Monday, October 29, 2007

Long Weekend

Wow, what a weekend.
Friday night we took the kids to the Zoo Boo. There were so many people there. We entered Sister in the costume contest but didn't stay and find out the results. There were 96 contestants in the 0-4 age group and it was getting late so we had to leave. Bubba had a good time playing all of the games and getting candy. They had the Zoo decorated up nicely and it was fun for the kids so it was all worth it.

Saturday night Bubba had his last fall ball games. He had a double header against the Mustangs. They won their first game 15-0 and the second game 9-1. The little team that we were playing was not very good. Bubba played well, was happy that they won but a little disappointed that he didn't get to pitch. He was scheduled to pitch the last inning but time ran out. I tried to explain to him that the coach didn't pitch him because he is really good and the team they were playing was not. Therefore there was no need to pitch your best pitcher and rub the victory in even more. He understood but was still a little disappointed. He has a tournament coming up in a couple of weeks and he will get in plenty of pitching during the tournament.

Yesterday I attempted to take Sister's pic "in" a pumpkin. I should have known better. She HATES pumpkins! A couple of weeks ago when we took her to the pumpkin patch she refused to smile, well, same thing yesterday. She would NOT smile and eventually began to scream until we "let her out." I got a couple of decent pics but not the be toothless grin shots that I was hoping for. Maybe next year she will cooperate more, nah, I doubt it.

Friday, October 26, 2007

A better place

He woke up early, to get ready for school, as any other day. Only this day, he awoke with a headache. He told his mother that he didn't feel well and didn't want to go to school, usually something he loved to do. She took the other two kids to school and at his request purchased him an Icee from the convenient store. He drank his Icee, laid his head in his mother's lap and left this world to go to a better place.
Levi was born June 23, 1983 and died October 26, 2000. There was a very dismal prognosis for Levi from the beginning, but by the Grace of God, Levi lived to rise above the limits of his physical abilities. Levi always had something good to say to everyone he met. This is especially important due to the fact that Levi was born without a brain, only a brain stem; but God supplied. The doctors said that he did not have the muscular capability to ever walk, so Levi scooted everywhere he went. At around 7 years old, one day Levi got up and walked; God supplied. God healed his spine and did many miracles during Levi's life. Sometimes miracles come quickly and sometimes they come with patience over a period of time.
It was an honor to have lost our own identities and be known as Levi's family. Levi did not even know his times tables, something he thought you needed to know to be smart; but Levi had deep discernment into the weightier issues of life that really matter, and touched all who knew him.
I miss you little brother but I know that you are in a much better place. I know that you have a new body and you have a new life and I will look for you come resurrection day.
I love you Levi!

Friday, October 19, 2007


I am tired, and worn out. I need a break.
That is all.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Cold Dark Room

While I lay on a bed in a cold, dark hospital room, all alone and scared, not knowing what the future would hold, or how I would go on, listening to the machines, praying for a miracle and hoping beyone all hope that I was having a bad dream, my best friend, the very woman that gave me life, took her last breath. Time of death 7:20 a.m.
The cancer beat her. It took her from me and from my family. How could this be real? The doctors told us we had two years, it had only been 3 months. How could she leave me? How could she leave her grandchildren? Why oh why would she go?

As I stood there looking at her lifeless body, shrivled and frail, not a hair on her head, I wondered how I was going to tell my brother and sister. I was all alone and hurting deeply but I had to be strong. I was the oldest and I had promised to take care of them. How could I tell them that their mother was gone? How would I tell them that cancer had won? Where would I find the strength? I felt as though my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. I was numb.

First it was my little sister. She was a young mother that had leaned on our mom her entire life. She had never stood on her own two feet and looked to her for guidance and support. How was I to tell her that her rock was gone? I didn't want to do it. I didn't want her to feel the pain that I was feeling but I had to tell her. She was so stubborn and in such denial and I had no choice but to tell her over the phone. I will never forget the sounds that came from her as she weeped and whaled as I broke the news. She made it to the hospital in record time, ran into the room and grabbed her and hugged her, begging her to come back to us. My heart broke all over again.

Then there was my baby brother. He was only 18, just a boy, a mommas boy. He had not left her side for days and I begged him to leave and go get some rest. Now I had to go tell him that she was gone. My daddy accompanied me to the house where my little brother was sleeping. As he walked out of that bedroom, he knew. He screamed and yelled and asked God why. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. He blamed himself for leaving, he blamed God for taking her, he was a lost little boy and all he wanted was his mommy.

That was 8 years ago today. I will never forget that day. It is burned into my brain. Our lives changed that day and will never be the same. I not only lost my mom and my best friend that day, I also lost a part of myself. She was only 42 years old and had so much to live for. I will never understand why she left us. Why God didn't heal her or why there is no cure for cancer.

What I wouldn't give for one more day. To hear her voice one last time. If I could hug her one last time I would never let her go. I miss my mommy as much today as I did 8 years ago, maybe even more. There is so much that I want to tell her and so much that I want to ask her. There is so much that I want her to see. I want her to see her beautiful grandchildren and how wonderful they are. I just want my mommy!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I am done!

For months now I have wondered why my step-mom wasn't speaking to me. Weeks before the baby shower we were talking and getting along fine. We have always been pretty close. She was there for me when I lost my mom 8 years ago and has always been what I would consider a friend.
When she failed to show up to my baby shower I was puzzled. Then when Sister was born she did not accompany my dad to the hospital to see us. Three weeks later we celebrated Bubba's birthday and yet again she did not show up. I called and left messages only to be ignored. I just couldn't figure it out.
September 1st was our family reunion and yet again, she was a no show. I was clueless as to why she was avoiding me, and then the phone call came.
My dad called and asked what was going on between us. I told him that I honestly had NO CLUE. He filled me in on some problems they had been having and asked me if I would try to talk to her. So I did. I tried. I called her house, her cell, and even her job. She was giving me the cold shoulder and would not answer the phone.
I finally dragged it out of my SIL. Her feelings were hurt because of my baby registry. WHAT? How could this be it?
When I registered at BRU I failed to list her as a grandparent. I did NOT puposely do this. Honestly, I didn't even list my own mother or DH's father. I only listed my dad and my MIL. I didn't do this to hurt anyone, I honestly never even put a second thought into it. I just felt like there was no need in listing all of the grandparent stuff. It was not a secret ploy to hurt anyone's feelings I can assure you.
So, being the bigger person, and wanting to make things right (even though I honestly felt that I had done nothing wrong) I emailed her and apologized. I wrote a very long and detailed letter and told her how sorry I was that her feelings had been hurt and that I NEVER meant for that to happen. I told her how we all missed her and wanted her in our lives. I even explained to her that Bubba was hurt and didn't understand why his MeMe was avoiding HIM. I practically begged for her forgiveness and wanted us to be "friends" again and let this all go.
Her response was NOT what I expected.
Basically, she said that she was hurt, she thinks that I did it on purpose and she is NOT going to forgive me and she said absolutely NOTHING about the way she has avoided Bubba and Sister. I am DONE with her! Life is too short to live like that. I honestly tried to make things right and she basically slapped me in the face so, I am done.
I explained it all to my dad and he totally agreed that I should just leave her alone. I don't think they are going to make it much longer and it is really sad. I really hate it for his sake but if she is going to be an idiot then he doesn't need her.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Trip to Midland

It was a long drive and the view wasn't so pretty but the stay was nice. SIL has a beautiful house and she was a great hostess. The boys went hunting and did their thing while SIL, Sister, and I went shopping and sight seeing. It was really nice to get away for a few days.
Bubba got to kill a snake and it made his day. We saw two rattlers while we were there and that made me none too happy. I am not a fan of snakes, they truly give me the creeps.
The pumpkin patch was not Sister's favorite place to be. I am not sure if it was the sun, the wind, or the smell of pumpkins but she refused to smile. We tried on Thursday and Friday and she just did NOT want to smile. I got a couple of decent shots of Bubba but once I got home and looked, I spent way too much time taking pics of Sister and not nearly enough time with Bubba. I have really got to do better. He is a great kid.
DH mentioned something about going back for Thanksgiving, I am not sure how I feel about that. The drive is a killer but at least it will be cooler and maybe the snakes will be in hiding.