Last year we made the mistake of driving home during an awful blizzard. By the time we got to Abilene the snow was so thick we could barely see to drive. It took us almost 13 hours to get home. This time, if it does snow, we aren't leaving until the snow lets up.

Hubs' sister is a great hostess. She's been preparing for our arrival for months. She can't wait for us to get there. We will only be there a few days but she has so many things planned for us to do. Of course we will be doing the early bird shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We have gotta hit those crazy sales and get all of those cool freebies, lol. I love Black Friday! I'm sure it will be really exciting trying to take Sister shopping at 5:00 a.m. Bubba will go with the men and hunt quail. He's never been quail hunting so he's a little excited about it. I hope he has a good time.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Truth

I think it's time that the truth came out. That's one good thing about this wonderful country we live in, we have the freedom of speech. Now that I've been banned from YYM I don't have to worry about stepping on any one's toes anymore. I can tell it as I see it and you can do with it as you wish.

First I would like to start by saying that it has been a pleasure sharing my pregnancy, my family, my children, and my life with you all. We have shared a lot of memories over the last two years, many that I will never forget. Thank you for sharing your lives and families with me. It has been an honor.
That being said; I feel like I need to get some things off of my chest. I am sure that once I say what I have to say, some of you will no longer like me, and that's okay. I will truly miss you girls! You've meant a lot to me. I hope that you keep in touch. For those of you that care not to keep in touch, I wish you the best.

I would like to talk about my ban from YYM. I honestly feel like I was wrongfully banned. I truly feel that I did absolutely nothing wrong to warrant being banned. I opened up a simple discussion on NMD. Never did I mention any one's name nor did I mention that it involved anyone from YYM. The ONLY person that knew who or what I was talking about was JB and she felt the need to run and tell ML. If I had mentioned names or anything of that nature then I can see her concern, but I did not. My feelings were VERY hurt by it. I thought that JB could be trusted but now I have found out that she has been reporting back to ML all along. Trying to keep the pot stirring instead of letting it die. I was also very hurt by the fact that no one ever asked me what I posted or anything about it. ML just took it upon herself to suspend me without ever questioning me about it. Then once my 10 day suspension was up she went ahead and completely banned me before I got a chance to take up for myself. If I remember correctly, a few months back when ML asked if it was okay to let Kat come back to the board, she stated that she thought that Girl had unfairly banned her. She said that Girl was being controlling and not asking the opinion of the other board members. The biggest complaint about Girl was that she was a "control freak." Well, pot meet kettle! First J and now me.

I was not really around when the "split" took place at NMD. I was in the middle of moving and taking care of family business. When I got back, I was shocked that LA and ML had left. I did not know what took place and nothing was ever posted on NMD telling anyone what happened. It was a month later that ML sent me the link to YYM and it was not until then that I heard the story for the first time. Since then I have heard the other side of the story too. I asked! Girl was/still is very hurt by the fact that no one bothered to ask her what happened. Everyone just bailed on her and followed ML and LA. There are two sides to every story and everyone should be given their fair shot to defend themselves. Girl took the high road and did not post about the squabble nor did she ever mention it. She honestly thought that it was something that could be worked out.

Girl and C have been nothing but good to me, as have most of you. It is just a shame that grown women can't get along and act like mature adults. No one is going to agree with everyone all of the time. It just isn't going to happen. However, we as adults should have enough mutual respect for one another to work out our differences. You all know the conversations that took place in "Smack Talk" on YYM. I can honestly say that there was NEVER any such topics on NMD. As for the accused stalkings. A is a grown woman and does whatever she wants whenever she wants. No one can control her. Girl, C, nor anyone else asks her to do the things she does, she just does them, and to hold anyone other than A responsible is just plain wrong. The blowing up of the websites. Ask M who started that. I just feel like Girl and C have been wrongfully accused of things and it is completely unfair that they were not allowed to defend themselves. Why not ask them what happened? Have enough respect for them to give them a chance to defend themselves.

During the Birthday buddies gift swapping, I made a mistake. Sisters birthday buddy was E.C. I thought that it was E.G. I was out of town on vacation, dealing with my depression issues, and came home to several very ugly PM's from LA. I admit it, I screwed up and didn't get E.C.'s gift out in time but LA was very rude to me and left me several very ugly messages. It really hurt my feelings but I didn't say anything. I was told that I screwed up E.C.'s special day by not sending her gift on time. I assure you that it was not on purpose!

I would also like to mention the "secret board" that was supposedly on NMD. Girl set that so called "secret board" up for her CO friends that she was friends with IRL. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. They shared personal information there that they were not comfortable sharing publicly yet. As soon as ML found out about it she pouted and wanted to be a part of it. Girl finally just disbanded the "secret board." It wasn't what ML made it out to be to begin with. I could go on and on but I don't want to repeat hearsay. My point is, ML said a LOT of very hateful things about Girl and she was never given the chance to defend herself. I just want you to stop and think how she must feel. Her "friends" that she supplied a board for and was responsible for getting together, just up and left her without every asking questions. Wouldn't your feelings be hurt too?

I am not and never will be the type of person to follow the leader just because everyone else is. I believe what I believe and I have that right. Why can't we just agree to disagree and handle it like mature adults? It is completely obvious that ML has serious control issues. She wants to be the "cool" girl. Well, you are the "cool" girl now. Enjoy yourself!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The Fair Just Isn't His Thing

Bubba has been begging all weekend to go to the fair. I'm cheap and didn't want to make two trips into town this weekend so I made him wait until today to take him. Besides, Sunday is cheap day and the lines aren't nearly as long.

As soon as we got there he took off for the Gee Whiz. It's a crazy ride that I would never get on in a million years cause I'm a wimp like that. He rode it three times in a row while Sister and I watched him. He rode several more rides before he took off for the Sliding Bobs. He waited it seems like forever. There was no line to get on the ride and he was one of the first to get on but the stupid idiots waited until the ride was full before they started it. Anyways, he rode while Sister and I walked around looking at all of the prizes and things. When Bubba got off of that ride he didn't look too happy. I asked him if it scared him and he said no, he was just mad that they made him wait so long. It was getting close to time for us to go so I told him he could ride 3-4 more rides and then we would have to go.

He saw the big Pirate Ship and headed that way. He had his hands in the air, waving and having a good time. At least I thought he was having a good time. As soon as he got off he started asking for something to drink. I said no, not yet, go ride a couple of more rides and we will get a drink on the way out. No mom, I'm done! I couldn't believe it. He was so excited about going and now he was ready to go before I had to drag him out??? He stopped and grabbed onto the fence, bent over and said that his stomach was hurting and he thought he was going to be sick. We waited a little while and he was feeling a little better so we headed for the truck.

Sister saw some stuffed animals and started pointing and jabbering so Bubba had to stop and win her a stuffed tiger. It was really sweet! We stopped and got a sprite on the way to the truck in hopes of settling Bubba's stomach. We barely made it to the truck when he got sick the first time. I loaded Sister up in the car seat, cranked the truck and turned on the A/C and Bubba still hasn't gotten into the truck. Poor kid was bent over beside the truck. Seven times he got sick before we finally got to leave. I felt really bad taking him to baseball practice after getting so sick but he said he was feeling better and he wanted to go.

The poor kid is like his mother. I'm a big wimp and won't even attempt those crazy rides. I KNOW I'll get sick. I gotta give him credit though, he gets on them. He said that he was really glad that he didn't go Friday night with all of his friends and get sick in front of everybody. I'm glad too. He may as well face it, the Fair, it just isn't his thing.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

She's rotten!

Hubs is wiring up a friends house. It's a huge two story on top of a mountain. The kids and I decided to go take him some lunch today and help him out a little. When we got there Hubs gave us a tour of the house. There are no walls or anything yet but you can tell that it is going to be a beautiful place. Well Sister decided that she wanted to go up the stairs. It is very dangerous and I wasn't about to let her climb those stairs because I knew if I ever let her do it once, she would keep on. She got brave and started up the first couple of stairs and I stopped her. I told her NO! NO! She just turned and looked at me and went as fast as she could up the stairs. I ran and grabbed her, sat her at the bottom of the stairs and explained to her that she would get hurt and not to get on the stairs again.

I broke her heart! She ran as fast as she could, covered her eyes with her little hands, and shoved her face into her daddy's legs. First she started with a little fake whimper but the more he loved on her the louder she cried. Once he loved on her a little, she was fine.

The minute she saw my head turned she started up the stairs again. Same routine, I tell her NO! NO! I pick her up and put her at the bottom of the stairs and go through the explanation of why she can't do that again. What do you know, off to her daddy she goes again. Only this time when she shoved her head into his legs and started her crying she pointed at mommy and started jabbering. That little toot was telling on me, lol. Of course daddy picked her up and loved on her and made everything all better. This continued about two more times before she finally quit trying to go up the stairs. It was really cute that she was running to her daddy and tattling on me but I explained to him that it really isn't a good thing. I can tell that there will be lots of tattling on mommy in the near future.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Drama

I am so incredibly sick of the drama! It seems that some people must have it in order to function in life. Some, well they must have control and all of the attention. I don't understand people like that. What is it that makes people that way? Is it their insecurities? The need for the attention and drama gives them a rush or something? I don't know. I have given up trying to understand it. Then, there is the type that have to hurt others in order to make themselves feel good. What's up with that? Ever heard the saying, "Treat others as you would want to be treated?" No one lives by that anymore. Women, they tend to tear each other down instead of lift each other up, I just don't get it.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

He's growing up.

A couple of weeks ago I had MIL pick Bubba up from school. Once she dropped him off he said, "Mom, please don't let Granny come pick me up any more." He said that she really embarrassed him. She yelled out his name and motioned for him to come where she was at and then when he got in the car she hugged and kissed him. He's in Junior High now and he thinks he a "big boy" now, lol.

So this weekend I had to break down and buy Bubba jeans for school. I had put it off as long as I could. He is getting really picky now so we had to go online and look and he showed me what he wanted. I purchased him a few pair of jeans and had him try them on before I washed them. Remember, the boy is just 10. He tries the jeans on and says, "Oh yeah, I've got a pretty butt, these jeans rock!" What? Dude, you are 10. What do you mean you've got a pretty butt? You are wayyyyy too young to be worried about your "pretty butt."

He is really worried about his looks lately. His hair has to be just right, his clothes have to be just right. He is always asking me if this shirt looks good with these shorts, should I wear these shoes, etc. I know he has to grow up but NOT YET. Slow down little dude! Where is my little boy that will wear anything I buy for him? Where did the little boy go that was in love with Power Rangers and Spiderman?

I have been putting off having "The talk" with him but I know I have to do it soon. I just don't want to screw up. He is such a good boy and I hate that he is growing up so fast. Girls now days are so aggressive. It just makes me sick! When I was 10 I was still beating boys up, lol. Now they are chasing boys and calling them up on the phone. What ever happened to letting the boys do the chasing? Thank God Bubba doesn't have any girls after him just yet but I want to talk to him before it happens, ya know? I've really gotta do some research and pray about it before I talk to him because I don't have a clue what I'm doing and I really really don't want to mess up.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

She has a crush on him

A few weeks ago I got a phone call. The lady on the other end of the phone introduced herself and said that she went to school with Hubs. I just handed him the phone and let him talk to her. She called to tell him that she was organizing a class reunion for his class. She gave him all of the details and said that she would be sending something in the mail. She also told him about a website that she had set up for the classmates to post pictures and profiles and such. We talked about it and agreed that we would go to the reunion. He went to a really small school and only had 34 in his graduating class. Really hard for me to understand because there were 463 in mine.

A week later he gets a letter in the mail with all of the details about the reunion. It had the website address included in the letter and asked that everyone register on the website. Hubs has nothing to do with the computer so I went online one night and registered him on the website. As I was looking at all of the old photos from when he was in school I noticed something. There were a lot of pics of my husband. There were more pics of my husband than any of the other men combined. As I was browsing I noticed that I already had a message. I figured it was an automated thing and just welcoming me (Danny) to the site. When I went and checked, I was wrong. It was her again. The same one that had called, set up the website, and sent the letter.

Oh, DP (hubs) I am so glad to see that you registered. I can't wait to see you again. Blah, blah, blah. She commented on how well he looked and how beautiful his kids were. (I had posted a family photo but she never mentioned his wife, lol) I didn't think a lot of it but it sounded kinda like a teenage crush. So I had to respond but didn't quite know how because she thought I was him. I just responded with a simple "Thank you! See ya there." I told Hubs about it the next morning and he got a kick out of it. I asked him if he had dated her back in high school or something and he said NO. NEVER. She had a huge crush on me but I never, ever went out with her or even so much as called her. She was not that pretty and not my type. Well, why does she have so many pictures of you? "She has pictures of me?" Yes, on her website. WHAT? I went to the site and showed him all of the pictures of him and his classmates. He couldn't believe how many pictures she had of him either.

The next day, Hubs called one of his other classmates. He lives here and they talk from time to time. He asked him if Marsha had called him about the reunion. Yep, she did. Did you get the letter/invitation in the mail? Nope! Did she tell you about the website she set up? Nope! Hmmm, kinda weird.

Tonight, just as we were having diner, the phone rang. It was her, again. She called to talk to Hubs again. To give him new details about the reunion. To just "catch up." Hubs called his friend again after he got off the phone with Marsha. Did you ever get your invitation to the reunion? Nope! Has she called you to tell you about blah, blah, and blah? Nope! He then starts laughing and tells Hubs that Marsha must have a crush on him. She has been divorced for about 6 yrs. and she is lonely, lol.

So, I think she has a crush on my Hubs. Maybe an old high school crush but still a crush. I am flattered but also amazed how some people can act. Go join EHarmony or something but leave my Hubs alone, lol.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Something new every day

She is just bursting with personality. It is something new with her every day. Today she learned how to say "Aw man." I had to take her and MIL with me to a business meeting today. After the meeting we went out to eat. The girl couldn't eat for entertaining. The hostess made the mistake of sitting us near the entrance to the kitchen and that was all she wrote. Every time one of the waitresses or another customer walked by, she would throw her fork on the floor, yell "Aw man" and then throw her head back and laugh. We must have went through 6-8 forks today. The more attention they payed to her the more she cut up. It was kind of embarrassing but also very funny. Hubs says that she's gonna be a comedian, lol. She definitely likes to show off.
Having a little girl is so much fun, even more fun than I could have ever imagined. On one hand she is such a girly girl. She loves shoes, jewelry, dolls, and phones, all the things a little girl is supposed to like. On the other hand, she is a little tomboy too. The girl loves to be outside more than anything else. She loves to swing, play on the slide and she has to jump on the trampoline every day or her day is not complete.
Being a mom is so rewarding! We tried for years to have a baby and it just wasn't in God's plan. I didn't understand it and was often bitter about it. Now, I realize that it was His timing. I am really glad that my kids are spaced apart like they are. God knew what he was doing! I am so blessed! Out of all of the jobs in the world, I have the perfect one, being a mommy!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Friends. Really?

I'm not sure where to begin. I really got my feelings hurt this weekend by someone I really thought was my friend. I'm not sure what a "friend" is anymore. It seems that you can't trust anyone. I'm not even sure what it is that she thought she would gain by doing what she did. And then, to make matters even worse, another so called friend took the word of the first so called friend and never once even attempted to ask my side of the story. Now, both of them, ashamed of themselves maybe, refuse to respond to me. Neither one of them offer up any type of explanation.
Obviously they were never really my friends to begin with. If I did something to offend them or if there is some reason that they had to dislike me, then shouldn't they at least have the respect to let me know about it? I know I would. I'm just that straight forward. I don't have to like you but I will respect you. Everyone should be grown up enough to at least show mutual respect, at least that's how I feel about it.
I'm not real sure what I am going to do at this point. First, I was really really mad, then I started feeling really hurt and betrayed, now I think the best thing to do is to pray about it and let God lead the way. I will continue to pray for my "friends" too.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Ike

We had a really busy weekend planned and within a couple of hours today, everything changed. The homecoming football game was cancelled, school has been cancelled for tomorrow, Bubba's baseball tournament was cancelled, and Hubs fishing event was cancelled. It looks like we will be staying home this weekend and praying that our lights don't go out. My how plans can change so rapidly.

It was just a couple of weeks ago that Gustav threatened us. We narrowly missed the eye of Gustav and just got a little wind and rain. This time I don't think we are going to be so lucky. Ike is headed right for us. There are thousands of evacuees already here and many more on their way. First thing in the morning, they will shut down all southbound traffic and open up all lanes for northbound. The gas stations are already running out of gas and the grocery stores are half empty. It is getting a bit crazy. They said on our local news that all the hotels were full and that 2 of the 4 shelters are already full.

Hubs has to go into town to work tomorrow so I have made him a list of things to look for. The last time we had a hurricane hit us like this we were not really prepared to go 8 days without electricity. This time around, I want to make sure that we have everything we need. I hope we don't lose our electricity this time but just in case we do, I wanna be ready. You can never have too many candles or enough batteries.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Randomness

The power source on my computer blew out AGAIN. I have no idea why the stupid thing keeps going out. I just had it replaced a couple of months ago and it cost me $80. This time, I will have to wait a few weeks before I can get it fixed. We just don't have the money to get it done right now. I am running this OLD Windows 95 computer and it won't let me do squat. It is about to drive me crazy. I can't even check my email on this stupid thing. I hate to see what my inbox is going to look like in a few weeks. Ugh!

The I.R.S. is still on our tail. I will be so glad when all of this is over. They sent us a letter a couple of weeks ago saying that we owed them $223.00. I don't understand all of the mumbo jumbo in the letter so I just sent it to the accountant and let him worry with it. Friday, another letter from the I.R.S. came. It says that we have $12,500.00 that we can't account for. I have no idea what any of that crap means. I guess I will be on the phone with the accountant first thing Monday morning. I know that we haven't done anything wrong and our accountant has been doing our taxes for years for I can't help but worry when the I.R.S. is involved. I will just be glad when it is all over.

Bubba starts school on Monday. I am not ready for him to go back. Sister is going to really miss him too. Every morning when he opens his bedroom door, she takes off running and yelling BUBBA! She loves him to death and he loves her just as much as she loves him. She isn 't going to know what to do without him here to read to her and play with her all day. He's starting the 6th grade, big Junior High boy now. It scares me that he will be in Junior High. I don't want his innocence tarnished. He has eight classes this year and it is the first time that he will have to do the class changes after every subject. We went and got his schedule and met with a few of his teachers the other night. He has five PAP classes. He's a little nervous but excited a little too. I'm just hoping for a good year.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

I feel like "me" again!

I have been on Celexa for a couple of weeks now and it is working wonderfully. I am feeling more and more like myself. Yippie! I was in a really bad place for a long time and I can't ever let myself go back there again. I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life but if that is what it takes to keep me out of that dark place then so be it. Whatever I have to do to be "me" again, that's what I'll do. I owe it to my kids to take care of myself. I can't take care of them if I don't take care of myself first.

The kids and I flew out to Midland for a week. We spent time with Hubs sister and BIL. They are GREAT people! I had talked to SIL about my depression and she was worried about me. They offered to fly me and the kids out there for a week in hopes that they could help lift my spirits. Between the stay with the in-laws and the meds, I'm feeling great. Bubba had a blast on the plane. He had never flown before so it was all new to him. He thought it was totally cool and can't wait to go back for Thanksgiving. We had a great time while we were there. They totally kept us entertained. We went swimming, played putt putt golf, went to a minor league baseball game, and went shopping for Bubba's school clothes. We really had a good time and it was so nice to not have to worry about anything. I missed Hubs like crazy and really wish that he could have gone with us but he had to stay home and work. He missed us like crazy too and was in a hurry for us to get home. I was really shocked when I got home. I was expected the house to be a wreck, with loads of laundry and dishes to clean. Boy was I wrong. He had done laundry, dishes, and even vacuumed the entire house. I was so pleased. He's really a good hubby and I am blessed to have him and his family. I get mad at them from time to time but he really has a GREAT family and they would do anything in the world for me and my kids. God has been good to me and I don't thank Him nearly enough.

Shew! It's good to be back!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Meds Work

So I have been on the Lexapro almost 3 weeks now. About a week ago I started noticing a difference. I have felt better in the past few days than I have in months. Today was my follow up visit with the Dr. I told him how much better I felt and how I felt like I was finding myself again. He was happy for me and wrote me a prescription. He wants me to give it about 4 months and see where we are at that point. Sounds good to me! I left his office feeling great! I am feeling better and things are going well. I go to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled and the girl at the counter asks if I have insurance, um no. Are you sure you want this medicine, she asked? Um, yes! Well ma'am, it is $97.00. WHAT???? Are you kidding me??? I can't do $97.00 for 30 flippin pills. No ma'am, I guess I don't want to get the prescription.

I left the pharmacy and called the Doc's office. I explained to the nurse that I do NOT have insurance and that medicine is really expensive. Is there something else that I could try that is cheaper? Geeze Louise! Of course the Dr. had already left for the day and she would have to leave him a message to call me back in the morning. Ugh!

I can't afford $100 a month for medicine but I also can't afford not to take it. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Stupid head of mine, why can't it just fix itself and all be well? I am hoping that the Dr. will call back with good news in the morning. Maybe he can give me more samples or change the meds or something. If not, then I don't know what to do. I will totally feel guilty if I have to spend $100 on meds because my head isn't screwed on straight.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

So I went to the Dr.

When I made my last post, I was feeling pretty low. I had made a call to the Dr. and was waiting to hear from him. Well he called and of course, wanted to see me right away. I went in that afternoon and we talked a bit. He was sure that I was pretty depressed and had let it go on too long before asking for help. We talked about the Reglan and the possibility that it was the culprit that brought on this madness. He gave me some meds to try for a few weeks and sent me to the lab to have blood drawn. He wanted to check things out just to be sure. The blood tests all came back normal so nothing to worry about there.
I've been taking the meds for almost a week now and so far, no change. He said that it could take a couple of weeks before I begin to notice a difference. I am just impatient and I want a quick fix. I don't like feeling this way. I miss me, if that makes sense.
I spent most of the day today on the couch. I just couldn't make myself get up and do anything. Then, the more I laid around, the worse I felt. Whether I nap during the day or not, I feel like crap and then when it is time to go to bed, I can't sleep. I go to sleep and then I wake up and flip and flop for hours trying to go back to sleep. What I wouldn't give for a good nights rest.
I am trying really hard to help myself get better. I am too blessed to be depressed!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Depression. It's real!

Commercials flood the t.v., adds in every magazine you pick up, friends have spoken of it. I am embarrassed to admit, I always just thought it was a cop out. I thought, get up off your butt and do something. I can understand being depressed after the loss of a loved one or a tramatic experience in your life but even then, I thought, get over it.

It wasn't until recently that I realized, depression is real. It is beyond our control. There doesn't have to be a tramatic experience to bring it on and you can't "just get over it."

I have been in a bad place for a couple of months now. Depression never crossed my mind because, well, I just didn't think it was real. I wake up every day, wishing that I could just lay back down. Tired and exhausted, nothing to motivate me. Things that I once loved, I no longer have interest in. Eating, it's too much effort. I have often times thought, dying would be better than feeling this way. I cry for no apparent reason, I pray and ask God what is wrong with me. When I go out in public, I put on my happy face, while inside, I'm screaming for help. I hate feeling this way and I don't know how much longer I can.

I have been taking medication for lactation for many months now. After telling a friend how I have been feeling, she suggested that I check the side effects of the medication. There it was, right on the side of the bottle, may cause severe depression and anxiety. If you experience these feelings, contact your Dr. immediately. Geeze, there it was in front of my face the whole time. Could this be it? Could I be depressed because of the medication I was taking in order to feed my baby? I have made a call to my Dr. and I am waiting for him to return my call. I am hoping for a quick fix but I am not going to bank on it. I am just ready to feel "normal" again. I want to be ME again. The way I am now, I can't be the mom, wife, or person that I want to be. I admit it, I need help!

I now know that depression is VERY real. You can't control it and it is not your fault. God has been good to me and I have so many things to be thankful for. At first, I thought, why do I have the right to be depressed? But then, some friends, they made me realize that I don't have control over this, the depression has control over me. I just want to be better and now, going through this, I will be MUCH more understanding.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Is there an end in sight?

The grocery store, the baseball field, no matter where I go, it's at least a 25 mile trip one way. With gas at $4.00 a gallon and getting higher every day, our budget is all out of whack. It costs Hubs about $100 a week just to go to work. I know that we are not the only ones and that everyone is being hit hard by the gas prices but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
I keep thinking of those that don't make as much money as we do. The ones that were barely getting by before the gas prices spiked so badly. What will happen to this country if the gas prices keep going up? People can't afford to go to work. How strange does that sound?
They are trying to come up with cars that run on less gas, like the Hybrid. The problem is, the people that really need those types of cars, can't afford to buy them. Hybrids aren't cheap. How are the lower class people that can barely afford the hoopty they are driving going to purchase a better car? It just makes me sad to think about it.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

How does your garden grow?

We are up to our ears in fresh veggies. Hubs nor I had ever planted a garden before. We jumped into this new project feet fist and are now benefiting the fruits (or shall I say veggies) of our labor. I have put away tons of turnip greens and squash already. The beans and peas are almost ready to be picked. We have over 60 tomato plants that will be ripening any day now. I may have bitten off more than I can chew. We got a little plant happy in the beginning and it looks like we will have way more than we could ever eat.

We have learned a lot with our new venture. We know what to plant, when to plant it, and how much to plant now. We should have done this research before we started but we were just excited to get things going.

I have been looking online and in cook books, trying to learn how to put things away and preserve them. I guess I need to start looking for new recipes and ways to prepare stuff too. I think it will be fun to learn new ways to prepare our fresh veggies. If you have any cool recipes you would like to pass on, I'd me more than happy to accept.

Monday, June 2, 2008

The Silent Treatment

Oye-vay! I get mad at him so he gets mad at me. It is a vicious cycle. He can be such a child. He stayed in the bedroom literally all day yesterday. He would come out long enough to grab something to eat and take it back to the bedroom with him but that was it. He avoided me at all costs. Ignoring me makes him feel like he is right and I am wrong. Like he wants me to apologize or something. Ppppffft, ain't happening.

He yelled at Bubba the other night over something so stupid. He humiliated him in front of his friend and really hurt his feelings. Bubba is just a boy and he's a GOOD boy, there is no need in yelling at him and talking to him like he is less than human. Hubs says he is trying to teach him something. He says that Bubba can't remember anything and that he is tired of telling him over and over again the same things. Well guess what? It is stupid crap that doesn't freaking matter and he is just a kid, he's gonna forget.

So he leaves his bookbag by the front door, what does it hurt? NOTHING. He's gonna get it on his way out in the morning anyway. Is it in the way? NO. He forgot to bring his football inside after playing catch last night. Is it the end of the world? NO. He fell asleep with his t.v. on. Did anyone suffer from it? NO. Gah, you don't have to be so damn hard on him. Just remind him, and let it go. Yelling at him and threatening to beat his butt isn't working. He's a good kid and he needs for you to get off of his ass over the stupid stuff. If you are going to teach him something then teach him how to be a good husband and a great father. Don't teach him to yell and scream and talk down to people. Treat him like he is a human being, not some puppy you found on the road.
I am so sick of you riding his butt over things that don't mean anything. I know that you have to tell him things over and over again. I don't know a kid that you don't have to do that to. It is called being a KID! How about we focus on the important stuff and let the other stuff go. We would ALL be a lot happier if you would just chill the crap out and lighten up some. I know that you are stressed about finances and stuff but seriously dude, don't take it out on us.

P.S. How long you plan on giving me the silent treatment this time? I kinda like it!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

My least favorite holiday!

Mother's Day was today, moms birthday is tomorrow. I always have a tough time during Mother's Day weekend. It was Mother's Day weekend when I decided to end my first marriage. Mom had only been gone less than 7 months and I was at a really low point in my life. Instead of staying home with me and comforting me, he went to a rodeo and then hog hunting. It was then that I realized, life is too short to live unhappy. I made up my mind that it was over and nothing was going to change it.

It wasn't quite as bad this year as it has been in the past. We stayed pretty busy, therefore I didn't have much time for thinking and feeling sorry for myself. We had to seine fish today and deliver 1000 lbs. to an RV park. The weather was nice and seining wasn't too bad but it wasn't exactly what I would have chosen to do on Mother's Day.

October 18th will be 9 years since my mom died. Some days, it seems like only yesterday. Other days, it seems like forever ago. I miss her so much and I hate that my kids never got to know her. She would have been a great grandma and they would have loved her so much. Bubba has seen pictures of her and I tell him about her but he will never truly "know" her and that makes me sad. Losing my mom at such a young age has shown me how precious life is and that we should never take anything for granted. You just never know when it is your time to go. She was diagnosed with cancer in July and passed in October. She was only 42 years old and had so much to live for. Cancer is evil and I hate it!


Bubba was a sweetheart today. He offered to watch Sister and let me take a nap. I couldn't let him do that but the offer was super duper sweet. He begged me to let him but he is just not ready for that just yet. Sister still requires a lot of attention and she gets into everything if you don't watch her closely. Since I wouldn't let him "babysit" he decided to give me a massage instead. He's such a sweet boy and he has such a big heart.

I hope I am raising him right and he turns out okay. I often worry about that. All I want to be in life is a good mom. If the only thing people remember about me when I am gone is that I was a good mom, then I have done my job. Being a mom is tough stuff. Motherhood doesn't come with a set of rules and a manual. We have to learn as we go along. I know there are plenty of things that had I known then, what I know now, I would have done them differently. I don't think I have made any major mistakes but quite a few little ones. I wish that I had more patience. That is the number one thing that I still need to work on. I am trying, and some days I do better than others but I am only human.

No big gifts from the Hubs today but that's okay. I told him, he has already given me the greatest gift of all. He has allowed me to stay home and be a mother to my children and to me, there is no greater gift that he could give me. I am so thankful to be able to stay home and mother my children. I know that I could get a job and we could have more but to me, it isn't worth it. I love being a mom!

Happy Mother's Day Mom! I can't wait until I see you again!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It's almost here!

One month from today, my birthday, Bubba gets out of school for the summer. I can't wait and neither can he. He is counting the days. Field trips, track and field day, end of the year party, it is all starting to happen. I know he has to go to school and some days I am ready for him to get out of my hair, but I like it when he is at home.

I can't believe I am saying this but I am ready for baseball season to come to an end too. We have a sucky team this year and it is really hard to get into things when you are losing all the time. We have a 3-6 record right now and it is draining. For the first time since Bubba started playing, our team won't have a good enough record for us to win rights to coach the All-Star team. I know that Bubba will still make the team and all but it just won't be the same. It is so hard to sit in the stands and be quiet and not let that coach mentality take over.

I have so much I want to do with the kids this summer. Hopefully Sister will start walking soon. I want to take them to the park and to the zoo. Museums and water parks. I am ready to just be mom for awhile. I try to juggle too much at one time and I am exhausted. I am tired of schedules and ready to just wing it for a bit. I know with gas prices sky rocketing and only getting worse, we will have to plan our activities carefully but we will manage. I can't wait for summer!!! Bring it on!!!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I miss him!

Bubba went out of town to a baseball tournament today. He rode with a friend and was looking forward to playing. He just so happened to be playing in the town where my dad and step-mom live, so they went and watched him play and then took him to their house for a sleep-over. It has been a long time since he spent the night with them and he was really excited about it. I am sure he is fine and really enjoying himself but I miss him. I know he is growing up and I must let him do so but it doesn't mean that I have to like it, right?

Dad called as soon as Bubba's last game was over. He said that Bubba did very well. He got two doubles, 3 RBI's, a single and two runs. Papaw was proud of his grandson! They lost their first game and won their second one so they are in 2nd place right now. Sister and I will be going to watch him play tomorrow. I just can't miss two days in a row. If they win their first game then they will be playing one more game for the championship. I hope they win, they need a big win to boost their spirits.

Sister is still not walking. I am not sure if she will ever walk. She has been pulling up and standing for months now but shows no interest at all in walking. I was in no hurry for her to walk at first but now I am getting a little anxious. I was sure that she would be walking by her first birthday. Bubba walked at 10 months and while I try not to compare, it is hard not to sometimes. I could be wrong and she could start walking tomorrow, who knows. I know that they all do things in their own time and at their own pace, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

She is developing quite the personality. She talks non-stop. It is so cute how she babbles and "talks" to herself. Sometimes I wish I knew what she was saying and then other times, I think maybe I don't want to know what she is saying, lol. Her new thing this week is to fake laugh when you laugh at her. It is so funny to watch her learn and grow. God really blessed us with a beautiful, lovely child. I thank God for her and Bubba every day. What would my life be without my children? Boring, I assure you, it would be boring. They are the light of my life!!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

You just never know what someone else is living

He missed several practices and the first three ballgames, then decided to show up to Friday's game, just as the game was getting started. I was really aggravated that he showed up on me at the last minute because I had to make adjustments and I HAVE to play him even though he hasn't been there in weeks. He showed up, half dressed, no baseball glove, and no glasses. It isn't fair to the other boys that show up for practice and are always there early and give 100%. Then I spoke to his "mother."

This poor kid has had it tough. His biological mother is in prison, again, for the 4Th time. His "mother" has only had him and his two younger brothers for 2 yrs. The state took them away from the biological mother because she sat in the parking lot of the hospital, in labor, and refused to go in until she finished her last hit of crack. This child and his siblings were all born addicted to crack cocaine, have lived in numerous different homes, many different environments, are all on medication, and never had what one would call a stable home. His "mother" is actually a friend of the family, obviously down on her luck too, and I could be wrong, but from what I gather, only took these kids in so that she can collect a check from the state so that she too may buy her crack cocaine.

What, I repeat, WHAT are people thinking? Why do people like this continue to have children? Why doesn't the state require these women to have their tubes tied or some sort of mandatory birth control? Why are they allowed to keep spitting out babies, addicted to God only knows what, and keep drawing checks from the state? I feel so terribly sorry for these kids. They didn't ask to be brought into this world and they don't stand much of a chance at a normal life, ever. Their real chance at life is taken away from them before they ever even get here. It is so sad.

Now I am in a really tough position. I have 10 other boys on the team. All they know is that this kid shows up after being MIA for 2 weeks and enters the game, makes a HUGE mistake on the bases and causes a train wreck. He gets to play just as much as the ones that show up to every practice and every game and some of them get a little bitter about it. How do I make 10 yr old boys understand without saying too much? Is it my place to explain to them the situation? Should I call each individual parent, explain this kids circumstances and leave it up to each parent to explain to their kids what is going on with Randy? I explained it to Bubba, and told him the truth as I know it. It really saddened him and he completely understands but I am not sure that some of the others will. Bubba has a big heart and I am really proud of him. Even though he understands that it is not Randy's fault that he doesn't show up for practice, it is not his fault that he doesn't make it to the game early like everyone else, and it is not his fault that he doesn't have someone to get outside and play catch with when he gets home from school, he is still just a 9 yr old boy, so how much does he REALLY understand?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Disturbing news!

The same week that Bubba got kidnapped, five years ago, I found out that I had a brother that I never knew about. Talk about a rough week, damn!
Apparently, my mother was sent to a home for unwed mothers and forced to give up her baby. She and my father had already divorced and it was just not acceptable back then for her to keep the baby, afterall, she was still a teenager. My mom had died 3 years before I got this news so I was pretty devastated that she died and never told me.

It took me some digging and a lot of praying, but almost a year to the day, I found my little brother. He lives about 2 hours from me and we now talk on a regular basis. He is a great guy, has a good life. He's happily married with 4 children and has really done good for himself. We are so much alike that it is scary.

I tried to do some digging and find out who his father was. I thought that I had pinned him down and was pretty certain that I was on the right track. I up and called the guy one day and gave him the shock of his life. After talking to him for about an hour, I wasn't sure. He acted really strange on the phone, was it because that he had lived with this secret for 27 years and never expected it to come out. Or was it that he never knew about it and was in shock? I really couldn't put my finger on it. I haven't talked to him since that day. I explained to him that my brother didn't want anything from him or anything, just to know where he came from. I can totally understand that but we left it alone. I had a gut feeling that he wasn't his dad anyway and deep down in my heart I believed something that I didn't ever want to let out.

Well, the other day, I was on the phone with the same person that told me about my brother to begin with. I trust this person with every fiber of my being. I don't remember how it came up but she told me who my brothers father is. She made me promise not to ever tell anyone and I agreed. Only now, I don't know if I can keep that promise. It is eating me up inside. Would anyone really benefit from knowing the truth? He is dead and my brother can never meet him anyway.

The man that fathered my brother, is my grandfather (Not my moms biological father). He molested my mother for years. Deep down in my heart I already knew this. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew it. Had she not told me this on the phone the other day, I NEVER would have ever said it out loud. I loved this man with all of my heart and he was never anything but wonderful to me but for some reason, I just knew that he fathered my brother.

Now it all makes sense. That is why they wouldn't let my mother keep the baby. They sent her to a home and forced her to give him up. She was always so partial to boys and now I know why. She gave up her first born son and had to live with that secret for all of those years. I can't imagine the pain she must have went through. It breaks my heart and I would give anything in this world to be able to talk to her and tell her how much I love her and that I don't blame her for what happened.

Do I tell my brother who his real father is? Do I take this information to the grave with me? I don't know what to do. It is eating me up inside. Does he have the right to know? This is so freaking hard!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

We won!!!!

The day started off really foggy and hazy. Not exactly the best day to play baseball. We had to be at the ballpark at 8:15 this morning and take team pictures. I guess they turned out okay but would have been better if the sun were shining. We had a little time between pictures and our first game so we headed to the cages to warm up.

By 10:00 a.m., when our game was starting, the sun had shown it's face. It still wasn't pretty but the clouds were drifting away slowly. It turned out to be the perfect day, it was just a slow start.

As for the game. I didn't start Bubba pitching this morning. I was going to save him for Monday night's game. I have another pitcher that is almost as good on the mound as Bubba is so I was going to give him the Opening Day start. I should have known better but I don't like to always put my kid in the spotlight. I don't want everyone to think that I am showcasing him because he is mine, kwim? Anyway, my little pitcher had an off day and didn't pitch so well. He gave up 5 runs in just 2 innings. I had no choice but to put Bubba on the mound to stop the bleeding.

That boy is a natural born pitcher! He thrives on the pressure and did a superb job of shutting the other team down. He pitched 3 great innings and struck out 6 batters. I was so proud of him. His hitting could have been a little better but he did get on base. He just didn't hit as well as he could have. Still, I am very proud of my boy.

We won today, 7-6. It was a victory in many senses of the word. Both teams played a good game and I must admit, the win came down to the coaching. I am proud to say that my assistant coach (the only other female coach in the league) and I, out coached the men coaches of the other team. It is so much fun to beat men when they are such sore losers. One of them wouldn't even come out of the dugout after the game and shake hands. You know, it only shows how sore of a loser he really is. I used to consider him my friend, not so much anymore. It just made the victory that much more enjoyable. One of Bubba's best friends was on the other team and I hate that his team lost, but glad that our team won, if that makes any sense.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Randomness

Opening Ceremonies is this Saturday! I think I have a pretty good team but there are a couple that really need to try piano or something, lol. Opening Day to me means the kick start of Spring. I love the sunshine and warm air. Baseball season rocks! Spring is in the air!

Bubba got commended on the Reading TAKS test and made me a proud momma! He only missed one on the test and to me, that rocks! He has to take the Math portion of the TAKS next week and then the Science a couple of weeks after that. I don't know why I worry about him so much because he always does so well. He is a really smart boy and I am way too hard on him sometimes. I couldn't have asked for a better kid.

Sister, she got her first two teeth and is learning what it means to bite down on things. Ummm, things like her own finger, lol. She's a little firecracker! I have a feeling I am going to have my hands full with her pretty soon. She is so curious and into everything, I can only imagine how it will be once she starts walking.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Time

Where does time go? I seem to have less and less of it these days. My kids are growing up way to fast, I don't get nearly enough things done that I want to get done. I remember when I was younger, the older people would tell me that the older you get the faster time goes by. They were right! Someone once said that your birthdays get closer and closer together, how true it is.

We had our first team practice Friday. I think we are going to be okay. I have one kid that is 10 yrs. old and NEVER played baseball before, he will be my project child. Then, there is another that has zero athletic ability but he really tries. Those two will be challenges but I think they will be okay. Most of the others, I think they will work out. There is still one that I haven't met yet so I will hold off on him but I have high hopes for a good season.

Hubs hooked the tractor up to the disc and started what will soon be our garden. I am so excited about finally having a garden. I plan on planting tons and tons of peas and tomatoes. I could almost live on those alone! We want to plant onions, squash, cucumbers, and peppers too. I am not sure what else we will plant but I am anxious to get started. He is going to get a tiller tomorrow and start making rows. Bubba isn't so into it, but most kids aren't I guess.

Spring Break is over and Bubba has to go back to school. It has been nice having him home for a week. I hate to see him go back. He is a great help to me when he is here and I love him being home. Some parents can't wait to send their kids off to school but I like spending as much time with mine as I can. They are only kids once and they grow up way to fast. He will be 10 this summer and it makes me so sad to think about it. My little boy is growing up on me.

Ants! I effing hate them! I have a shelf in my closet and I often lay my sleep clothes on them. Yes, I admit it, I may wear the same sleep shorts a couple of nights in a row before I wash them. No harm in that right? Wrong! I went into the closet tonight, grabbed my beloved sleep shorts and jerked them on. Dammit! They were freaking FULL of ants. I got stung on my inner thighs, and all around my panty line, a total of 12 times. How in the heck did ants get into my house? Why in the world did they find the need to nest up in my sleep shorts? I found a line of them climbing up the wall of the closet. Hubs said that he would take care of it but sheesh, those little suckers hurt. I sure hope he takes care of the problem soon!

Sister, well she has her first tooth coming in. I was beginning to think that she wasn't ever going to get a tooth. While I am tickled to death that she has a tooth coming in, I am also sad that I will see no more toothless grins. I know that she has to grow up, but she is more than likely my last baby and I just want to enjoy her being a baby as much as I can. I could never imagine myself having a little girl, I am not the girly girl type, but I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. Pink was my least favorite color in the world but now since Sister has been born, I seem to buy more pink than anything. It is her color! Pink really makes her blue eyes pop. I am learning this girly girl stuff and it isn't quite as bad as I thought.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

And so it begins

The draft is over and all of the teams have been picked. I think I did well and I am pleased with my team. There is a kid or two that I would have liked to have gotten, and maybe a kid or two that I wish I hadn't but that is just how it goes with the draft. Overall, I think I did well. For the first time in a long time, all of the teams seen to be pretty evenly matched. It should be an interesting season to say the least. We will have our first practice on Monday and the new season will begin.

Bubba has his first tournament game this weekend. I am not sure that we are prepared. We have a good team but I am not sure how well they are going to play together. As I mentioned before, we dropped some players and picked up some others. I am curious to see how well they play together. Sometimes, having a team full of "hot shots" can work against you. Let's just hope that it works in our favor. Chemistry is very important so we shall see how that all pans out.

Sister! That girl is pulling up on EVERYTHING. I can't make her sit down. I am not ready for this. It is so hard to believe that she is already 9 months old. Where has time gone? It seems like only yesterday that I was pregnant with her. They grow up so fast! Hubs is anxious for her to walk and talk, me, I say let her be a baby as long as possible. She has her entire life to walk and talk and only a short while to be a baby. My word, she will be a year old in less than 3 months. Noooooo! Slow down!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Try-outs

Sunny and 75 degrees today. I sat on the baseball field, score card in hand, watching as 68 little boys showed their skills, or lack of. Some were good, some were great, and well, some need to find another activity. Why do some parents wait until their kid is 9-10 yrs old to sign them up for an organized sport? Do they not realize how silly their kid looks and how horrible it must be for their self esteem? They are at the age now that they know that they are not as good as the others and that has to be hard on them. Not to mention how aggrivating it must be for those that take the game so seriously.
Most of these boys have been playing since they were 4 yrs old and they have a good 5 yrs experience on the new kids. I, as a parent, wouldn't want to put my kid in that position. I don't know, maybe I am looking at it all wrong. If the kid has played other sports and is somewhat of an athlete, it isn't so bad, and I can understand them wanting to try a new sport. But, when a kid has NEVER played a sport of any kind and has zero atheletic ability, please find your child something else to do. Do humiliate him by puting him on a baseball field where he is going to keep the bench warm most of the season.
Tomorrow is Draft Day, I am ready!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

What a weekend!

Sickness! Never has there been so much sickness in our house as this year. I just can't seem to get Bubba well. I picked him up from school on Friday and he was running 103.5 fever. Saturday, he woke up still feeling yucky. By mid-afternoon I felt horrible and had started feeling feverish. He and I both ran fever all night and felt like crap. We had to get better because we had plans. Not to mention, Sister was 9 months old on Saturday and we didn't feel well enough to even enjoy it. Happy 9 months my sweet baby girl!

He read this series of books at schooled called, "The Spiderwick Chronicles." He said that it was a great series of books and the new movie was coming out and he really wanted to go see it. He and I haven't been to the movies together in over a year so I promised him that if we were up to it, we would go. Neither of us felt like running a foot race or anything but felt well enough to go see the new movie. It was a cute movie and I really enjoyed it. Bubba did too. We laughed, we cried, we really had a good time. He was up to speed about what was happening because he had already read the books. He said the books were better than the movie, isn't that always the case? All in all, it was a good day. Bubba and I got to spend some much needed time together, it was nice.

The first official select team practice was today, and we missed it. Bubba was just too sick to make it. I was a little worried but was truly pleased that he made the cut. Another strong team in our area busted up and there were several players looking to make the team. This meant that someone had to be let go. Someone wouldn't make the cut. While I know that Bubba is a GREAT ballplayer, I also know that sometimes politics plays a larger roll. I am just very pleased that Bubba made the team because of his ability to play and not because of the political aspect of things. There may be one or two that made the cut because of who their daddy is and how much money he can sponsor to the team. I'm not saying that their kids aren't decent ballplayers, because they are okay, select team players, ah, I'm not so sure. There is a difference. No matter, I am just happy for Bubba. He has wanted this for a long time and he is really happy to be on this team. One of his best buddies didn't make the cut and he is a little upset about that but he made another team and we will still see them quite often at the ballpark.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Helpless

Help me! Ouchie! Please help me! These are the sounds that I heard coming from the mouth of my 4 yr old nephew as he lay in the hospital bed recovering from emergency appendectomy surgery. I have never felt so helpless in all my life. The poor baby was in terrible pain and the darn nurses were taking their own sweet time getting to him. Sorry assholes!

As I leaned over to kiss him on his head he asked me to please help him. I couldn't take it any longer so I asked him if he wanted me to go get that ugly old nurse and maker her bring him some medicine. He shook his little head yes so I headed down the hall. Just as I got to the nurses station, I saw his nurse come around the corner. I told her that he needed SOMETHING and NOW! She grabbed his meds and followed me to his room.

He was finally getting something for his pain. He had been out of surgery well over 6 hours and had been giving NOTHING for his pain. The poor baby was in misery. I couldn't stand looking into his big blue eyes and seeing the pain in them any longer. Thank God that she had the medicine ready because I couldn't have made it another minute and I am afraid that I would have gotten really ugly with her.
I pray that the little fellow got some relief and is getting some much needed rest now. I sure hope that tomorrow is a brighter day for him.

On a brighter note, Bubba and I got to spend some quality time together tonight. We don't get near enough time alone together now days. We made a stop by Old Navy and picked him up some new threads. He is at the age where style really matters. He should be stylin' now, lol. He's such a good kid and I am too hard on him sometimes, I am really trying not to be so rough on him. I love that boy!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Always 2nd place, never the Winner


Thirteen hours on the road. That is what Sister and I did all day Friday. Hubs had to take a course on Friday in order to keep his electrical license so I had to haul fish. It was the first time since I got pregnant that I made a fish haul on my own. It wasn't that bad on the way there but on the way back, Sister got a little fussy. Once we got there we found a Babies-R-Us and did a little shopping, just something to get out of the truck and stretch our legs a bit. We stopped at a Chili's and had lunch. Just a little mom and daughter time, it was nice. Then the trip home, ugh. She was okay as long as it was daylight but once the darkness hit, she got crabby. She didn't like being in that back seat, all alone, in the dark. We ended up having to stop once more on the way home, just so that I could get her out and let her take a break. We finally made it home and all was well, she was happy to get in the floor and crawl around.

Then there was Saturday. Bubba had his basketball tournament this weekend. We won the first game 30-2, won the second game 19-9, and then lost the championship game 31-27. So, we walked away with 2nd place, AGAIN. It seems that we just can't get that championship game in our pockets. Bubba was devestated. He said he is tired of coming in 2nd EVERY year. We have gotten 2nd place every single year that we have played, (5 yrs.). Bubba played okay, it wasn't his best weekend on the court but he did his part. He gets a little aggrivated with those that don't want to play, don't know how to play, or just down right can't play but mom and dad signs them up anyway. He is a great athelete and really takes pride in playing and when someone else is goofing off instead of busting their rumps, it doesn't sit well with him. Maybe we will get 'em next year, who knows. I tried to tell him, at least we get 2nd, we could get 4th, 8th, or even last.

Bubba went home with a friend last night. He enjoyed himself but I had to pick him up a little early. He had his first baseball practice today. He is on a traveling select team and they had a little batting practice to prepare for their first tournemnt in March. While we were in town, I had a little grocery shopping to do. I hate having to do that on the weekend but I got it done. Sister stayed home with Daddy and they had a good time. He really is a great daddy and I am so thankful for that. Sister has changed us all, in a good way.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Stupid sickness

Bubba had strep throat for a week and then he got the flu and was down for 2 weeks. Now I have this horrible sinus infection that has settled in my teeth and giving me terrible fits. And if that isn't enough, Bubba came home from school today with fever again, and here it is after midnight and Sister woke up burning up with fever. I sometimes feel like a damn hermit because I sit in this house and keep me and my kids away from all the sickness and germs but we still get sick.
This crazy weather is enough to make anyone sick. It is 75 one day and 30 the next. I am so freaking ready for spring.
I sure hope that Sister is running fever because of her teething and not because she is getting sick. I sure don't want to have a sick baby on my hands. I got an antibiotic today so hopefully I will be on the mend soon. I am not sure about Bubba, I sure hope he isn't having a relapse. Sickness, go the eff away!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Beautiful weekend

It is looking more and more like spring. Bubba had his last regular season basketball game Saturday and the weather was amazing. Sunny and 75 degrees! We won the game 24-11 and finished our season with a 5-2 record. Not bad, not what we would have liked for it to have been, but not bad. Next weekend is the big tournament. If we play well we may walk away with 2nd place. I am usually very optimistic in these situations and I would like to think that we could win it all but in reality, there is one team that is just too good for us. If I could lose a player or two it would help but since I am stuck with them, they hold us back. All in all, it has been a good season. Now it is time for baseball.

It was sunny and beautiful again today. Bubba spent the night with a friend after the basketball game yesterday so he didn't get home unitl mid-afternoon. Hubs, Sister, and I went for a walk and then Bubba and I got out in the yard and played catch. I know that I am a little biased because I am his mom but Bubba, he's a helluva baseball player. I am so proud of him! Baseball was my first love and I am so honored that it is his first love too. He is headstrong and stubborn like his mother but he listens and keeps trying to improve all the time.

I am not sure how I am going to manage coaching again this year but I have to. I have coached his team every year since he started and I can't stop now. It will be tough trying to juggle Sister around and coach Bubba's team but he deserves it. I can't push him aside just because we have a baby now. I have to try and show him as much individual attention as possible. He was an only child for 9 years, that is a long time to be the center of your mother's attention. If I weren't so anal and I could let someone else watch Sister it would really help. I just haven't gotten to that point yet. Hubs is the only one that I trust to keep her and I know that there will be days that he won't be able to do that when we have practice. Games don't worry me, I have plenty of friends that will be at the ballpark and more than willing to hold her during the game. It will all be tough, but I will manage, some way, some how.

With this fresh burst of warm, sunny weather, it has really given me the baseball fever. Sign-ups started this week and I am busting at the seems, ready to get started.

Monday, February 4, 2008

It's Monday

Last thing before I went to bed last night I turned the alarm clock on. Hubs woke me up at 7:00 a.m., asking if I was going to get up for school or not. What? Why didn't my alarm go off? Now I have to rush and get Bubba up and ready. I totally forgot that I had changed the time on the clock because we had an early basketball game Saturday. Ugh! So, that is how my day started.

Hubs was off of work today so he was home ALL day and right under my butt. I love him to death but sheesh, do something productive, or at least get out of my way so that I can. When he is home, he dirties stuff up and leaves messes for me to clean. Men.

Bubba went back to school today after missing 3 days last week. He was home a couple days at the first of the month with Strep Throat and then last week he came down with the Flu. He toughed it out a few days before I finally carried him to the ER for them to send us home, saying there was nothing we could do but treat the symptoms. He feels much better now and had a good first day back. When he got home today we pulled up his grades on the computer, he had a couple tests today that he had missed, and I was so stinking proud of him. His grades are great! He had straight A's again for the first time since the first 6 weeks. Those are HIS kind of grades and I am so proud of him for buckling down and giving 100%.

He is at a tough age and with him being so much younger than all of the others in his class, he sometimes doesn't know how to deal with the peer pressure. He is too into being the "cool kid" instead of being the "smart kid." I think he has taken some flack about being in the Gifted and Talented program and for making such good grades. We had some struggles and his grades slipped for awhile. I sometimes wonder if allowing him to move a grade ahead was the right thing to do or not. I hope that I did right by him. I guess only time will tell.

Basketball practice tonight was a waste of time. Three of my players didn't show up and it is hard to run plays when you have that many out. We got beat Saturday and we basically gave the game away by making bad passes and not playing enough defense. I was really gonna work them over tonight but just couldn't do it with 3 of them out. Hopefully they will all be there Friday and we can prepare for our last game on Saturday. Saturday is our last season game and then the big tournament will be the weekend after. The way things are looking right now, we will get 2nd place, again. Always 2nd place, never the winner. It's gotta be our year sooner or later, right?

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Back at it!

I haven't blogged in awhile. I had to take some time to myself and time to think. I guess I kind of got my feelings hurt that I rarely get comments. Then, once I really thought about it, I blog for myself more than anything so the comments shouldn't affect me. It is hard to say that they don't because who doesn't like to get comments? But, I have to blog first and foremost, for me. Writing is like cheap therapy. I may have blogged to much about myself and scared some people off but I can't let that bother me. I am who I am because of my past. I can't hide that any longer.
For a long time, I didn't tell ANYONE about the things that had happened to me. I never told my mother before she died. She knew, because of the whole court thing, but she never knew details and I never wanted anyone in my family to know the truth. Now, I don't feel that way at all. In the beginning, I felt guilty, I felt ashamed and I didn't want anyone, let alone my family to know what horror I went through. Now that I have done some healing and opening up, I realize that in order for me to completely heal, I had to talk about it. I have told Hubs most of what happened and I have told mil some small details but I still haven't told them everything. I tried to tell my sister some things but she didn't want to hear it. She still blames me for taking her daddy away from her. Because of his probation he wasn't allowed at school functions, couldn't leave the city limits without written permission, and all sorts of other things that I really don't care to know about. She thinks he is the most perfect man to ever step onto the face of the earth, and while he may be a changed man now, (I really don't know) he is far, I mean far, from perfect.
So, I will continue to blog, I will continue to heal, and I will try really hard, not to let the lack of comments bother me. I will blog for me and that is what is most important. Me, wow, I said it, I am important. That is a major step in the right direction.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Bubba had company!

As we left practice Friday night, Bubba asked if one of his teammates could spend the night. It has been a really long time since he has had a friend over. In the old house, we just didn't have room and I was just too ashamed of the cluster to allow someone to come over. So, I said yes! Now that we are in the new house, we have plenty of room and Bubba has a bedroom that he can be proud of.

We played our second weekend of basketball yesterday and the boys did good. We won 24-11. Bubba scored 8 pts and had 2 assists. I was really proud of him, well not just him, the team did a bang up job. After the game, his buddy came home with us and the fun began. He and Bubba played video games and watched t.v. I made nachos and snacks for them. They really had a good time. Today, when it was time for C to go home, he asked if Bubba could go with him. So, now he is at his friends house. He has had a good weekend. I hate letting him go off because I am such a control freak but I know it is good for him and it makes him happy to spend time with his friends. No school tomorrow so he may as well spend the day having fun with his buddy instead of hanging out at home with me and Sister.

Sister is really coming into her own little person. She is developing such a personality. It is amazing to watch a little one grow. Children are such miracles. She has learned to raise her arms when she wants me and that makes my heart feel good. She is trying to crawl but does more crawfishing backwards than anything. I am in no hurry for her to get completely mobile though. She can already scoot from one side of the room to the other in just a matter of minutes. I love that girl. My kids make me happy and I don't know how anyone could ever live without the sweetness of children in their lives.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

He's sorry!

I had just laid Sister down for her evening nap, Bubba was in the shower, Hubs and I were talking, and then the call came. On the other end, it was him. He says my name, "Yes," I replied. This is .... I was in a bit of shock and not exactly sure what to say. Do I just hang up, do I listen to what he has to say, there were a million things running through my mind in that short period of time. Then he began.

He began to tell me how terribly sorry he was for all of the pain that he had caused me and for all of the pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. He said that he couldn't even begin to imagine what he put me through and what I had to deal with on a daily basis. He began to sob and said it over and over again, I'm so sorry. He began to tell me how he had a hard time dealing with what he had done and it was eating him up inside. He said that only by the Grace of God was he able to go on. He said that he knew no matter how many times he told me he was sorry or how badly he wanted to take it all back, that he couldn't and that it wouldn't make my pain go away. Knowing that I was okay and at peace was something that he really needed to hang onto. I didn't speak much, I just listened.

Halloween night, all of the offenders in the area were on lock down for 4 hours. The counselor called him and asked him if he would speak to the other offenders. He gladly took on the task and took great pride in speaking to them and trying to make them understand what they had done to their victims. If he could help save one person, or heal one mind, it was all worth it. As he is telling me these things, my mind is racing a million miles a minute. I am not sure what to think, I am not sure how to feel. I believe that he is sorry and I believe that he is sincere but what I am not sure of is this: Is he most sorry that he feels so guilty for destroying my life, or is his most sorry that he destroyed my life? This, I will have to ponder on for awhile.

He wanted to make sure that I was okay, well, as okay as one can be after having had gone through what I went through. I assured him that I was good. Life is good! I told him how it once consumed me and controlled me but never, would I ever, allow that to happen again. I have taken control over my life and I have two amazing children to raise, I can't let my past take over me anymore. The truth is, I do still feel the pain and I do still hurt deep down inside and no one will ever understand completely. He wanted me to say that I forgive him, I could tell that he was waiting for those words. I think that I have forgiven him but I can not be certain.

I am not sure what to do about this phone call. I am not sure how I feel about it. Did it help me? Did it hurt me? I honestly don't know, I am still a little numb this morning and must do some soul searching. I know that what I really must do is humble myself and let God speak to me. I need to get on my knees and do some serious praying and talking to God. Have I really forgiven him or is it something that I just tell myself so that I may cope? I think for me to completely heal I must find these answers. There is one thing that I do know, if anyone ever tried to do to one of my children, what was done to me, I would kill them with my bare hands. No one should ever, ever have to live with pain like this. No one!