Monday, February 7, 2011

It's evil and I hate it!!

Cancer sucks! It's taken so many of my loved ones already. Now that the MIL has it, it threatens to take her too. Without a miraculous healing from God, cancer will win again. We had special prayer at church last night and there were about 6-8 people in our small community that were named to have cancer. It's killing us all and there is nothing that we can do to stop it. It sneaks up on you and BAM, it's too late! There are a few people here and there that beat it. You hear praise reports every now and then of someone that had it and now it's gone. Those people are few and far between and for every one that beats it, there are hundreds that don't. It just isn't fair!! I know that God didn't promise us that life would be fair but it sure would be nice if it was.

We brought MIL home a few days ago. We've enjoyed her being home and loved spending time with her but it's hard seeing her wither away so quickly. She's always been the go getter. The one that could run circles around the rest of us. The one that was up at the crack of dawn and staying up after the rest of us had long gone to bed. There's not a lazy bone in her body and all she's every known is to work. To see her so weak and so sick just hurts my heart.

She keeps talking about Sisters recital. She's looked forward to that recital since the day Sister started dance class back in August. She has asked me 100 times in the past few weeks when the recital is. She knows that it's in May and she knows that her time here on earth is short. She wants more than anything to make it to that dance recital and I pray, Oh God I pray, that she makes it!

Cancer SUCKS!!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


It's been over a year since I've typed words on this poor old blog. Writing is kind of my therapy and there's a lot going on now so I need to get some things off of my mind.

My dear sweet mother in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a couple of weeks ago. The moment I heard the words "pancreatic cancer" I knew that the prognosis would not be good. Hubs and the in laws all hung on to hope and faith that God would take care of her and that she would be alright. I wanted to have that faith but my experience with cancer hasn't been good. The median survival rate for patients diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is 3-6 months. I can't even begin to imagine loosing her that quickly. I lost my own mother 11 years ago to cancer and going through this is like deja vu. I hate cancer!!!!

It isn't fair and I'm angry. Not angry at God, just angry at the entire situation. Hubs, well he's angry at God. His faith has been rocked and he's in a dark place right now. I've been where he's at and it's not a good place. It's something that he will have to work through on his own. I understand and I am going to try and be patient with him and support him as best I can. I don't know why God allows this to happen or that to happen, why he heals this one or that one and not the others. I don't know why he allows bad things to happen to good people and good things to happen to bad people. It makes me angry and I just don't understand. I want to shout and I want to hit something really hard. I just want to scream and tell God that it isn't fair. Nell is a sweet sweet person with the biggest heart in the world. She's lived a good Christian life and would do anything for anybody. We NEED her here!!! Why oh why won't He heal her? There is an army of people praying for her and I bet you can't find one person on the face of this earth that has anything bad to say about her. The world would be a much better place if there were more people here like her. So, why won't he let her stay?

As much as I'm going to miss her and as bad as it hurts to think of my life without her in it, it hurts even more to think of how it will affect my children. They all love her so much!! They need her!! She absolutely adores them and they aren't going to understand why she's gone. I love that woman, and I wish that I could be half the woman that she is!

Friday, August 7, 2009

I'm still here

I seem to have abandoned my poor blog lately. A lot has happened in the last month. My family of 4 is now a family of 5. I now have two beautiful girls to love and a handsome boy. Bubba and his team won the State Championship!! Dr. visits and dentist appointments. Getting ready for back to school. My list goes on and on. I think I am finally adjusting to having two "babies." Yes, Sister is now a toddler but she's still a baby too. She's doing well but the terrible two's are upon us. Thumper is amazing! She's my mini-me. I'm having a little, okay a lot, of trouble getting her to take a bottle. I have tried four different kinds so far and she won't have any of them. I NEED her to take one every now and then. I love nursing her but momma needs a break from time to time. At this point I don't know if she will ever take a bottle. I am going to meet with a consultant next week and maybe, just maybe she'll have a pointer or two. Bubba has another tournament this weekend so I have lots to do but I promise to try and do better with the blog. Gotta go for now, there's a beautiful blue eyed baby waiting for momma to feed her! :-)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm ready

Well, as ready as I'm gonna get anyway. I made it! It's bittersweet! It went by so fast and I wish that I had more time but I don't, therefore I'm ready. The heat is getting to me. My body is swelling and I'm miserable. Fingers and toes feel like sausages and it's getting hard to walk without a serious waddle.
The never ending comments, they are old. I take Bubba to baseball practice 4 days a week and every single time we go someone has to ask, "Haven't had that baby yet?" I'd really like to come back with something snarky and mean but I just smile and go on. People really don't mean anything by it, they just don't think before they speak.

The next few weeks are going to be really hard. Hard on all of us. Bubba is right in the middle of All-Stars. His District tournament starts this Friday. If they play well then they should make it all the way to the championship game. Well, that game, it's on Tuesday, the day I'm scheduled for my c-section. It really makes me sad that I'll have to miss Bubba's big day. I've only missed about 3 baseball games in his entire life and to have to miss the District Championship is heartbreaking. I'm ready for Thumper to arrive but the timing in all of it stinks. Then if/when they win the District Championship they will go on to state in a couple of weeks. It's a little further away in a bigger town. I'll get broke in good doing my travels for the first time with three kiddos. By the end of July it will all be over. Thumper will be here, All-Stars will be over, and maybe, just maybe, I can settle down and breath a bit before it's time for Bubba to go back to school.

I need a vacation!!!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Final Countdown

It looks like we've made it, look how far we've come my baby! I'm just full of lyrics today, lol. It's a great feeling to know that we've made it!!! My baby girl is FULL TERM! I've tried really hard to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy and the end will be very bittersweet because I know this is the last baby for me. I'm getting a little tired now, feet and hands are staying swollen and the overall miserable feeling has taken over. I know I just have a few more days to enjoy those flips and kicks in my belly though. It's an amazing feeling to have a little one inside of you moving around, knowing that you are giving her life. I'll miss that soon! I can't wait to meet her and love and cuddle her. I have so many mixed emotions going on right now. It's crazy! I must admit, I am kinda ready for that hospital stay, I'm ready to rest. I'm constantly on the go and haven't slowed down enough to catch my breath. I'm ready for to breath a minute. I'm worried about Sister and Hubs though. I know they will do fine without me but it's gonna be hard for me not to worry about them. I never did get those maternity shots that I wanted but I've got plenty of photos this time around. Bubba has taken my pic for me every few weeks and done a pretty amazing job. That's good enough for me! It won't be long now, I'll be a mommy of three!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

My poor blog

It has been abandoned lately thanks to too much Farm Town, swollen feet, and just down right laziness. Thumper will be here soon!! I'm not exactly sure how soon but we know it's soon. The original plan was to go to the 30th of June. Now, I'll just be happy to make it past Sunday. I never thought that I'd make it to 37 weeks but I am ever so close. A lot of my fears and anxiety are over now. I made it! If my baby girl decides to come a little early at this point, she will be okay. There should be no extended stays in the NICU. No emergency C-secs where they knock me out and take my baby. I'm so proud of myself for making it this far. No one thought that I would. The only anxiety that I am having now is what about Sister? She's never been away from me at night, nor I without her. No one has ever put her to bed but her mommy. She loves her daddy and I know he will do the best that he can but..... I'm sure they will be fine, it will be me that misses her the most I am sure. I've never been away from her for more than a couple of hours and that was only while she was with her daddy. Will she think that I have abandoned her? Will she cry for me? I just don't know. I know that we will make it and everything will be okay but me being the control freak that I am, I can't help but worry about it. Bubba, he will be fine. He is big enough to take care of himself. The only thing I worry about him is what he is eating and if he is getting enough sleep. He's a good boy and I couldn't do it without him.

Hang in there Thumper, we are almost there baby girl!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The end is near

The end of school that is. I know a lot of parents dread the end of school and having their kids home all summer. Me, I love it! I like having my kids at home with me. Sure, there are times that I need to be alone or wish that Hubs would take them out for awhile but for the most part, I enjoy being with my kids as much as possible. I can't wait for Bubba to be home everyday with Sister and I. Once Baby Girl gets here, Bubba will be a big help to me. I remember how much help he was when Sister was born. He's a great big brother and I couldn't ask for more.

I guess losing my mom at such a young age really taught me to cherish every moment you have with your kids. My mom was taken from me way too soon! I took too many things for granted and there are so many things that I didn't get to say or do while she was still here. I guess that makes me realize, life is short. Our kids, they aren't kids for long. They grow up way too fast! I want to enjoy every moment of them that I can. I want to create memories that we all cherish. If something were to happen to me and God took me away, I want my kids to remember the time that I spent with them. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I tried to be the best mom that I could be and my kids always come first. God was good enough to give them to me so I'm going to do my best to take care of them.

All too often I see parents pushing their kids away. Not realizing what they are missing. Not realizing how quickly they grow up. Bubba will be 11 in a couple of weeks and it just makes me sad. While I enjoy every new stage of his life and seeing him grow up, I also hate it. Time goes by so quickly and if we aren't careful we could miss out on a lot. I don't want to miss a thing!