Saturday, September 22, 2007

Just let it go

Why can't I just let it go? I hate that I hold on to hurt for so long. I truly have a wonderful MIL but she hurt me deeply and I can't get over it no matter how hard I try. First, she talked about how "fat" I was during my entire pregnancy and then once Sister got here she talked about me behind my back and questioned my parenting skills. At least that is the way I took it. It really hurt me and now, no matter how hard I try, I just can't feel the same about her anymore. I know that she means well and she would do anything in this world to make it right but I can't help it. I really have to learn to forgive. The Bible says that we have to forgive in order to be forgiven. God, please help me with that.
I don't deal with pain well. I have been hurt so many times by so many different people. I put up a wall and tend to not let people in and once I do and they hurt me I can't let it go. I hate that about me. I feel like no one really knows the "real" me. I get tired of pretending that I am this strong person that can handle anything thrown my way. Deep down inside, where no one ever sees, I am in pain.
The 8th year of my mother's death is approaching and it is affecting me already. I dread that day and I try to hide the fact that it is ripping my heart out. I have held so much hurt and anger inside for so long that one day it will have to come out. I know that part of the healing will have to take place within myself and I am not sure how to begin.
I guess I am just feeling a little sorry for myself. I will get over it, put on my happy face and start tomorrow as a new day.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


Was he really being sweet and congratulating me or was he fishing for information? I may never know the answer to that question. He and I always did get along and he was so totally different from anyone else in the family but it has been so long and so much has happened since then. I have been out of the family for over 7 years and haven't heard from him in over 5 yrs. Is it possible that he was just being nice and concerned or is there an ulterior motive?

The phone rang on Monday afternoon and a voice on the other end says my name. I knew I recognized the voice but couldn't put my finger on it right away. After he spoke my name the second time I knew who he was. It was my ex-bil. He had heard about Sister and was calling to congratulate me. He asked about my pregnancy and the delivery and how she was doing and all. He told me that he had become a grandfather and how well his boys were doing.

Then came the questions. How is Bubba doing? How tall is he now? Is his hair still blonde? Who does he look like? I answered his questions without providing too much information but I was a little reluctant. I am not sure if he really wanted to know, afterall, he is his biological uncle, or if he was fishing for information for SD.

He told me that SD was off of drugs and had a good job but that he still didn't trust him and doesn't have a lot to do with him, which honestly, he never really did. Whether he is fishing or whether he was sincere, I dunno, but it has really put me on guard now. I hope and pray that he was genuinely concerned and the phone call was nothing more than a friendly call to say congrats and not a way to get information to SD. I was very careful in what I said and I even put a few little extra things out there just in case he was reporting to SD.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Little sister

What is wrong with her? How could we possibly be from the same mother? She has serios issues! I only hear from her a few times a year, usually when she wants something. A couple of months ago she calls me and tells me that she has ovarian cancer and that she could possibly have cervical cancer too. I worry and I pray, asking God to spare her for the sake of her children. Now, I am not so sure she has ANY kind of cancer. I know that she has female problems but I honestly think that she made up the "cancer" to get attention. She goes months without calling, never has a way for me to get in touch with her, and completely disrupts my life.
Her husband is white trash, can't hold a job, beats the crap out of her, and doesn't deserve to breath the same air as I do. So she calls me to tell me that he has threatened to shoot her if she leaves him and begs me to keep her son and hide him. WTF? Does she not realize that she has cried wolf one too many times? While I know that the sorry S.O.B. is insane, I know my sister is a douche bag too. The only thing I know for certain of her is that if her lips are moving, she is lieing.
I know that she is going to call on me one day and "really" need me and I will not come running and I will probably regret it but what do I do? Keep letting her use me and abuse me? She needs serious help!
It makes me seriously sad for her and her children and it makes me so mad that my mom died and left us. It just isn't fair! I promised my mother that I would take care of my brother and sister but does that mean that I have to put up with her lies and acts of selfishness?
Her little boy is only 5 years old and knows more cuss words than I do. Her daughter is 10 and hasn't seen her mother in over a year. What is wrong with her? Will she ever grow up? I wonder if she knows or even cares how what she does affects others? Sheesh! Could I have another sister please?

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Will it ever go away?

The weight that is. I have really struggled with being depressed over the last couple of months. I feel guilty that I feel depressed. Does that even make sense? I was so sure that after I had the baby I would lose all of this weight and be back in my "normal" clothes in no time. Well, that hasn't happened. I still look pregnant and it is depressing. I have never had a weight issue in my life and I hate it. I got on the scales this weekend and I have gained 5 lbs since I left the hospital. What is up with that?
It is a vicious cycle. I get depressed because I am fat, I eat because I am depressed, then I get fatter. How do I get off of this roller coaster? I am really tired of pretending that I am okay!