Thursday, December 20, 2007

Movin' In

I think I am finally done with my shopping. I got Bubba a Wii, (had to stand in line for 3 hours, but I got it) his Fathead arrived, and all the other little odds and ends are completed. I still have wrapping to do but other than the wrapping, I am done. Yippie!

This weekend we will be moving into the new house. I am so excited that I don't know what to do. What more could I ask for? A beautiful baby girl, a sweet little boy, a husband that works his butt off to support us and provide for us, a new camera that rocks, new furniture, and a NEW HOUSE! God is GOOD! I have so much to be thankful for.
The new house has really kept me busy the last few weeks and really helped to keep my mind occupied. This is the first time since my mom died that I haven't been sitting around pouting and feeling sorry for myself. I still miss her terribly and I know that on Christmas Day it will hit me like it always does. I will have to disapear for a bit, shed a few tears and talk to my mom and tell her how badly that I miss her, but at least I haven't let it consume me this year.

My little brother and his family are coming this weekend to help Hubs move the appliances. I am sure that we could do it on our own but it sure would be nice to have help.
Even though we will be moving in, there is still lots to do. I have so many ideas in my head of things that I want to paint and things that I want to do. I haven't been this excited about anything in a long time. I have lived in this ugly, dark house for so long, ugh. I will not miss it! It may take us awhile, especially since we just lost that big business deal, but I will eventually get everything decorated just like I want it. I will finally have a home that I can be proud of and not be ashamed for someone to come and visit. I have promised Bubba that the first weekend we are available, and after the holidays, he can have a friend spend the night with him. He hasn't had a friend over in over a year.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Still no Wii

I heard about the big sale today to promote the Wii. Stores have had them hidden in the back rooms for days now. So I called my dad and asked him if he would be so kind and try to get one for Bubba, I would just pay him back. He said sure and he and step-mom got up bright and early and went to K-Mart. They were supposed to open at 6:00 so Dad got there before 5:30. Well, they only had 7 of the damn things and dad didn't get one. They left there and drove to Target which didn't open until 8:00 and there were already people lined up outside, sitting in their lawn chairs bundled up with blankets.
Why are these things so darn hard to come by? Why do we all wait until the last minute to do things? I honestly had no idea that they were going to be this hard to find or I would have purchased one months ago when they were consistently on the shelves.
I don't know what I am going to do. Bubba only asked for 2 things for Christmas, a Wii and a Fathead. The Wii was supposed to be from Santa. It breaks my heart that I can't get it for him. There is still a little time and I am not giving up hope. Maybe, just maybe I can get my hands on one before the Jolly Old Fellow comes to town.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

What is it with him?

My little sister messaged me today. She wants to know why I haven't talked to my "biological father" lately. Why is she starting this again? What gives?
He left me when I was about 2 and never looked back. When I was 15 I was curious and I went and found him. Living in the same town of course, but he had never bothered to make contact. At the time I didn't care. I just wanted to get to know the man that helped to give me life. There were so many answers that I wanted and so much learning that I had to do. I was young and naive and going through some things at home.

At first, he was perfect. I couldn't believe what I had been missing out on all of those years. He filled my head with lies of how he used to come and watch me from afar and how he really wanted to contact me but was afraid of rejection.
Long story short, I moved in with him, his wife, and their 3 children just months after I met him. Not long after that, it started.

Only 4 months after I moved in, he and his wife separated and she filed for divorce. We had to move in with his mother for awhile and then he finally got us our own place. Then it really really got bad.

He molested me and beat me for years. I have never in my life been so terrified of another human being. But, on the other hand, he was my father and I loved him. My brain was so confused and so overwhelmed. He molested me every singe day for years and beat me so badly at times that I would have to stay in the house for days, in fear that someone would see me and wonder what had happened to my face. I had to miss school to keep people from finding out.

He once stuck a gun to my head and played Russian roulette. I've had a knife held to my throat, my clothes ripped off of me, and been molested more times than I could ever count, yet I was too scared to turn him in. I lied to cover for him. My face was once so badly beaten that I lied and told everyone that I was building my brothers and sister a tree house and I fell out on my face.

I finally got brave enough to leave one day and I really thought that it was over. Nope, no such luck. He stalked me. He called me and threatened me. I was still very much afraid of him. Then one night, I did it, I turned him in. I told my story to the police and I finally got it off of my chest. I never even had to step into the courtroom. I thought that I was finally free. The only problem was, that my brain was in overdrive. I felt guilty. Yes, I felt guilty for what HE had done to me. I blamed myself and I was ashamed. He was charged with sexual misconduct of a minor-incest and was given 10 yrs probation.

I spent many months in counselling and many years trying to learn to take control of my own life. I no longer carry that guilt. It is all his. He robbed me of very important years in my life. He took my innocence and he kept me from my family. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion, but with counselling and by the grace of God, I made it thought it.

Then in November of 2006 he got off of probation. My little brother and sister kept pressuring me to talk to him again. They told me how he had changed and how he was living for God now and that all of that other stuff was behind him and he took full responsibility for his actions. So finally, I did it. First I wrote him a letter. I poured out my heart to him. And then I set up a meeting with a mediator. I told him face to face how he had destroyed years of my life and how I had taken it back and that I was no longer afraid of him and would NEVER be afraid of him again.

He sat there and took everything that I had to say in. He weeped and cried and told me how sorry he was and how it really hurt for him to hear me talk to him that way. He said that it was so hard to hear the things he had done and how he had taken so much away from me. I think he was sincere but I can't be certain. I talked to him several times after that on the phone. And then one day, it was there again, the fear. All of those memories came rushing back into my head and I found myself feeling very afraid again. I don't like that feeling and it took me a really long time to heal. So, I never called him again and thank goodness he never called me again either.

Part of me hates him and then there is a part of me that doesn't. He is the man that helped to create me. His blood runs through my veins. I don't even know how to explain it and Hubs thinks I am nuts for not wanting to kill him.

Now she is pushing me again. Wanting me to talk to him and give him a chance. I just don't think that I can do it. A part of me wants to but a part of me never wants to hear his voice again. The sad part is, if I don't have contact with him, I fear that I will lose my little sister too. Not that we are close, because we are not, but she loves him dearly and defends him to the bitter end. Why won't they just leave me alone? I have enough to deal with without the added stress.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Canton Here We Come

The weather has been beautiful that last few days, sunny and in the 70's. This is the last, first weekend of the year so I talked Hubs into going to Canton tomorrow. I haven't been to Canton since I was pregnant. It is one of, if not the largest Flea Market in the USA. Hundred's of acres of stuff. If you are into crafts, thrifts, or just plain want to see something different and unique, then Canton is the place. They are open the first weekend of every month and thousands of people travel from all over to go there. You can't see it all in one day but if you use your time wisely you can see most of it.
There isn't any one particular thing I am looking for this weekend. I just want to look and see if there is anything that I would like to buy for the new house. The last time I was there I saw the coolest baseball stuff that I could use for Bubba's room. Lamps, beds, tables, and chairs all made out of old baseball bats. I have been saving some of his old bats and maybe, just maybe, I will be inspired to start a project for his room.
I sure hope Sister is in the riding mood. Canton is only about an hour and a half away from us so the travel time isn't bad but she will be in the stroller for several hours tomorrow. Lots and lots of walking. I will be sure and take the Moby too, just in case she gets tired of the stroller. Bubba isn't too excited about going because it is lots of walking and I guess it could be somewhat boring for a boy that would rather be out in the yard playing ball. If he's a good sport her may just score some goodies tomorrow.