Saturday, September 22, 2007

Just let it go

Why can't I just let it go? I hate that I hold on to hurt for so long. I truly have a wonderful MIL but she hurt me deeply and I can't get over it no matter how hard I try. First, she talked about how "fat" I was during my entire pregnancy and then once Sister got here she talked about me behind my back and questioned my parenting skills. At least that is the way I took it. It really hurt me and now, no matter how hard I try, I just can't feel the same about her anymore. I know that she means well and she would do anything in this world to make it right but I can't help it. I really have to learn to forgive. The Bible says that we have to forgive in order to be forgiven. God, please help me with that.
I don't deal with pain well. I have been hurt so many times by so many different people. I put up a wall and tend to not let people in and once I do and they hurt me I can't let it go. I hate that about me. I feel like no one really knows the "real" me. I get tired of pretending that I am this strong person that can handle anything thrown my way. Deep down inside, where no one ever sees, I am in pain.
The 8th year of my mother's death is approaching and it is affecting me already. I dread that day and I try to hide the fact that it is ripping my heart out. I have held so much hurt and anger inside for so long that one day it will have to come out. I know that part of the healing will have to take place within myself and I am not sure how to begin.
I guess I am just feeling a little sorry for myself. I will get over it, put on my happy face and start tomorrow as a new day.

5 comments:

canape said...

{{{hugs}}}

Maybe it hasn't been enough time to forgive your MIL. It doesn't sound as if she has been very nice lately, and forgiveness is a process, not just an instantaneous thing.

Don't be too hard on yourself :)

Jaime said...

{{{Hugs}}} B. Forgiving takes time and it's hard to do when such cruddy things have been said. You are a great mama!!

MollyDoll said...

I agree with Canape and Jaime. Give it time. Forgiving isn't something you can force yourself to do. And it's okay not to be strong ALL the time. (((HUGS)))

Girl said...

I also agree. Forgiveness takes time, a lot of time. There are people in my life I wonder if I will ever forgive. Especially when they are so thoughtless and mean.

I am so sorry about your mom. I can't imagine losing mine. I would share her with you in a heartbeat.

Tiffany said...

Oh honey. You are an amazing individual with a huge heart. Like Canape said, forgiveness is a process. It is not a switch that we can decide to turn on and off. What MIL said cut deep into your core, it is 100% OK to not be at the point of forgiveness. Take care of yourself first and the rest will eventually come if that's what you desire.