Wednesday, December 12, 2007

What is it with him?

My little sister messaged me today. She wants to know why I haven't talked to my "biological father" lately. Why is she starting this again? What gives?
He left me when I was about 2 and never looked back. When I was 15 I was curious and I went and found him. Living in the same town of course, but he had never bothered to make contact. At the time I didn't care. I just wanted to get to know the man that helped to give me life. There were so many answers that I wanted and so much learning that I had to do. I was young and naive and going through some things at home.

At first, he was perfect. I couldn't believe what I had been missing out on all of those years. He filled my head with lies of how he used to come and watch me from afar and how he really wanted to contact me but was afraid of rejection.
Long story short, I moved in with him, his wife, and their 3 children just months after I met him. Not long after that, it started.

Only 4 months after I moved in, he and his wife separated and she filed for divorce. We had to move in with his mother for awhile and then he finally got us our own place. Then it really really got bad.

He molested me and beat me for years. I have never in my life been so terrified of another human being. But, on the other hand, he was my father and I loved him. My brain was so confused and so overwhelmed. He molested me every singe day for years and beat me so badly at times that I would have to stay in the house for days, in fear that someone would see me and wonder what had happened to my face. I had to miss school to keep people from finding out.

He once stuck a gun to my head and played Russian roulette. I've had a knife held to my throat, my clothes ripped off of me, and been molested more times than I could ever count, yet I was too scared to turn him in. I lied to cover for him. My face was once so badly beaten that I lied and told everyone that I was building my brothers and sister a tree house and I fell out on my face.

I finally got brave enough to leave one day and I really thought that it was over. Nope, no such luck. He stalked me. He called me and threatened me. I was still very much afraid of him. Then one night, I did it, I turned him in. I told my story to the police and I finally got it off of my chest. I never even had to step into the courtroom. I thought that I was finally free. The only problem was, that my brain was in overdrive. I felt guilty. Yes, I felt guilty for what HE had done to me. I blamed myself and I was ashamed. He was charged with sexual misconduct of a minor-incest and was given 10 yrs probation.

I spent many months in counselling and many years trying to learn to take control of my own life. I no longer carry that guilt. It is all his. He robbed me of very important years in my life. He took my innocence and he kept me from my family. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion, but with counselling and by the grace of God, I made it thought it.

Then in November of 2006 he got off of probation. My little brother and sister kept pressuring me to talk to him again. They told me how he had changed and how he was living for God now and that all of that other stuff was behind him and he took full responsibility for his actions. So finally, I did it. First I wrote him a letter. I poured out my heart to him. And then I set up a meeting with a mediator. I told him face to face how he had destroyed years of my life and how I had taken it back and that I was no longer afraid of him and would NEVER be afraid of him again.

He sat there and took everything that I had to say in. He weeped and cried and told me how sorry he was and how it really hurt for him to hear me talk to him that way. He said that it was so hard to hear the things he had done and how he had taken so much away from me. I think he was sincere but I can't be certain. I talked to him several times after that on the phone. And then one day, it was there again, the fear. All of those memories came rushing back into my head and I found myself feeling very afraid again. I don't like that feeling and it took me a really long time to heal. So, I never called him again and thank goodness he never called me again either.

Part of me hates him and then there is a part of me that doesn't. He is the man that helped to create me. His blood runs through my veins. I don't even know how to explain it and Hubs thinks I am nuts for not wanting to kill him.

Now she is pushing me again. Wanting me to talk to him and give him a chance. I just don't think that I can do it. A part of me wants to but a part of me never wants to hear his voice again. The sad part is, if I don't have contact with him, I fear that I will lose my little sister too. Not that we are close, because we are not, but she loves him dearly and defends him to the bitter end. Why won't they just leave me alone? I have enough to deal with without the added stress.


Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry, hun. I am livid.

canape said...

I knew you were strong. I had no idea how much so.

I'm sorry they won't leave you alone. I hope you can turn away and just stay protected.

Linda said...

You are such a strong woman. Please follow your instincts and keep yourself protected.

Girl said...

I had no idea.
I feel like hugging you.

Jenn ;o) said...

"To thine own self be true."
Protect you and yours first, hun. If you gut says "No", it does so for a reason. {{{HUGS}}}

gooksu said...

I don't have any words. I am truly sorry but I do understand the hate/disgust mixed with guilt towards the father feeling. You are an amazing woman.

Kris said...

Oh wow. I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry. It hurt my heart to read that. (((HUGS)))